Nothing in my life has gone the way I had hoped. I wish things had been different all the time. I wonder where my life would be right now if I had never gotten pregnant, never made the move, never stayed with C. Wondering the “what-if’s” every time I feel down and alone.
I try to focus on the good as much as I can. Life has been really hard, but my son is amazing and perfect. Aside from that, I really feel like I’ve failed in some type of way. Before all of this I was finally getting myself on the right track. My credit was getting on the good side again, finally had my cards down.
I can’t keep up with life anymore. Everything is getting on top of me. I can’t remember the last time I felt like myself. Truly felt like myself. The world has been on fire, literally, and my mental health has taken a deep nose dive.
I’m scared. I have no idea how to move forward. Feeling trapped in my thoughts, everyday. Wanting change, to be better, but resistance everywhere I look.
My son is the only thing keeping me going. He is everything right now. And so amazing. Crazy, he just turned 8 months. Time flies.
I’m thankful for the people in my life who have offered me a place to stay and helped me out. But after a certain point, you start to wonder who’s helping who out more. You start to feel as though you get taken advantage of or overlooked.
This insomnia bullshit is getting in the way of my best sleep. All I do is toss and turn all night trying to get comfortable. Doesn’t work. I can’t fall asleep fast enough and then I get too hot and have to turn again. On top of that, the baby is active a lot more when I’m laying down. While I love feeling him move, it makes it rather hard to get comfortable or fall asleep.
Life has been way too busy for me lately, time has been flying by so quickly, and I’m less than 11 weeks away from my due date. They say the last trimester goes by slowly, but there’s so much I have to get done that it feels like time has just been moving too quickly for me to enjoy it.
We’ve been living with my friend, B, for almost a month already, which is crazy to me. Time felt so weird when we were living with C’s friends. We were in this weird in between stage with them, and now that we’re here, we’re in crunch time really. I want to get our own place by September 1st. But it honestly doesn’t feel that far away anymore. We’re almost to August and my only hopeful prospect for a place was one that I looked at a couple hours ago.
I’m a dreamer. I’ve always been. Maybe it’s why I’m so passionate about change but so afraid to embrace it. Uprooting my life has been hard. It’s a change I worked for, busted my ass for – and I know it’s going to work out and things will be okay! – but by God, it’s fucking killing me.
I’ve had so much free time on my hands, I don’t even know what to do with myself right now. Why is it that we have the most time when we don’t have money to do anything?
Netflix and Hulu decided to draw money out of my account at the same time. I wasn’t even thinking, I would’ve been okay, but I spent $12 at Sunoco and with the $20 deducted on top of that? My $15 turned into -$57 after the overdraft fee was added in.
Hey guys, long time no see. Things have been so hectic! Let me tell you, I moved, and it was the biggest shit show of a move. Never again. The next time we move, I’m giving myself at least a week before we need to be out. Because this shit was awful.
So my last update I had just quit my job, and we had one day to be out. Well, they let us know they wouldn’t actually be there until 8:30 AM Wednesday morning, so it gave us a little more time.
I had my last day of work yesterday. How crazy is that? This job I’ve been at for well over 2 years that’s been stressing me out so much? I finally got myself out. C and I are Pittsburgh bound tomorrow, but there is still so much left to pack and get done. Doesn’t help that I’m sick either.
The last month has felt crazy surreal. The fact that I’m really moving is starting to finally sink in. I’ve been working so much it hasn’t felt real yet. But yesterday I started to pack my room, spending my last day at home. Aside from throwing my clothes in bags, it’s pretty much done and ready to go.