Lately, I’ve been stressed out. I was doing so well, and then my birth certificate was missing. Now, I’m frustrated because I have no idea where it is, and my mother hasn’t done a single thing she’s planned to do. She quit her job almost a month ago now, and she keeps bitching that the house isn’t getting cleaned, but yet, I never see her doing anything about it. Money is an issue, and she keeps hitting me up for more, but I’m starting to feel drained. I can never get ahead, and it’s because of her.
Why does everything always fall on me? My mother doesn’t have her life together, but me, at 24, I’m supposed to be a mind reader and know what her plan is? She doesn’t tell me her plan, ever. I’m supposed to come to her. Which isn’t even the slightest bit fair considering I’m working 40some hours a week right now and she quit her job a week and a half ago.
There are probably a number of reasons I took up the bad habit of drinking. And no, I’m not an alcoholic, but I do drink more often than I used to. Sometimes it’s just for a night out with friends or to let loose. Others is to unwind after work with a beer. And then those other nights? It’s to help calm me down and take the edge off from things that frustrate me at home.
Living at home is my biggest headache. Dealing with my mother’s expectations and needs drives me crazy. I’m not happy here, yet I feel obligated to help her out. But I know I’d be so much happier if I just up and left and moved to the city. If I did that, I could probably find a better job in less than a week and be making twice as much as I am right now. I have no doubts about that. But right now, all I feel is struggle.
These days are getting are getting harder and harder for me to be understanding with my mother. Her and I share a bank account, much to my dismay, but for awhile it was something that we had to do. Anymore, I’ve been wanting to get my own account, but according to her, “there’s never enough time,” basically. So I’ve sucked it up and tried to deal with it.
Except, when I got paid on Friday I decided to pay half of my cell-phone bill. Because, the money I just deposited is technically mine, right? Wrong. According to her, because she drives me to and from work, it’s her money. And, you know, I don’t pay any of the bills except my cell-phone one. Here’s the thing: The bills are under HER name. Plus, she’s late on them. Is that my fault? Apparently somehow it is. Because despite the fact that our money is mixed together, I never pay any of the bills.
The ideal day would not start with a trip to the job, but rather sleeping all day, streaming Netflix and listening to music. Ohh and completely avoiding all aspects of life – with the exception of a few.
When I first started working at my job, I went in with this attitude that I would avoid drama at all cost and just do my best to get along with everyone. Which I have managed to accomplish – for the most part – in the year and a half since I begun working there. However, the longer I’m there, the more I start to see the problems more clearly. Coworkers who can’t stand each other, rules that get changed around with each manager or shift supervisor, and people who get away with things that most of us aren’t able to do.
Sleep is obviously overrated. Well, for me, anyways. Actually, it’s the thing I want the most, but unfortunately for me, I live in a household where no one cares if I’m trying to sleep. So for the past couple weeks I’ve been sleeping restlessly and waking up with headaches. Coffee helps in the morning, especially expresso, but I really would just love to wake up feeling refreshed for once.
I live with my mom and her boyfriend, and they not only both work at the same store, but they work night shifts together. So they’re used to staying up all night and sleeping during the day. The problem is, they also both think it’s perfectly okay to talk extremely loud and play music all night. And drink. So when I attempt to go to sleep after midnight, I wind up crawling into bed and, naturally, fall asleep for maybe an hour and then I’m awake until they go to sleep. Except I’m so exhausted, all I want to do is sleep, and getting out of bed is out of the question. My frustration will start building, and… then I start to cry because no matter how hard I try, I just can’t sleep. I have an A/C in my room that helps a little. When it kicks on the sound drowns out most of the noise. Then it kicks off after it gets cold enough.
You know what? I’m sick of snow. Completely and utterly sick of it. It’s made my life even more hell the past few months than the other shit I have going on. Signing up for 8 am classes was a good idea, because it means I’m done by noon. However, living with someone who hates driving in the snow, not having my license or a vehicle, and constantly having to rely on other people to pick me up or drop me off is reaching it’s limit. And I’ve had to miss quite a few classes already, which has led me to fall behind already. I have a strong feeling I’m going to have to withdraw from my Math class, I’m going on the 4th day I’ve missed and I have an F because I haven’t been there to turn in assignments. I don’t know what else to do. College is not helpful towards those of us who live too far to walk to class. Right now, it’s a white-out outside my window, but my college is still open. My one professor sent my class a message to announce we will still be having class, but he won’t take attendance and to be safe! I have a feeling I’ll be emailing my Math professor, and I’m going to have to discuss my options with her.