Journal Entry (#60)

August 31, 2019
9:56 AM

I’m officially closer to 30 than 20, my birthday was last Sunday and I’m getting old at 26. Or it feels that way at least, I know I’m still young. But it just reminds me how fast time is running, and how quickly things seem to happen anymore. I remember being a kid and feeling like I had so much time in the world. I don’t feel that way anymore. Instead, it feels like I’m losing so much time.

My birthday was nice, though. When I look back at where C and I were last year, it really is amazing how much things can change. I honestly think my problem is there’s been so much change since we’ve gotten together. Not in a bad way, but they’ve been big changes.

I exited one relationship right into another. C and I had this connection, and I never thought about it before he let loose about his feelings for me. But he never made me feel uncomfortable, he always made me feel safe, and he always took care of me. When I gave in and started to give him a chance, everything changed. And it changed fast.

And for me? It wasn’t the way I normally went about things. I stopped worrying about how things should be and just went with the moment. And we made things official a month after my previous relationship ended.

Eventually, it lead to us developing a stronger relationship, but we had a lot of issues last summer, too. Up until we moved to Pittsburgh, and right after. But it’s funny, our issues started to die out the longer we were up here, and the more we got away from the people in the town we left. And, ya know, psycho having her baby and going back to leaving us alone. She was half of our problem.

But now I’m actually pregnant and it’s his baby. There’s no and’s, if’s, or but’s about it. It’s his. I haven’t been with anyone else since we got together. Which has been well over a year now (I’ve never been with someone this long). We haven’t even been in Pittsburgh for a full year yet, and we’ve made so many changes, the biggest one being the baby on the way.

I haven’t felt myself in months. It’s partially due to the pregnancy, it’s hard to feel like yourself when your whole body is changing in front of you, and you can’t move or do things like you normally could before. I don’t remember what it’s like not to be pregnant at this point.

But I also haven’t felt like myself because we just haven’t had our own place since we moved here. We’ve been living out of boxes and not able to use most of our stuff for almost a year. It’s hard to feel relaxed when your shit is everywhere. And I’m really over having roommates. I want to come home and feel at ease in my own house, not having to worry about talking to someone else the moment I walk through the door. Sometimes I just want to come home and move around at my leisure. And not deal with anyone at all. And maybe, I dunno, have the living room to myself and it actually feel like my space.

Nothing has felt like a home since being up here.

And I keep thinking and hoping that the reason these places haven’t been working out is because we just haven’t gotten the right place yet. But my luck has been terrible, and with baby’s due date rapidly approaching, I’m getting nervous and scared.

I have so much to do, no time, and no energy.

The third trimester is kicking my ass. My feet get swollen so much from being on them all day. And the hotter the day? The worse they get. I can no longer walk up the big hill at the junction, so even though they fixed the tunnel (finally) and the routes are back to normal, I still take the longer way home. Going to work everything is downhill, so at least I can get that extra half hour back in the early morning. But going home? I’m afraid of walking up that hill and getting stuck. C makes it look so easy, he does it in five minutes. The last time I walked up the hill, it took me like 15 minutes and I struggled hard. So I go to downtown and wait for my bus to make it’s route so I can get dropped off at the top of the hill. Much easier on my legs, especially after I’ve been on them all day long.

But waking up at 5:30/6:00 am and getting home at 6:30/7:00pm sucks. And waking up at 7:30/8:00 am and getting home at 8:30/9:00 pm is even worse. I go home, eat, and pass out. I’m constantly tired.

Now, my schedule is going to change a little, because I wanted to start cutting back my hours. I’m about to hit 35 weeks in a couple days, and baby is going to be here before I know it. I just can’t physically keep doing this everyday to myself. But, I still have to do 30 hours if I want to keep my insurance. So now I’m going to try to get myself on the state insurance, which is apparently actually really good if you’re pregnant. Too bad I’ve been wasting all this money this year on insurance.

Anyways, my time will hopefully start opening up more now, and I’m desperately hoping we land a place soon so I can start getting things set up and together. I don’t have the space right now, and it makes it so hard to know what I can get or should get or even just to get things set up.

I don’t know what to do if this baby comes early.

My supervisor has been great, she’s been working with me on my schedule and doesn’t hassle me about it because she understands. I do have an actual reason.

She finally asked me if I planned on coming back after the baby. And I told her I didn’t think it was practical. We’re looking for places closer to the city, where we can be closer to public transit and have better access to everything in general. Without having a car, that’s more practical right now. Where I work is further south, and right now it’s a 40-50 minute bus commute. And that’s if I take the regular way. It’s not going to change much if we get closer to the city. And that’s just too much with having a baby, I don’t want to be that far away from him. And I’ll only be able to work a couple days. I’d rather go back into serving where the shifts are shorter and more flexible. And it’s cash.

I should’ve told her the main reasons – the job sucks and there is no future with that company. The only good thing about it is that it gets your foot in the door if you want to work with pharmaceuticals or be a pharmacy technician. Other places require or expect you to have 6 months to a year of training before taking you on. This place trains you (even horribly), but it gives you a chance to find a better job. But not by staying. There is no future with that company, and they have been cutting corners to save money like crazy. And using the whole situation with R stealing suboxone to not give us raises. Which is complete bullshit, but whatever.

We are doing 10 times the amount of work compared to what we were doing when I first got hired, not even a full year ago yet. And they are adding more homes, that are supposed to be going on in the next month or two. It’s absolutely ridiculous. There is not enough people for starters, and losing R meant we lost a trainer as well. The other Pharmacy Lead – let’s call her F – has an attitude problem to begin with. You never know how to take her. She’ll be joking around and stuff with you one minute, and bitching at you the next. Every morning when she comes in she has to make a comment about how this wasn’t ordered, or this short slip was done wrong, or how somebody didn’t do something they should’ve, and it’s just constant bitching about everything. It gives me a headache.

Anyways, when it comes to training, I’m not saying she doesn’t know her stuff – because she does – but she gets mad at other people when they are answering simple questions for new hires. I’ve gotten so many stink eyes and being told, “if they have a question they need to come to me,” because I helped a new hire find something or do something. Especially if I tell them to do something slightly different than what she wants them to do, and this bitch eavesdrops on every conversation and can’t mind her own business.

But, you know what? We are too busy right now to be worrying about stupid shit. We can’t keep up with the workload, and everyone is hauling ass everyday because we don’t have enough people. Another coworker was in a car accident last week, and she might not be back for a little while. I’m hoping she recovers fast, but I don’t know all the details.

Point is, we are losing people left and right. And they’re going to be losing me soon, too. But sure, let’s add more homes to make the owners get more money.

In the meantime, let’s not give any incentive to keep doing this shit ton of work, and let’s stress out everyday worrying if we’re going to be able to get out on time, or if the stuff that goes out tomorrow will be done. Let’s not even tell our employees that we appreciate them working under this amount of pressure, and that they’re doing a good job.

In fact, instead of having a staff meeting to go over some of the new changes (since R stole from the company, we can’t keep purses or bags in the main pharmacy, and things like that), we get flyers instead. Like, we still don’t even know what’s going on, and the owners just don’t give a shit.

The machine we have that dispenses pills in packages, which we check, separate, and roll into personalized canisters for patients – it’s also been giving us a lot more issues lately. I mean, I wonder why, we only constantly run it and it’s an older model. They bought it at a quarter million dollars, but I don’t think it can handle much more work added onto it. It’s a pain in the ass anymore. But they are adding another home onto it soon.

I know things are going to be changing again soon, and I’m excited… but I’m so nervous. And I’m scared of what giving birth is going to be like. I’m scared of him coming early and not having the things I need for him, he deserves better than that.

I’m scared that I won’t find a part time job that will work with me, and be forced to go back to the pharmacy.

I’m scared something is going to go wrong, even if it’s irrational to think that.

I’m just overwhelmed. And I can’t relax until we get a place. Time and my patience is quickly running out.

I wanted to write so much more, but I’m already rambling. I’m still working on coming back more, but it’s just hard until things finally start to settle a little. Unfortunately I can’t remember half of what I originally wanted to post, either. Someday I’ll get back into more consistent updates and postings.

Like I said, so much change, my life has really done a 180. 

How is everyone? Are you ready for Fall? I’m getting excited for the change of the season again, but only because I really want to get into the holiday spirit this year. I hope I can.

Have a great day! XOXO

 

10:46 AM


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2 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#60)”

  1. Happy belated birthday, beautiful. ♡ I am so happy to hear you had a nice day. I know a lot has changed since you & C got together but they were all things that needed to happen eventually & your relationship needed it. When you find your own place (it will happen!), you will finally feel secure & at home. I just know it! ♡ I hope you can find a new serving job after baby comes, too. Stay strong, Laken!! You got this!! ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thank you! 🥰 and you’re absolutely right. Everything that’s happened has brought us closer together in the long run. We’re almost there, finally got a place, just have to get moved and settled.
      Thank you so much ☺️❤️

      Like

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