Journal Entry (#58)

June 6, 2019
9:33 AM

I think I’m addicted to chocolate peanut butter cheerios these days. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I’ve actually been trying to eat a little healthier and make sure I eat breakfast every morning. Plus take my prenatal. But those cheerios? Those are like the perfect snack in the morning.

Things have been in this big in between stage lately. I have no idea what’s really going to happen in the next few months. This pregnancy made for this unexpected future – not that it’s bad, it really is not at all. All of my plans that I had before, those have all changed. I’m starting from scratch again. And I’m scared a little.

We found out we’re having a boy!

C came with me to my 19 week ultrasound, and the nurse was able to let us know that there’s a little something sticking out between his legs, so it must be a boy. And when I went back last Wednesday for a follow up ultrasound at 22 weeks, she confirmed it was definitely a boy. And everything is looking good! It’s so bizarre to me to watch something moving around inside of me on the TV. My baby is looking more and more like a human every time. It’s amazing how much detail they can show now, even at this early stage. It’s also crazy that I’m more than halfway through my pregnancy already.

It’s starting to hit me more and more that this is really happening.

And I’m excited in so many ways to meet this little guy, to hold him, to actually be his mom. I wasn’t ready for this, no, but it’s not an unwelcome part of my life, just happened earlier than planned. I still feel like I’ve only started taking care of myself, and now I worry that I won’t be able to do everything I want to for my son. Money is going to be tight after he arrives. It’s been impossible to save money lately, and I’m worried. I know we’ll find a way to make it work, but it doesn’t stop me from stressing about it. I know I won’t be able to work for a little while, and my maternity leave at my job is unpaid.

His little arms are in front of his face ❤

I have to look into getting on welfare or something until I’m able to work again. And even then, it’s only going to be part time for now. I have to be home for my son, or C has to be home. I’d rather not do daycare for awhile if I can. Part of it is not trusting people, and the other part is I just want to be there when he needs me, not a stranger.

Our roommates are moving out next week. M’s brother bought a house and they’re both going to live with him. Which I don’t blame them, it’s going to be a lot more affordable – and the house is nicer. It’s just super annoying because we weren’t expecting them to move out so fast when they just signed the lease back in December. We figured we’d be out first, or at least have some more time to save. They gave us very little time.

So, we’ve been looking for a place to live. To no avail. It’s hard finding something that falls right on the bus line, is in a semi decent area, is affordable, has enough space for us and the baby, and is just practical. The killer is really not having a car. It narrows down our search.

We have until the end of June to be out. 

For Memorial Day weekend, I was able to get my good friend B to drive me home to see my mom. B is the one who was supposed to take me driving multiple times, but he’s been working a lot. I think he feels bad about being distant. When he offered to drive me home, I wasn’t sure if it was even going to happen, but when it did, I was happy. My mom and I may not always agree on things, but she’s still my mom, and this is the longest I’ve been without seeing her. I missed her. And I’ve been homesick a little lately. Being pregnant has also made me just want her here. But visiting was nice for now.

I only stayed for a day and a half, next time I need to stay a whole weekend. Too much is still too much, but this time I was able to dedicate my time just to her. C was off those days, but he stayed at home. I needed time with my mom anyways. And I’ve been so worried about things lately, that going home and getting away for a little while took some of that stress off my shoulders. I was able to enjoy it. I wasn’t focusing on the bad times, just good vibes. And I felt at home, like nothing changed at the same time so much has.

My mom’s situation still sucks, but she’s still going. And things do have to give soon, I can’t keep helping her out with the bills anymore, and she knows this. My child has to come first. But I worry about her, too. I want her around her grandson, and I know it’s upsetting to her that she’s stuck out there when she needs to be up here.

B offered to let C and I stay in their extra room at their house. They’re in between roommates right now, and no one is lined up to move in right now. And it’s actually close to where C works, and by the train, we’d both be able to get to work okay. We can’t stay when the baby comes, but we can until then.

C and I are going to take him up on the offer. He just has to talk to his other roommate first, but he’s sure it’ll be fine. We’d be living with him, his fiance, and his high school friend. And I know them all, and I’ve stayed with them for almost a week before. I feel comfortable there. And B always has a way of making me feel welcome at his place and around his friends. His fiance is really nice, and his roommate is funny. Plus, if we live together, he can help me work on driving. And, overall, it’s going to be cheaper than where we are staying now. So we might actually be able to save some money on top of it, and look for a place in the meantime.

These are bad timing and circumstances. Definitely not the time to have a baby, but life is also really ironic and funny.

If there’s one thing that I’ve always been sure of, it’s that life has a way of working itself out. Fixing itself. There must be a balance. But sometimes it gets real hard before it gets better. Sometimes it never really gets better, but there are small reprieves. The only thing you can do, is enjoy what you can and cherish the good times. Life sucks too much as it is. Focus on the good things.

It’s bad timing for everything right now, maybe having a child is the best balance in my life right now. Maybe he is exactly what I’ve been missing in my life.

I’ve just felt so distant from things lately. Everything I once knew, it’s changed.

I’m in a different city, away from my mom, my home, my childhood. I can’t even drive home when I feel like it, so the distance feels so far.

I’m living with my boyfriend  – the realest guy I’ve been with, and he was part of the reason I moved. Things changed when we started dating. I found home with him.

I’m living with my boyfriend’s friends. I met them a few times before we moved in together, but I didn’t really know them very well. Even months later, I don’t feel that close with them.

I’m working a job I’m growing to hate more and more. They keep adding more business, which means more work for us, and no incentive to keep working harder. They’re not going to give us a raise or anything.

We’re moving yet again, after not even being here a full year. 

My body has stretched so much that more than half of my clothes don’t fit, or don’t fit well anymore. And I haven’t been able to buy maternity clothes.

Things just haven’t settled yet, and I feel displaced. I had nothing happen in my life for so long, that having my life move so much in less than a year is mind boggling and knocking me off my feet. Time needs to slow down a little.

I think that’s why I enjoy smoking, it helps me to just focus on the moment before I lose it.

These posts get to be so long to write anymore, I need more consistent updates at this rate.

Good news is, my mom just gave me the old laptop I was using before. So I can finally write again! Because updating on my phone took twice as long, and it’s harder to edit. I missed typing.

I can’t promise to write as many updates as I once did, but I am going to try to post at least once a week if possible, but twice a month is also a good start.

Things are about to get real life hectic pretty soon, and it’s funny to me because at one point I wished my life would start moving this fast. I just didn’t expect to be thrown into so much confusion and for things to not work out how I had hoped. So I’m hoping there’s a reason for these curve-balls and that I can find myself on track again. I have to stay positive and optimistic for this baby.

And before anyone asks: I don’t have a name settled on yet. Still deciding! But I want something unique and different – but not too weird.

Okay, I’m done with the rambling! I will try to write more, and get myself back around you amazing bloggers! I felt more inspired when I found time to read your guys’ posts. I miss that ❤

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

10:20 AM

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10 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#58)”

  1. Hi Laken! I didn’t notice you had updated or I would’ve read this sooner. ♡ Always so nice to hear from you.

    I am SO excited that you found out the gender. How stinkin’ cute are the ultrasounds? They are seriously so detailed & I totally get why you wouldn’t want to put him in daycare right away.

    I hope you guys are able to find a place to live when the baby comes. How stressful your roommates just up & left– they are the worst!!

    The time you spent with your mom sounds lovely. ♡ Absence always makes the heart grow fonder, right? Hopefully she can find a way to move closer to you eventually. So happy she gave you the old laptop, too!!

    Your positivity is really what I needed today. Wow. Your words have made me feel so much better & have semi-pulled me out of my slump. ♡ Thank you for always saying the right words without even knowing it!! Miss you, babe!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re totally fine!! ☺️ I’ve been wanting to post another update soon but life has been busy.

      And awww right? It’s crazy how detailed they can get nowadays.

      We just moved in with my friend last weekend, I’m so happy to be out of that former situation. It gave me such a headache dealing with them. Better off as friends who don’t live with each other.

      And it really does make the heart grow fonder! Moving out made it easier for me to handle her I think, I can talk to her a lot better now. And she’s excited to become a grandma!

      I’m sorry you’ve been in a slump lately girly! I’m glad my post offered some help ❤️ I miss you, too, hun! I want to catch up on your posts, I feel bad. Hope everything is going well!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of courseee, you’re going through so much– I do not expect you to update through all the busyness. It’s just nice to hear from you when you can. 🙂

        I am so happy to hear you moved in with a friend. Yay!! I hope this living situation works out way better for you. ❤

        I’m even happier to hear about your relationship with your mom. That’s so cute she’s excited to be a grandma!!

        No!! Don’t feel bad!! You do not have catch up on my posts at all, do not even worry about it. ❤ ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Maybe so, but I wish I wasn’t so busy these days! lol.

        So far our living situation is a little better than before. There’s pros and cons, but ultimately I’m ready for us to just get our own place already.

        I went home last weekend and my mom kept trying to feel the baby kick, but he wouldn’t kick when she tried to feel. It was funny. She got all of my baby stuff out to give to me and pass down. What wasn’t too girly that is lol.

        I still wish I had more time to read them! I miss reading your posts girly, I feel so out of the loop with your life and you always read my posts ❤ Whenever I get things settled, this past year has been kind of a whirlwind for me lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I hope you guys are able to find your own place soon, everything always works out in the end. ❤

        LOL that’s so funny the baby wouldn’t kick for your mom! How cute that you’re gonna use your own baby stuff for your baby. 😀

        No worries, babe!! I love reading your posts– I honestly would NOT be blogging as long as I have been if we didn’t find each other in the beginning. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I hope so, too! And I’m trying to focus on that ❤️

        My mom took good care of my stuff so whatever I can use just helps in the long run☺️

        And aww I’m just glad you’re still active in blogging and I love seeing your comments! I’m happy we found each other in the beginning ☺️❤️ I just miss keeping up with it how I used to.

        Like

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