Journal Entry #57

May 4, 2019

12:21 P.M.

Time is flying by so quickly these days, I can’t keep up with writing everything down. I think this is the longest break I’ve taken from this blog since I started it back up. Where I had too much time before, I just don’t have the same luxury anymore. Or a computer, still. It’s harder doing everything off of my phone.

Anyways! Long time no see. I left my last post stressed out, and while things are still hectic and crazy, a lot has also changed in this new year.

C and I have worked on our relationship. I’ve let go of the past. After the Tori thing – which I have to mention she quit talking to him once she realized he really wasn’t the father, it was her baby daddy to her other kid, how ironic – I just wanted to let it go and move on. It’s over, in the past. We’re not in the same situation as we were before. And I think all of this change has just been overwhelming. We did move things fast. Our one year was last weekend, and it’s crazy because it feels like we’ve been together even longer than that.

I have some BIG news.

Life changing news.

I’m pregnant.

17 weeks and 4 days. I’m due October 8th. Completely unplanned, but not necessarily a bad thing. Just a redirection.

I was in denial the first couple months I was pregnant. The first week of January (the 4th actually), I went back to the hospital because my Bartholin cyst came back with a vengeance. I was in an extreme amount of pain, to the point I had to call off work and go to the hospital. The pain was intense, it took me 15 minutes to crawl out of bed to use the bathroom. Every movement my body made sent pain throughout it. The cyst had swollen up so bad I struggled even using the bathroom.

When I went to the hospital they were surprised I was even moving around up until that point – it looked that bad. And that drainage was the worst pain and worst experience of my life. So much worse than the first time. People who live with that kind of chronic pain everyday, I don’t know how you do it, I lasted a few days and couldn’t imagine living everyday with even a hint of that pain.

Anyways, that week was also when I had my last period. My periods are also irregular, and have taken over 2 months to arrive before. So I don’t think I can be 100% at fault for doubting my pregnancy, but looking back I see the signs clearly now.

Because I had experienced waves of nausea here and there, to the point I lost my appetite multiple times and couldn’t eat things I enjoyed. I have this weird aversion to ham right now because of that first trimester. We had been buying lunch meat and the ham made me want to barf. Of course, I was in denial of pregnancy and thought I was just getting sick because people at work were coming down with the flu.

It wasn’t the flu.

The nausea got better, but I still remember one day where I walked out the door to go to work and instantly felt like I was about to throw up – I’ll have the record state that I only threw up once this pregnancy (so far).

The roommates, C and I went out for St. Patrick’s day. We bought beer and went to one of their friends’ house to play beer pong and drink – beer had begun tasting funny to me, too, but again, I thought I had a cold or something stupid like that.

S & M, the roomies, got into a stupid big fight. Like bad, but real petty. And it wasn’t S at all, it was M. She can’t handle her alcohol well and always wants to stir up drama when she drinks (but yet blames it on other people while sober). I don’t even remember what it was about, but she flipped on him, pulled out the race card (he’s black, she’s white), and went to the car for a bit. Then comes back in and tries to physically attack S. Their friends had to pull S back to keep him from retaliating. She had him so livid he would’ve did something stupid.

I’ll never say hitting a girl is right, but it was like she wanted him to hit her, and I’m glad his friends were able to hold him back. They told her she couldn’t stay in the house, and she had to leave.

The entire time, my boyfriend is sitting at the table, his head down for the most part, blacked out. It was maybe 1 or 2 in the afternoon and he was plastered. I had a few beers to drink, too, and actually had taken a nap in a chair. The alcohol wasn’t sitting that well (wonder why, right?). The whole fight just upset everyone. Except for C who was oblivious to the whole thing and later was surprised when I told him that S had to be held down to stop him from going after her. He didn’t remember anything.

We wound up going to Southside later without her, and the three of us, C and S and I, went to this bar with a dance floor. Those two were getting into the dancing, it was entertaining. After awhile though, I couldn’t do it anymore, there was so many people, I felt overwhelmed.

Outside the bar, I started crying for no reason. And I mean absolutely no reason at all, the tears just kept coming down. People were looking at me odd. I told C I wanted to go home.

C and I went to a gas station to get non alcoholic drinks, and wound up running into his old roommate from home. We knew R had been in town because of Snapchat, but it was funny running into him there. My stop home wound up turning into going to a house party that was ironically across from S & M’s friends’ house we were at earlier that day.

I cried there, too. We went outside to smoke, and I started up again. C was sobering up out of concern for me, because he knew I wasn’t having a good time, but he also wanted to keep being out and having a good time. He wanted me to go home, and wanted to stay out and hang with R. That made me cry more because I wanted to spend time with him. I think I guilted him into coming home with me, R wound up getting us an Uber. We went home and I just felt so awful. Like my body was rejecting all the alcohol I put into it, I was a wreck.

We decided then I needed to take a test.

So later that week when I got paid, I bought one. From where I will now refer to as ghetto Walmart because they had all of the pregnancy tests in hard casing that had to be unlocked by a worker. Like even the cheap ones were in this case. They’re all less than $10. So odd to me. But it forced me to go to an actual register versus self checkout, like I wasn’t self conscious enough about buying it. Which was stupid – why should I feel like that?

That night when I got home, I took it. I bought this Clear Blue one that came with 2 tests. The one is a rapid one that tells you within 3 minutes (well, the pregnancy | line comes within 3 minutes, and if not, it’s just —). Mine turned + almost the instant my pee touched the stick. What I had been denying for weeks added up at that moment. But I also knew it at that point. It was the only real explanation for how weird I had been feeling.

I took the other test a few hours later – it’s not as fast but the result was also the same – pregnant.

Scheduling a doctors appointment was a pain in the ass. Being in Pittsburgh now, almost hospitals are UPMC. But my insurance is through Highmark, and Highmark has these issues with UPMC, and doctors that were previously accepting both, now are no longer accepting Highmark come July of this year. But finally, I found an office that I could go to, and I had my first appointment to figure out how far along and what my options were.

I was already 13 weeks by the time I got to the doctors. I had to take a urine test when I walked in, and the moment the nurse came back in I got a whopping, “Congratulations! You’re pregnant.

They gave me prenatals in a little goodie bag, and this booklet that says “Your Journey through Pregnancy – One trimester at a time.

My doctor told me it was a little too late in the pregnancy for most places to do anything about it. And I had seriously been considering aborting it – until she let me hear the baby’s heartbeat. And I just couldn’t. I was too far along, if the baby had a heartbeat, it was alive. And that changed everything – it made that decision for me to keep it.

My bff who lives in Florida, she told me to consider adoption because then my pregnancy would be taken care of and I could live with myself knowing the child would be going to a good home, a home I chose. But I could never fully get on board with that idea. This is my baby, my body, and I’m not enduring this pregnancy just to lose my baby in the end. It may be unplanned, but it’s not unwelcome. It’s just terrible timing.

My cyst had also started to form again, and while I was at the doctors she was going to drain it for me, but it was still too small for her to do anything about it without risk of cutting me wrongly for nothing. And it wasn’t bothering me yet too much, just made certain movements and touches uncomfortable.

C’s been supportive this whole time, too. He left the decision up to me about what to do, because it is my body. But he let me know that whatever the decision was, he had a plan for both. And he was supportive of whichever one I decided.

The hardest part has been wrapping my head around the idea I’m pregnant and this is really happening to me. I just finally got out on my own, and I do feel like it was rather short lived. I’m not ready to be a mom, I can barely take care of myself. But I’ve stopped drinking, and have been trying to work on eating and doing better for the baby. Although, I have to admit the smoking I kept because it was the only thing helping with my nausea in the beginning. It helped with my appetite. And honestly, not enough studies (there are none because it’s morally wrong to ask a woman to smoke while pregnant for a study) that show it causes any real birth defects. And to me, if psycho Tori can do all the fucked up shit she did while pregnant and still have a baby that turned out okay, I think I’ll be alright if smoking is the worst thing I do. But I am going to have to cut it out soon, I don’t want to risk losing the baby to authorities if it’s found in my system.

I’m not perfect, and I’m absolutely scared of how this is going to turn out. C and I are in the process of finding our own place. The roommates let us know they’re moving out soon, and this place is too much for us right now. The location is too inconvenient for the price, and I want our own place that’s just new and closer to where we want to be. We need our own place now especially, with having a baby. I’ve been wanting it for so long, I can’t handle living with other people much longer.

Seriously, little things are aggravating me too much. They took the burners off the stove, stuck them in the sink, left one on the oven, and never bothered cleaning the others. Now, tell me, how does that make sense? If you’re not going to clean it, why do that? You live with other people who use the same kitchen, I just think it’s rude. Also, M bitched about the dishes before, so the most I would let them sit in a sink lately is a day. Their dishes have been in there for like 4 days now. It’s so annoying!

Back to the pregnancy, I’m currently waiting on my next doctors appointment (which is on Thursday!) to find out more information. We might be able to find out the gender next week, and I’m getting excited. We’re thinking boy, but I don’t really care, as long as it’s healthy.

I finally told my mom last weekend and she did what I expected – flipped out on me, asked me how I could be so stupid, the works. But she’s coming around now. Everyone wants to know the gender, and I’m starting to think that maybe this baby is going to help bring me closer to my family. I feel like I can talk to my mom more openly now than before. I’m about to be a mom. It’s weird.

2 weeks ago, I experienced some bleeding. It freaked me out. I went to use the bathroom and all this blood came out.

I thought I lost the baby.

Turns out it was just spotting or something, but it was an overwhelming amount to me and had me concerned. I told C I thought it could be a miscarriage. And I was upset, I was finally coming around to the idea of this baby. And C just held me and said something I won’t forget: he said, “it would’ve been nice.

C’s not big on expressing his feelings, but I know he cares and I know he loves me. It’s why I’m still with him despite what we went through. And I’ve seen him with kids – he’s amazing with kids. He has a son, he knows how to take care of a baby. I know nothing. I have zero preparation for this.

The day after the bleeding, I called off work again (my supervisor has been super understanding about my situation since I’ve told her), and I went to the doctors. They did an ultrasound (my first!) to make sure the baby was okay.

And I saw it for the first time. My baby, at 15 weeks. Moving around so much, but I couldn’t feel it. I felt so relieved. I had been thinking the bleeding was a miscarriage, and maybe it was a sign that it wasn’t meant to happen. But now I see it differently – I’m meant to have this child.

My baby at 15 Weeks 3 Days

The bleeding could’ve been caused by the fact that right now, my placenta is low lying (or it was 2 weeks ago). They told me I can’t lift anything heavy (nothing over 20 lbs), and not to have sex (not allowed to even orgasm, how depressing!) until they can tell if this placenta is going to move. Basically, if it stays low it could block the cervix and prevent natural birth, I’d have to get a C-section. But only time will tell, and considering I was still early at that appointment, there’s plenty of time for it to fix itself. We can only monitor it throughout the weeks.

I am also thinking now that maybe the bleeding could’ve been caused by my cyst draining on it’s own. Since the night of the bleeding, my cyst seems like it’s gone away, no more lump. So it could’ve been non related to the pregnancy, which I’m hoping for. I’m going to run it by my doctor when I go.

So I’ll find out more on Thursday. So much to do still, and time is flying by. I have 5 months to prepare for this. Probably a little less. And considering I’ve been up here now for 7 months, and it’ll be a year shortly after I deliver, things have been moving super fast. All of this change has been overwhelming. But kind of exciting. My life is about to take another drastic turn, this time into motherhood, which I didn’t think would happen for a few more years.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve been taking it day by day, and slowly accepting things.

I hope everyone has a great day, and that your holidays went well and the new year is treating you well! I’m going to work on writing more, I haven’t had much of that creative outlet lately and I think I need to bring it back. Journaling helps me to get my thoughts out, and connect.

My life is slowly coming together, and falling apart at the same time. Here’s to big changes in 2019-2020 ❤️

1:33 P.M.

P.S. I started binging Jane the Virgin. Being pregnant makes me want to watch shows and moving about pregnancy, any recommendations for good ones? Preferably on Netflix and Hulu!

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12 thoughts on “Journal Entry #57”

  1. Omg omg ….congratulations Laken i’m so happy for you and that life is treating you well…and i’m also happy you and C have worked through your relationship …i’ve really missed your posts dear do take care of you and the baby❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my gosh!!! Congratulations, Laken. ♡ You sound so mature about the whole situation. I’m so happy that Tori’s baby wasn’t C’s & that she’s out of the picture now. The roommates still sound terrible lol, it’s gonna be amazing once you & C get your own place together.

    Your baby is SO cute in the ultrasound!!! So happy for you two!!!! ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! ❤️ and I’m trying to be mature about it! It’s no longer just about me anymore. And I’m happy she’s not in my life anymore, and I hope it stays that way. I can’t wait to get our own place, we’re searching now so hopefully soon!

      And aww thank you girly ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. They’re surprised for sure, but doing really well (: out of my friends- I did not expect her to be the first one popping out a baby haha but I’m really excited for her & her man to start a family

        Liked by 1 person

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