Journal Entry (#56)

December 30, 2018

1:14 PM

I’ve been overwhelmed.

It’s funny, I feel like I’ve been waiting so long for this chance to be on my own, but I wasn’t prepared for all the setbacks that have come my way.

Things are slowly coming together though, and I’ve been pushing through my anxiety and depression and working on bettering my mindset about things.

Surviving paycheck to paycheck has been a struggle.

I’ve been at my job for a month now, and the income is slowly starting to put me back on track. But PNC was a big setback. The overdraft fees were ridiculous. And I feel like I started paying my bills and next months are already here. So I don’t feel like I’m getting that far ahead.

Not to mention that my roommates went from saying I didn’t have to pay this month to asking for $250 since I haven’t paid anything. It’s whatever, I know they’ve helped us out a lot, but my pet peeves are adding up.

For starters, C and I have had a few issues because we’ve been struggling. Last week he worked everyday, almost 70 hours in total. It was hard. They have him closing on the weekends where he has to rely on his coworkers to get him home. And the coworkers he was relying on? Well, they’re really not reliable at all. They’re too focused on a good time that they drink and drink and then smoke and chill and then they don’t feel like bringing him home. When he gets a ride from them, he’s usually home around 8 am or later the next morning.

But the thing that bothers me the most is his inability to keep me posted on what he’s doing. Because what am I supposed to think when you’re ignoring my calls but staying out all night? We did this back home, and I couldn’t handle it then. So my anxiety has skyrocketed.

Last week I had a breakdown at the bar in front of the roommates. Because C was supposed to get off work and meet us, but he got stuck until close. And then he said he’d get a ride home from the coworker but he wasn’t sure he had enough room in his Jeep for me to join. And that set me off. Because when you live with someone and barely see them, it just gets to you.

So I broke down.

And M, my roommate, was trying to be a friend about it. But she kept telling me I was dumb for the shit I was putting up with. And she started implying that he wasn’t telling me things or that he was doing things I know he’s not doing.

But that’s the problem when you don’t know the full story. Miscommunication is a big thing, and I was hurt.

C and I have been through so much in the 8 months we’ve been together. We were amazing until people got involved. Tori was a big issue. And finding out he was still talking to her also hurt. He says it was because if the kid was his, he wanted to do the right thing. But, if the last time you had sex was over a year ago, then how can it be your kid? Unless you had sex when we were together. And I’ve creeped through his phone a few times and found things I didn’t want to see. Things that hurt to see. And I still feel like he may not have told me the whole truth about things out of fear of hurting me.

And I don’t know what to believe. Because I know he loves me, and after that day last week, he came home telling me he didn’t want me to feel the way I was feeling. That he was going to work on changing. And honestly, he’s working on being better at communicating, and working on us. And right now, I’m willing to let the bullshit from 2018 slide away. I want to start fresh next year.

But my tolerance for the bullshit is gone. He’s on his last leg with me. Because the hurt is too much otherwise, and I can’t handle that anymore.

Tori had her baby. A little girl. I don’t think it’s his kid – I really don’t. But he still needs to get a paternity test to fully put this behind us.

I cannot have Tori’s toxic traits in my life. I don’t want anything to do with her again. I’m done. I gave her a chance. I tried. She fucked me over multiple times, hurt me, and came in the middle of my relationship one too many times. Karma will come back around.

Back to my roommate – I had told her that night about how C was still talking to Tori. She told me she felt disrespected by that because of how Tori stole from her (she stole about $200 in makeup). And while I understand that, it also has nothing to do with her. I told her to explain my feelings. M turned it around and made it about her.

And when Tori had her baby, I showed M a picture from Tori’s moms’ Facebook. M told me she still thought the kid could be his. And my point in showing her was to explain I was thinking with a better mindset. As to put it behind me and move on. I don’t need the negativity. And I learned I cannot talk to her about C because she will never understand our relationship.

The main thing I want to bitch about, is how she’s handling the bills. After this last weekend, knowing that C worked all week, that we were working on issues, she brought up bills every night this week, starting on Christmas Eve.

It pissed me off.

I understand paying, but when I tell you that we will both have our dues this week then you need to drop it. I’m tired of hearing about how you’re having money issues. It’s got nothing on the issues C and I have.

For starters, M and S have bought a sectional, coffee table, and dining room table/chairs since we moved in. She drives. And they go out to drink or eat almost every other day.

But she had the audacity to throw in my face that we go out once a week to drink, when there’s bills due. C has helped them out a lot, prior to this move. He’s been the only one working out of us both for a while, and he was giving them majority of his paycheck.

We couldn’t afford to do a single thing for Christmas this year. It was the worst holiday I’ve had, because it just didn’t feel like it.

She told me they couldn’t do anything either. But it’s funny, they were able to get each other gifts. C and I got nothing. And I’m not one to be bitter about things, but do not act like you understand our situation. C and I had ramen noodles for Christmas. We’ve been barely getting by. Half the time I don’t eat because we don’t have it. They can afford a gym membership and buying things to promote that lifestyle. We can’t right now.

It’s why C worked a whole week straight. He doesn’t want to struggle anymore. It’s not fair.

This post has been mostly venting, so I’m going to wrap it up.

I’m feeling optimistic about next year. And I hope everyone really did have a good Christmas and that New Year’s is good, too!

I’ve been so busy it’s been hard to keep up with writing. I’m going to work on it. There’s so much more to even talk about, I’ve been slacking

Stay safe on New Year’s everyone!

1:45 PM

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