Journal Entry (#55)


November 26, 2018

I’m a dreamer. I’ve always been. Maybe it’s why I’m so passionate about change but so afraid to embrace it. Uprooting my life has been hard. It’s a change I worked for, busted my ass for – and I know it’s going to work out and things will be okay! – but by God, it’s fucking killing me.

My mental state has been just sad the last few weeks. I’ve been growing homesick. Lazy, unmotivated. My bank account has been the main source of my depression. Life gets serious when you realize funds are limited. And not for a lack of trying.

I’ve tried.

I start a new job tomorrow. I applied for a receptionist position a few weeks ago, and they gave me a call back… for a different position. It’s for a Pharmacy Fill Technician position. Starts at $10.50 an hour, 40 hours a week (steady hours Monday through Friday). Not what I want for the rest of my life, but it’s close by and I think it’ll be a good start.

And I’m so ready to get back to working.

Although, I feel so weird these days. Taking a month away in a stressful situation wasn’t exactly what I needed. It’s stressed me more to not have a job. I just want to get the first few days over with and get a feel for the job. They even provide training, so I’ll be good.

It’s ironic to me that I dated a pharmacist before C.

Things have just been hard with barely getting by. And it makes me wonder if I was rushing the move for the wrong reasons.

We start to understand more the moment we take the leap of faith. But isn’t it what life is about? Even if this move was a mistake, it was my choice and decision to make it. And I know in my gut it’s going to get better. But the wait has been the most trying. And bill collectors don’t have patience on a person for voluntarily moving without a job guaranteed.

I didn’t qualify for unemployment.

And PNC has been ridiculous with their late fees. Been so annoyed I’ve procrastinated with calling once more to ask for help. I looked back at my previous transactions because something didn’t sit right with me. I had three charges, one at a gas station, and then Netflix and Hulu charged me at the same time. The overdraft happened because I forgot they were taking payments out at this time.

I had $15.40 in my account. Netflix took money out first ($11.65). This brought my account to $3.75. After this, I have an overdraft fee ($36). When my account is in the positive? Yeah that’s what I’m saying. It brought my account to -$32.25. Then Hulu and my charge at the gas station came through, racking me with two more overdraft fees on top of that. Three fees altogether. Only two items overdrafted the account. I’m disputing that.

I called them for help over a week ago. They basically said they wouldn’t do anything because I had money applied to my account for my dispute back in October (when Tori stole the UHaul). In light of this discovery, I’m hoping they’re more willing to help. Because what should have been -$17 in my bank account turned into over -$200. It’s made me so incredibly depressed.

This isn’t me. I make sure my bills are paid first, always. Now my bills are behind. I’ve missed credit card payments. I can’t buy anything, do anything. Holidays are approaching and I don’t even have money to get home. I missed Thanksgiving, will probably miss Christmas. Shit happens, but it’s all happening at once.

I’ve lost my patience with C a few times. Emotions all over the place due to stress and hormones – my period was almost a month late. I know it was from stress and probably the minor surgery with the cyst. But he’s stressed, too. We handle it differently, he’s more carefree and accepting of the situation. It doesn’t mean he’s not aware of what needs done. Or if I agree with going out versus paying towards something. But, those mini outings have been needed, too.

What’s done is done, and maybe I’ve had too much time to think, but I’m ready to bring on this new beginning. And I’m so ready for the first paycheck.

Things will be better come the new year. I know they will be. But right now I’m sad. And I’m lonely and I’m ready for something to give. What’s the point in having time if you’re alone and broke?

I did get invested in a show recently though. Have you watched Reign? I’ve been so engrossed in it.

My mind has been doing so much thinking. Of what I want and the lack of what I’m doing. I moved here to start new, and I brought the same bad habits with me. I need to start a new one. A better habit.

I’ve made it this far living in misery, I can handle one more month until I can start to catch myself up. It’s nice living here, our roommates have been great to us. But there’s been a few times they’ve fought and argued bad. And while they make up every time, the fighting makes me feel like I’m in between my mom and step dad again as a little kid. I shake and I want to escape. I don’t handle situations like that well at all.

And while I really do like them as people, I don’t want to stay living with them for longer than necessary. This time next year, I hope Clif and I can begin to look somewhere else to live. Get our own place, however small, and start our own life. Get our own animals. I want to come home and feel that this is my house. I welcome our roommates hospitality, but this house will never belong to Clif and I. It’s their stuff in the living room, kitchen, bathroom. We are guests who pay to use the stuff. But that is all. In that sense, it’s not much different from living at home.

I feel like I’ve done dishes more than anyone else lately. I do it because I’m here more than everyone else right now, but it still sucks. Especially because my roommates have been using a baking pan that’s more for baking meat on it because it has skits and another pan underneath it, and they’ve been using it to make…. frozen Totino’s pizzas. The small ones that are rectangle shaped.

Instead of using a basic baking pan… they use this item that’s annoying as hell to clean. Which would be fine if they were cleaning it, but I’ve had to clean it like 10 times in the last 2 weeks.

And I feel like I’m never going to really be able to bitch about little things here. Because of the fact they let us live here for free the last month due to our situation. And because of them, we have a place to stay here. I’ll always be thankful, but even more so, it makes it a temporary home. And I want my own. My mom was right about that much.

It’s been hard. Knowing if I’ve made the right decision. And then I realize that life is simply about making these hard decisions and knowing that either way, you’re damned in some way. My mom is in a financial bind, and her medical issues do worry me. Because she can’t get help in town with the medical she gets through the state. And her car needs fixed, she can’t travel far. Her so called best friend was supposed to drive her to a doctor an hour away, and then bailed.

I understand my mother a lot lately. She had it tough, and I get that she feels like she tried to make all these choices to help other people, and in the end, she’s alone. Not happy. She has no one. Barely even me right now.

And that scares me. And upsets me. Because I know I’m entitled to this choice, but life is cruel sometimes. Everything I’ve procrastinated on in life, I need to make come to life. I’m finally ready to get my license, and my friend hasn’t even gotten back to me about taking me driving. He was so anxious to help me until I got here. Isn’t it funny how people boast about helping you until you can actually make it happen? I’m too old for things to just be talk. I need to see some action. This includes friends. If you’re my friend then be there for me. Shit, a text back is hard to get from some people.

It also makes me realize that the older we get, the busier we get, the less time we have for ideal conversation. If you want someone to talk to you, idle chit chat isn’t going to grab someone’s attention. Sometimes just stating that you miss someone’s friendship or conversation, it means something to know a person is thinking of you. Being in this position has been hard, but it’s taught me to be patient and understanding.

Sometimes the only choice you can make is to wait it out.

I’ve realized I’ve lost my sense of purpose in life. Too much time thinking can make you question what you believe. Your hope for the future. If what you’re doing is the right thing, when it all feels like it’s falling apart. I’ve been trying so hard to trust myself. To know that I will survive this and I will be a better person for it. I can see the finish line, but I’m barely crushing the surface.

Staying afloat is hard.

So hard.

But I’m ready. I’m ready to find my voice again. Slowly.

1:37 PM

4 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#55)”

    1. Thank you! (: has my first day today and I think it’s going well. Can’t complain too much. And ohh it’s so good! Glad I’m not the only one who loves it! Thanks so much for the support 💜💜

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You haven’t made the wrong choice, love. I know you will find a way to get back up on both feet again. It will just take time. I hope you’re liking your new job & 40 hrs a week is going to be amazing for you. Maybe you should hide that pan you hate cleaning next time so hey will have to use a proper one lol. Always thinking of you, you’re never alone. ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been lacking so much patience lately, it’s been awful lol. The new job is nice so far, and it’s a nice change of pace from what I’m used to! I’m glad to be working again, I’ll just be happy when I start getting paid and things caught up lol. I’ve stopped trying to clean the pan as much as possible lmao. Thank you for always being so supportive, it really means a lot to me 💜

      Liked by 1 person

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