Journal Entry (#51)

September 27, 2018
2:31 PM

Time has been flying by so. damn. fast. I seriously cannot keep up with it anymore. It feels like it’s been a lot of me fighting lately, fighting to get out of this situation I’ve felt stuck and cooped up in. But I’ve also been at a standstill, waiting for things to change, for something to move.

Then last week my dog died.

Achilles, my dog. He was an Alaskan Malamute mix. Adopted him in 2012, he was only about 8 or 9 years old. Miss him a lot ❀

We still don’t know what from exactly. It was unexpected. My mom had called me saying the dog hadn’t been moving much and he had hidden himself under the porch and wasn’t coming out. She didn’t know what to do. And then she went to check on him and he was gone. Dead. No life. My heart hurt so much. Especially because the last time I was home before then, I had gotten in a fight with my mother and didn’t even pay the dog a visit before leaving. And it hurts knowing that the last time I even did see him, I didn’t give him much attention.

It’s honestly felt like everything has been happening at once. I was a complete mess for a few days. Because this whole situation, it’s been hard. As much as I want to get out and be on my own, it’s difficult making such a big change. Emotions get in the way. My mom’s been having problems with finding a dentist and oral surgeon for her teeth. Her insurance is covered through the state, but it doesn’t cover much. And 10 years ago when she got her wisdom teeth taken out, they only took 2. And the ones that were impacted have started acting up for her, and it’s painful and swollen.

Like I said, everything has been happening at once. And work has been stressful. I had a complete meltdown last weekend because everything sucks and it hit me all at once. The only thing that even calms my stress and nerves these days is smoking weed.

Via Unsplash

C and I, we’re finally making moves to Pittsburgh. He has to be out of his apartment by the 19th of next month. So things have to move now. And I plan on going with him. Because I have to, for me. There is nothing holding me to this town anymore. I don’t want to keep working a job I’m not happy with. Serving is nice, and I don’t mind it; but ultimately, it’s not going to get me anywhere. Serving in the city, I have a chance to make twice as much in one day. And I can start looking for real jobs. I have people offering to help me get my license down there.

I’ve wanted to work on it, and go driving lately. I have no time, or little time. It sucks. And I’m scared. That I’m going to get down to Pittsburgh and things aren’t going to go smooth or happen the way that we hope. I want to prove my mom wrong about C, and I want to see him get back to work. We need to bring some money in, so it’s equal again, so we can save again, and actually have money to go do fun things.

I’m scared I’m going to get down there and get really homesick. Not having a car or license, it’s going to be some time before I can drive myself to and from there. But, there’s always a chance to pay a friend to drive me up.

It’s just time.

Via Unsplash

And I’m hoping that once we do this, we’ll start to get back to normal. C has hit rock bottom, and this experience we’ve shared together with his landlord has shown me that I definitely don’t want to live with someone else in control of the bills and rent. I really do think we’ll be okay once we get out of here.

I know C has been a slacker, but he has been trying in his own way, too. And he knows what he needs to do. He’s not a dummy. My mom has been fighting with me about it, and trying to tell me it’s a mistake for me to leave. But… I think it’s more of a mistake to stay. The dog dying feels like the final thing that was keeping me here.

My mom can now move to a smaller house, and she has less restrictions. Plus, the lack of the dog, means that money that was spent for him, can now be used towards other things. And I still plan on helping my mom out until she gets on her feet. I just can’t keep doing it here. I’m not happy. And I feel trapped.

Via Unsplash

Finally telling Alex and the others that Pittsburgh is actually happening, it’s felt so surreal. But things have been off for a few weeks now. I can’t stand cashiering anymore, and it’s like more and more people are quitting. To the point where it’s just not the same anymore. The people I used to work with, they’re mostly all gone and moved on now.

4:52 PM

If it wasn’t for this gap, this post may not even have been made.

I just told my mom that the official day to be out is October 19th. She’s not thrilled, but she knew it was coming. I’ve been saying it for a couple months now. It’s time. And telling her, it feels more real now. Like, hey, this is really happening. There’s not much turning back now.

And that’s okay.

Via Unsplash

I need to do this. Need to. I can’t keep moving forward the way that I have been. Finding myself again is going to be difficult, but I think getting myself moving, and getting myself out there? It’s what I need to do right now. And it’s going to suck and I’m going to hurt and I’ll probably have days where I want to go back home and can’t. But, honestly, that’s life. Because even when I am home, things don’t get done. So what’s the difference if I stay?

You guys may hear from me sporadically during the next couple of months, but honestly, until things settle down, I can’t really promise to get back into blogging as frequently as I once did. I do want to get back into that groove someday, but right now, it’s just not happening.

My mom told me when I move, anything that’s hers has to stay. Which includes this laptop I’m writing off of right now. It’s staying when I go. So one of the first things I’m investing in is a cheap laptop.

Via Unsplash

I have no idea what’s going to happen.

The plan right now is to move in with his friends still, who should still have jobs lined up for us to look into when we get there. I don’t know how living with them is going to turn out yet. I’m hoping it’ll be alright, we stayed with them for a week and it was cool. But living with someone is a little different. You’re no longer a guest.

If things go according to plan, then C and I should be able to start getting caught up with things, and be able to start saving as well. And maybe this time next year we can be looking for our own place together.

This is what I’m hoping for. But reality has been kind of funny lately and things just never happen how I hope for them to. And I may fall flat on my face. And that part? That part is scary. I’m taking a risk here, but I also know I need to.

Via Unsplash

No more waiting around, it’s time to make moves. What good comes from waiting, when you can start now?Β 

There’s so much I want to tell you guys, and it’s so hard to stay updated. But the one thing I will promise is I will come back to the blog one of these days. That’s a guarantee. It’s just going to take me longer than I anticipated, and thank you guys for bearing with me and still supporting me.

Hope everyone has a good day! ❀

5:03 PM

9 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#51)”

  1. So sorry for your loss ,and so glad to hear that you’re finally doing what makes you happy …I’ve really missed your blog girlie can’t wait till your next post πŸ’“

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No worries dearie I’m not going anywhere just take your time and get things sorted out before coming back …wishing you all the best

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Laken! My heart hurts for Achilles. β™‘ I’m so so sorry for your loss. I am more than happy to hear that you’re taking the leap & moving out to Pittsburgh. Everything will work out in the end, even if not smoothly. Just you watch!

    Liked by 1 person

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