Journal Entry (#49)

August 2, 2018
12:33 PM

It’s crazy to believe that it’s already August, which means a year ago, I restarted this blog and brought it back alive. And then a few months ago, I went and stopped blogging again. When you look back over the last year, it’s bizarre the amount of changes that can happen.

This time last year, I was in a fresh relationship with Ray, thought my future was starting to develop, finally. I began blogging again, to find some kind of purpose again, and creative outlet. But aside from that? Nothing that crazy really happened, and yet a lot did. If that makes any sense at all.

Now, my life feels so different, and yet, it’s still the same. I’m still stuck in this aimless town, still struggling to get out. Still working the same dead end job, but upgraded a little. And, I’m dating a guy who quit his job and has been leaning on me the last month. Not to make that sound as awful as it does, but the reality is just that. I handed over $100 to his landlord yesterday just to make sure his electric didn’t get shut off.

And I’m asking myself yet again, what is my purpose, because every time I find myself, I lose myself again. C has been my crutch lately, but he’s also been kind of bringing me down, and I know my mom is right about that. He is getting a job, nothing that grand, but he has an interview at a Jimmy John’s today. It’s only taken him 3 weeks to motivate his ass, but I digress.

If I take out the money problem, C and I are great together. But I can’t help but worry if this is our future if we stay together. When he lost his job on campus (before I met him) over getting caught with weed (his friend had been selling it at the time, not him, but still), he lost a lot of opportunity. Now, he has that going against him when it comes to applying to any real jobs.

C talks a lot. About what he wants, the future, his goals. But… I’m noticing a lot of the time, it’s always talk. Like when he says he’ll call me back or text me and he doesn’t. And it’s not that his intentions aren’t true, but he lets himself get caught up in other things that push him back. And it’s hard to really feel like I can build something with someone who can be really unreliable at times.

Him not working lately has made him lazy, too. No motivation. If his landlord wasn’t threatening to shut things off, I don’t think he’d of motivated at all.

But, I do love him, and I want to see him better himself, and I can finally see him trying again. Every relationship has hard times, and I don’t know if C and I will stay together forever or anything, but, I’m not going to give up on him over this.

It just worries me that maybe my mom is right about her doubt in C, and that maybe I’m just in denial about the reality of things because I want to prove her wrong so bad. I want to build a future with C, I want to get out of this town. And I know he could do much better if he wasn’t around the people who are here, at least most of them.

He’s really good friends with this older guy who works at one of the local supermarkets in town. They’ve known each other for over 10 years, and he told C to fill out an application and he’d help him get back into that store. I got off work the other night and C met me up at the bar, with his friend, K. K looked at me and told me I must be a hell of a woman because C usually loses interest after a couple months. He told me to make sure he did the application (I did, even though that was a struggle and a half). K told me that he’s seen C go from down to up just by being with me. And he’s not the only person who has told me this. Everyone loves C, he’s a great guy with a great personality. But he’s a procrastinator, and he goes about things the quick and easy way, which is not always the right way. And his real friends? They worry about him. Hell, I worry about him. It’s why I’ve picked up on his slack. He needs to find himself again, too.

There are times and places to drink and smoke with friends. Just not everyday. You can’t sit around and watch Netflix all day, or play video games and expect a different outcome. When you are scrounging up the last of your change to buy a pack of Newports, there is a problem. When the only solutions you can think of for quick money could land you in jail, there is an issue. I don’t want to see him risk it all again. Not if he wants me to really move in with him. I won’t move in with him until he gets a stable job. And I won’t move in with him if he doesn’t make a change with himself to get moving in the right direction.

I can’t stand a bullshitter, I’ve lived with one all my life. If you want the change, make it happen. 

I have to remind myself of the same shit. I need to make changes. Slowly, I am. I started serving, but at the same time? It’s still the same bullshit job because I’m still cashiering. My mom tells me I’d be making a mistake by moving strictly to serving, but, I actually really would make more money. And I could work a serving job in the day, and work my hours at night where I am. My mom tells me it’s a stupid idea, and I need to do something with my Bachelor’s.

I agree that I do, but, how am I supposed to do that right now? I still need a new computer, and every time I start saving, I have to spend it.

There are so many things I need to start working on. I need to go driving more often so I can get my license. And I think I need to take out a loan to get my cards paid off and buy the equipment I need to get myself started.

Honestly, I think I’m just running scared at this point. I’m living between two houses, and I have no idea what I’m doing. I have my mom’s issues, and C’s issues. And I feel stuck. Because I want to just focus on my relationship and moving forward, but I can’t. So I get angry. At everything. Because I feel C and I would just up and move if it wasn’t for my mom.

There’s just so many kinks and problems that I know need worked through. I don’t really know what to expect, or what is coming. My birthday is at the end of the month, and I really want to just get out of town.

I want to blog again like I used to. Take photos like I used to. I really have changed, but I think it’s me being fed up of all the bullshit. I understand everyone’s point of view, but it doesn’t change how I feel or what I want or need to do for myself. It’s just not easy. And I’m fighting it so much. I feel like I got a taste of freedom and it’s my only focus now. But, I’m not being practical. Or realistic. Because sometimes rushing into things is the only way to get yourself on the right track of where you need to go. Life is funny like that. And I have no more patience to wait around for the right time. There is no such thing. The right time is now, always now.

Make some moves before you keep regretting the fact that you held back on everything you ever wanted for someone else’s satisfaction.

12:57 PM

XOXO

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6 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#49)”

  1. Wow, I’ve missed so much of your life already. I just came back from a long hiatus and I have to read back what happened between you & Ray. 😦 Anyhow, I hope things will get better between you and C. Or I actually just pray that you get what you truly deserve, dear. We’re all just here 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww welcome back Amielle! 💜 and long story short, we just weren’t moving forward and we had this communication gap. So it was a mutual breakup, for the most part.
      But thank you girl 😘💜 I hope so, too. And I hope everything is going well for you!

      Like

  2. I’m really sorry to hear you’re feeling stuck and angry right now. All I can say is that I hope it gets better, and I know you’ll make the right decisions (: you seem like you have a good mindset on what you want & it might be tough and take a little time to get there- just don’t give up

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Happy early birthday, babe ♡ it’s nice to hear from you & to know you’re doing okay. Hopefully C gets that job at Jimmy John’s & starts carrying his own weight. I know you two will figure something out together. ♡ Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

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