Journal Entry (#44)

April 29, 2018
8:48 PM

I don’t even know what to make of things anymore. It’s like, the moment I think things are going well and great, it blows up in my face. Can I be happy? It’s a question to be determined, I guess.

My mom decided to google C. And gather information on him. I’m assuming she got his last name off of my Facebook, and went from there. Basically, she saw that he has a record. He’s been to jail for being caught with drugs, and for assault. Both instances, he has told me about before. She questioned me, asked me if he ever told me anything. He tells me everything, but I kept my guard up because I wanted to know what she was going to show me.

Apparently, too, she asked people about him. He has a terrible reputation, I know that. He’s associated with drug dealers, and yeah, he doesn’t have the best history with this sort of thing. BUT, what she doesn’t know is how he’s been changing since he’s been with me. It’s not just talk – he’s cut out a lot of shit and he’s working on cutting out the rest because being with me is his top priority. He has a son, and I’ve met him once before (last year). She told me that he has multiple kids – which is not true. Again, she’s forming her opinions based off of rumors, when she of all people should know better.

I know that to her, it looks like a bad situation. She’s worried about my future, about me wrecking my life by being with him. I understand that, she’s my mother and she has that right to worry. But…. she doesn’t have the right to stop me from seeing someone. I’m 24 years old, and if I’m going to fuck my life up, that is my right. She can’t stop me, or control me. I’m not one to be controlled anymore, I’m too old for that. And if I don’t try to make things work with C, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

Ray looked great on paper. Future pharmacist, he’s going to make great money when he gets his career started. Came from a family that was well off, not rich, but well off. And never worried about money. But, we just lacked something. We both wanted something that we just weren’t compatible for, and we were trying to make it work when it wasn’t meant to. And I miss Ray, I do, but he wasn’t my future. I know this now.

C wants to build a future with me. We’ve been talking about it. He wants to leave this town, start fresh with me. Being with me is his top priority right now, but at the same time, he knows that my mom is putting me in a tough spot right now. And he told me, that he understands if I don’t think this is worth it to fight it, and he’ll always be there for me, and love me no matter what.

I had a meltdown the night my mom confronted me about this. Completely broke down. She told me I needed to cut him out of my life, told me that she’d make my life hell by staying with him. And my heart hurts so much. Because she’s going to cause us to have this giant rift because she won’t listen. And I need to talk to her, and tell her how I feel and it’s so difficult.

How do I start? How do I open up the conversation when she’s so stuck on her own thoughts, and changing her opinion is difficult once it’s set.

Here’s the thing though: whoever said shit about him, doesn’t actually know him. I don’t know where she got her information, but I guarantee it’s from someone who doesn’t actually talk to him. Because if they did, they’d know that ever since he and I started hanging out, he’s been focused on that. He won’t answer his phone when I’m with him – not unless it’s important or I tell him to (like it’s someone I know, too). He has so many random numbers calling him, usually drug related, and he hates it. He really does.

We talked about it. Most of the people in his life? They only like hanging out with him to get drugs. It’s true. They aren’t his friend. Every time they hit him up? They’re asking for something. It’s not to just hang out. And I told him, I don’t want that in my life either. I don’t even care if we smoke weed anymore, I don’t need it or want it. Being around so many people who have been high strung off of other things, it’s all the more reason to get out.

A girl I went to high school with, she came over to C’s last week. She wound up seeing me, going “Oh My God, Laken!” and gave me a hug. We all smoked together, and she gave me a ride home. She came over the next day… didn’t remember the incident at all or even seeing me. How fucked up is that? And she was sitting there doing coke I think, and she wasn’t really even there – it was fucking crazy. C and I hid in his room, and it was while we were back there that he got robbed the first time.

I don’t want those things in my life, I really don’t. And I can see C doesn’t either. Yes, he’s dealt drugs, and yes he’s done them, too. But when he does, he doesn’t overdo it. And he was explaining this to me. Some of these people get obsessed over it, they go all out, and that’s how people overdose. It’s fucking insane. Especially when I find out that it’s people I work with, too. He won’t deal to people who are that strung out, though. He cuts them off. And if it means being with me, I really think he’ll cut dealing out of his life completely. He told me he had stopped and only started again when he started working this job. The place we work at? Toxic.

To sum it up, I’ve been all over the place lately. Trying to figure things out, and I want to make this crazy thing with C work. Because he’s the first guy who’s truly ever wanted to build a future with me. And I’m starting to see it more clearly now, and I want to be with him. My feelings for him are stronger the more I see him.

It feels like I’m in one of those movies where the parent tries to control their kids life and stop them from seeing the person they really want to be with. The ironic part? She often likes those movies, and roots for the star crossed lovers. But she’s being that parent. And she’s going to lose me if this keeps up.

You know, she threw in my face how my best friend lost her mom. She asked me if I wanted to be without a mother, too. It’s just so cruel. I know she thinks she can stop me from making the wrong choices, but it hurts me how little she trusts my judgement. Am I wrong? Maybe. But that’s up to me to figure out. She’s never met C, how can she give a proper opinion?

When I told C about what she was saying and what she did, you know what he did? He comforted me, called me. We talked on the phone for an hour and he just told me everything, stuff he already told me and I forgot the details to. And I was crying.

If he meant nothing to me, I wouldn’t have cried the way I did. The idea of him not being on my life kills me right now, and it’s so different than how I felt with Ray. Ray made me sad, but it didn’t feel like I was going to lose my best friend.

I know that I’m doing a lot of things that I said I would never do, and I know that I’m acting out. My mom says I’m rebelling like a teenager, but the thing is, I’m an adult woman who’s able to make my own decisions now. I wish she could just see things from my perspective. Maybe if she had let me leave this town when I wanted, I wouldn’t be in this situation. Who knows? But I am here, and this is my decision. Maybe I am naive.

I really don’t know what’s going to happen, and I’ve fallen behind on the blog again due to these circumstances. I got my Allure box and my Splendies package and I really want to do those posts, but for now, my priorities are on what’s going to happen. I’m probably either having a talk with her tonight, or get screamed at when I go meet C at the bar. It’s to be determined. Wish me luck.

Hope everyone is having a much better weekend, all the best xx

9:19 PM


4 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#44)”

    1. She did! Haha right? It’s crazy. Now she’s adjusted to the idea and she’s okay with him again and meeting him. I don’t even know what to think 😂 just been a roller coaster the last few weeks

      Liked by 1 person

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