Journal Entry (#42)

April 23, 2018
11:57 AM

That coffee body scrub I got in my ipsy bag? Simply amazing. It smells so good! And makes my skin feel so smooth. Too bad I only have maybe one more use out of it, such a shame.

I’m off today and tomorrow, same days as last week. I could get used to going back on this schedule – I just want something steady. I hate not knowing when my days off are. We lost a new cashier already, some kind of baby daddy drama and not enough time. Not sure entirely. We just lose people left and right anymore.

My kitchen manager, J, came up to me yesterday after I got there in the morning, and he’s like, “I’m just trying to make everyone happy,” because he’s working like 70 hours a week, almost everyday, and his wife isn’t happy with him because they have a 3 month old baby and he’s never home. I see his point – it fucking sucks being a manager and trying to make everyone happy. I would not want that job, it’s why I don’t want to be any kind of manager – you have to be the bad guy sometimes.

But he comes up to me, and starts telling me that he knows C isn’t happy working there, and he feels like there’s this rift between them (I mean, the whole pot brownie incident and then sending C home after hitting him in the dick is reason enough), but that he’s trying to keep him around. He wants this place to go back to being a fun place to work for. C just doesn’t want to close. And J is trying, he’s working until 12 this week, no later shifts. It’s a start. Plus, he’s giving us one day off together. It is hard when you can’t rely on your employees to show up, and it’s hard when it all falls back on you. You can’t make everyone happy though, and it’s a tough job.

I still really want to serve and everyone knows I deserve a chance to try it out. A1 is on her last week of softball and games, so I may finally get a chance to start that. She did promise me, J promised me, and the owner is willing to work with me. So, come on guys, give me a chance. I’d be 10 times better than half their servers put together now, and they all know that. I’d make a lot more money, too. I just need my cashier hours to be cut back, I don’t want to work 40 hours over there plus serving. That’s too much. I need the money, but not that badly. I want to work on getting my sanity back, not lose anymore.

I’m going to go over to C’s in an hour or so, have to get some small tasks done around here (clean out the cat boxes), and get myself ready. I met up with him last night after he got off work. He was scheduled until 11, but the dummy couldn’t leave until 12 because he opened up a bunch of tomato puree cans to make marinara. And he never made the marinara. Alex was sitting with me at the bar and he goes, “I’m going to go back there and help him do the spices.”

Okay, so my mom interrupted me in the middle of writing (how annoying is it when you’re in the middle of typing out your thoughts and someone pulls you away from that.) And she’s asking me to spend some time at home and get some cleaning done. And I’m like, fine, I’ll go meet C later on towards 5 or so. And it seemed fine. Until she fucking had to go and bring up my job and how I need to work on getting out there and bettering myself, the same old shit she keeps throwing in my face over and over again like I’m unaware. And she just goes, “I’m just opening your eyes to the fact you need to set your priorities straight.” Like…. I fucking know. Get off my back. I get you want what is best for me, but trying to control my life is not how you do it. And you can say you’re not trying to control it, but if you weren’t, why do you keep throwing my face in it.

I had mentioned about how C wants me to spend the night and that it might be easier if I started doing that, and she just goes, “No. You guys aren’t that serious right now, don’t subject me to more things I’m not ready for.” Oh, sorry, I forgot we have to cater to your touch and go feelings because I’m asking you to accept me dating a half black guy. Gotcha. Yes, if he’s worth it, he’ll stick around. But it’s the principle of the matter. If I was on my own, he’d of been staying the night at my place.

I understand that I need to better my life – I completely agree, and I’m working on it. But to treat me like I can’t live life how I want because she thinks I need to do the things she wants done, how is that fair? I may live at home, and I do my share to help out, but I’m trying! I spend my nights at home with her, we play games. But if I want to spend the rest of my nights with C, it gets thrown in my face. It’s why I’m scared to bring up the vacation. She can’t accept me spending the night with him, how’s she going to feel with me being out of state and spending a week together with him and two other of my guy friends?

Telling her I wanted to work on getting into serving, that I deserve that chance, and she goes, “You don’t want to get into that because of all the creeps out there.” Umm…. I deal with them now, I can stand my own ground, and I don’t plan on doing it forever. It’s quick cash, I need to work on setting money aside to get my ass down to Pittsburgh and to get a car and all that jazz. I am thinking about this stuff but I’m also trying to be realistic. Constantly nagging me is only going to add stress to my already stressful self.

I’ve mentioned a few times – I have so many knots in my back because I live in constant stress. As soon as I start doing things that help me unwind, she just throws more stress at me. I don’t think she’s being unreasonable about wanting help, but she’s got to let me live my life, too. Yes, maybe I have been spending too much time over at C’s. But I want to spend my time with him. She said it was understandable for me to spend the night with Ray since he was out of town, but she doesn’t condone it. I’m sorry, are we in the 60’s? I’m 24 years old, is it so wrong for me to want to spend a night with a guy? This is where my mother and I clash – we’re passionate about the opposite sides of the spectrum.

She wants to look for another place to live, and wants my help with her. But the things that she’s doing, she’s pushing me to just find my own place. Because I love her, but I don’t want to live under her rules or be constantly reminded of my failure to her. I need to bring up the vacation though, and prepare for that storm. Don’t I deserve a little getaway? Or am I wrong in thinking that? I think she’d rather me live in misery if it meant living life how she sees fit, versus embracing life and living in the moment.

I respect the fact that she’s 53 years old, has lived her fair share of heartache and letdowns. I get that. I really do. But you can’t base my circumstances off of yours, or my life based off of your past mistakes. I’ve seen the mistakes, I don’t want that. I want to get my life straightened out, I really do. But she’s going to have to let me stand my ground because it’s just making it so hard for me to move forward.

Now that I’m not rushing over to C’s, I guess I should go and get some stuff done. I try so hard to make her happy, the little things. I just wish she could see things from my perspective sometimes, but she’s always been narrow minded like that. Closed off if she disagrees. While I’m open, and I can see both sides of the story. She can’t. The older I get, the less I’m able to tolerate it.

Hope everyone has a great day, it’s actually gorgeous outside,  I’m trying to focus on the sunshine! XX

12:44 PM

9 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#42)”

  1. As always, I hope your stress levels go down in the coming days and weeks! I think it would be okay for you to look for your own place (: your mom should be proud of your independence when you move out

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha oh trust me, I know! I’m trying to get her to get with the times, and I think she’s accepting my relationship with C now, but it’s just driving me crazy 😂 it’d be so much easier on me if I could just spend the night. Hell, he’s a closer walk to work, too. Lol 😂 and she knows I’m going on vacation with him, so I’ll obviously be spending a whole week with him. Her logic doesn’t make sense half the time

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Me, too! I think she’s realizing that I’m just going to keep seeing him, she can’t stop me from that. And he’s even offered to bring her food home when we go out to eat! She’s weird about it because of her boyfriend. She said she’d invite C over otherwise. But, I really don’t care if her boyfriend approves or not lol. So it may happen soon (:


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