Journal Entry (#39)

April 16, 2018
10:24 AM

I’m so happy I’m off today and tomorrow. This past weekend was hell. For starters, it was gorgeous outside – first few days of the season where it was 70 degrees – so, naturally, everyone was buying beer. Which meant that every time I tried to go do something at work, I couldn’t, because we just had people walking in every minute. And when I can’t get things done, it stresses me out. To top it off, my other cashiers requested this weekend off previously. A1 had her softball games, and D and MJ were doing something, I dunno.

Friday, the only cashier working was me, and then one of the manager cooks, Don. He can work the register, but he’s not a cashier, and he gets stressed out answering the phone constantly. And we were so busy, that I kept trying to do things to help him out so he wouldn’t have to worry about it, and it was a struggle. Friday I worked 10 hours.

Saturday and Sunday my other cashier was a new girl, and with it being only her second week, there’s only so much she knows. And with how busy we were, and how chaotic everything was getting to be, she was bound to mess up a few times. I wasn’t mad at her for it, but it did add onto the stress I was already brewing. To top things off, sometime around 5 or 6 that night, when the kitchen was a madhouse and tickets were blowing up, C and my kitchen manager J got into it. Apparently, C went around the cooler to grab something, and J slammed the door open and it hit him right in the dick. Which would make any guy bitch, come on. But instead of owning up to the fact that it was J’s fault, he sent C home and took his place on the front line, where everything was a mess and he truly wasn’t helping.

Everyone was stressed and frustrated, and instead of being rational, J just decided to send him home because C was bitching at him. So, C calls the owner and told him what J did. So the owner shows up later and J basically owned up to what he did and things got resolved, but C wound up getting the rest of the night off (he was supposed to work 4 to close, which only really screwed Don because he’s the main closer).

For me, it just kept going downhill after that, and once it hit 8pm, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go home again when I was scheduled. So for the last hour I was scrambling to get things stocked and filled and worked to fill all the holes in the cooler – there were so many! Eventually, Alex looked at me and told me to just go home. Earlier in the day, Alex and J had told me that I could take home a 6 pack because they knew I got screwed hard this weekend. They had told me they’d try to send me home early on Sunday, too, but that didn’t happen either. Unless you count 15 minutes as early. I don’t. I got a little frustrated with that bullshit, too. Don’t say you’ll try to get me out early and then don’t bother. I hate that shit. Because then I think I might actually get it. Joke’s on me at that point.

Anyways, since C got sent home early on Saturday, and it was so nice outside for once, I decided to go out and meet up with him. It wasn’t until 11:30ish, but I got to enjoy some of it, and we just hung out with some people and played Mario Kart. It’s funny, I keep meeting these girls that he knows or his friends that he has over, and they’re all like, “Laken’s my best friend now.” And I just think that’s so funny because I don’t really do or say anything, but I guess I’m just good company? Or they think it’s funny that I always have a comeback for C, and they’re like, “I like her.”

I’m just so happy I’m off two days in a row, I think the last time this happened for me was when I went to see Ray. And that was over a month ago. Which is also crazy to me, it’s been almost a month of not talking to Ray. And some days I really miss him, but I can feel myself getting over him. C is helping with that, and I’m trying to invest myself more into making it work with him, too. And just going with it. I know C is in love with me, and maybe I’m holding onto that. My feelings are still over the place, but I know I really do like him, too. I think I’m just scared of certain things, and I’m not sure where I’m going or what I’m doing. And that scares me. Because change needs to come, which means I have to take initiative to make these things happen and to make them real. I’m going to have to take a stand, and be on my own and find my true independence and learn how to take care of myself.

It’s fucking scary not knowing the outcome. It’s scary knowing I could lose C, and it’s scary knowing that this comfort zone I’ve built, I’m going to have to walk away from. Because if I stay here? I’ll never accomplish anything, my degree will be laid to waste, and I will never be successful or amount to anything. How scary to know that it’s all been leading up to this point in my life?

I’m spending today with C. Amazingly, J gave both of us a day off together. I don’t know if he did that on purpose or with intent, but I’m taking advantage of it. He wants to take me out to eat and stuff, so it should be a nice day. Aside from the miserable rain and the fact that it’s cold again. There’s this Japanese steakhouse that opened up a few months ago, and he went the one day (wanted me to go with him then but I found an excuse not to), and he’s been wanting to take me there. They make the food right in front of you, and you can customize it. Plus they have a bar, with apparently amazing mixed drinks. So we will see! He knows how picky and weird I am with food, so I guess I will see if I can find something.

Not really sure what the rest of the day we’ll do, I may talk him into shopping. Or we may just be lazy and play Mario Kart or something. Which is honestly fine with me, too. I just like that we can actually spend a whole day together. I’m excited. He still wants me to spend the night over so bad, but I’ve been holding off. My mom can’t really tell me no, but I feel staying over is also a big step for me. And once I start staying over I’ll start doing it often.

Anyways, my birth certificate came in, so this girl is going to finally get her permit soon! Next project is working on getting my passport, too. Also, my ipsy bag came in, so I’ll be trying those products this week and giving a review soon (hopefully by Sunday).

Hope everyone has a wonderful day xx

10:58 AM

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