Journal Entry (#38)

April 12, 2018
11:57 AM

April feels like it’s been so long already. Maybe it’s just because things feel like they’re finally getting real around here, or something. Between my mom’s freak out about me being with C, and work, and everyone basically asking me what I’m planning on doing, I just don’t even know anymore.

My mom told me the other night that she wasn’t going to fight me on what I want to do anymore. If I want to be with C, she would let me fall on my face, but she’s too old to deal with the stress. And then she had me show her a picture of him and we talked about him for a bit. She can keep making her stereotypical remarks, but it’s progress. Sometimes you have to take baby steps. But then, last night she got upset with me for leaving because I didn’t want to play a game of Mario Party with her, I wanted to go to C’s. He was off yesterday, and the rest of the week he basically works 4 to close, so my chances of spending time with him are very slim, unless I go over for a half hour or so in the morning. So yes, I wanted to go over last night.

She’s mad because I went over Tuesday night, too. Actually, Tuesday, we went out together for the first time. As in, we showed up together, not met each other. We went to our bar first, and people made their remarks but it was all joking. I guess you could say we had our first date, at 11:00 pm. We grabbed some food, had a drink and some shots. Ate part of his last pot brownie before we went out, so those kicked in, too. C was all over me, he said he likes embarrassing me out in public. He kept sliding his hands around me and up my shirt and down my pants and I almost slapped him. He likes to test my limits.

Then we went to this other bar down the road, where basically everyone was going because they have (I think) $0.50 wells on Tuesday night or something along those lines. But the place was packed! And C knew everyone there it seemed. We just kept running into people and he kept introducing me. We made it to the bar and got some drinks, and he was still all over me. Telling everyone I was his girl. And at some point our friend J showed up, and he was talking to me about the trip, and how he gave us the wrong dates when we should go down – during the weekend of the 19th he told his Aunt his nephews/nieces could have the beach house or something like that, that he and BP were going to stay at some guy’s place who was letting all the people who were going to the concert stay at or some shit like that (what a huge run on sentence).

C and I booked a flight already for May 19th (Saturday) around like 6 am. And he and I were talking, and we might wind up just doing our own thing in Florida for a few days and just meet the other guys towards the end of the trip, that way we can just hitch a ride back with them. J was saying C and I would have our own bedroom and stuff, but that the first couple days would be up in the air. I’m not really surprised at that, J is always up in the air with shit, you can’t hold him to anything.

Just like apparently J had told C not to buy me a plane ticket down. I don’t know why, I haven’t done anything, but I guess part of it was because BP has a thing for me, and J was trying to tell C that there was more there. But there isn’t. I didn’t even know that BP had a thing for me because we talk as just friends. I mean, I could see it, but he’s never tried to get with me or flirt with me. So no, I don’t think there was any kind of issue there. C and I may not be official (not that he doesn’t want to, I’m not ready), but he’s the only guy I’m talking to and seeing. That’s it.

So after J and I were done talking, and C and I were making out at the bar at some point – the more I drank, the less I cared about his  PDA attempts. Because why should I care? He wants to show me off, and I’m not used to that. Like, he’s incredibly happy to be with me. After all of that, though, his roommate/squatter/friend R was in the bar, so we went to find him in the back and sat down to talk with him. C went to the bathroom, and R and I were talking, and J comes over and asks me about C and I, and if we’re official or not because we were kissing at the bar. And R flipped shit on him, and told him to mind his own business. And J walked off all pissed and shit, and R looks at me and is like, “that motherfucker is nosy as hell.” And went into telling me how even before C and I had started publicly seeing each other, that he was constantly asking about us.

And I was just kind of surprised how R stood up for me. I don’t really care either way, I’m not hiding anything, J can ask his questions. But no, we’re not official because I’m taking things a little slow. Yes, C and I are sleeping together and hanging out all the time, but it’s at our own pace, and that really isn’t anyone else’s business. Like Alex was saying at work yesterday when he was asking me if my “boytoy” was working or not. He was like, “you’re not denying it anymore.” And I was like, there’s no point. And he was like, “Good, do you really think anyone cares anyways?” Because that’s just it – they don’t. It’s between C and I, so who fucking cares?

Eventually, I had to leave. I was a little annoyed we spent so much time at the bar because I didn’t have much alone time with C, because he kept running into people. But, we were walking home and he kept putting his arms around me and started kissing me, right in the middle of an alley. I was drunk/high at this point, too, like this point of the night I remember but it’s like remembering a dream. He was trying to basically have sex in the middle of this public alley, and I think he liked how nervous I got around him, and the rush of it all. He looked around where we were and was like, “I have an idea.” And he fucking took me to where J lives, because to get to J’s apartment there’s this back closed off alley, and a bunch of steps to go up. He lives at the top, and it’s a closed off porch area. So… basically, we had sex up there since J was still at the bar and we had all this sexual tension built up from the night.

He wound up texting me, and he said, “Miss you babe every day I spend with you I want you more and more. I think I really do love you.” And he told me that I’m the love of his life, and he’s thought about it and he really believes that. And I don’t know where my feelings are quite yet, but I know I love being around him and spending time with him and I want to see where we can take things.

Tuesday was a great night.

Last night was a lot of fun, too, despite the little rift with my mother and I. She wouldn’t let me leave until I finished my laundry, so I didn’t get to leave until 11:30pm. Her washer takes an hour and a half to wash, and the dryer takes an hour. So doing even 2 loads of laundry takes like 4 or 5 hours. It sucks.

I went over to C’s and we played this Kirby game he got for his Switch, and he had this one guy over and we bullshitted for awhile. Then TL called and wanted to hang out, and it’s funny, as soon as I say I’ll have C ready in 15 minutes or whatever, TL shuts up and let’s C go. Because C is always like, “yeah I’ll be ready,” and he’s constantly late. He’s slow, and I’m always on time. But we had only a little time, and his friend wound up heading out. So we probably had the fastest quickie, like, ever. We usually have sex for like an hour, and lately we’ve been on a time limit, and have had to practice shortening it. I think the 5 minutes last night was pretty ground breaking, it is possible.

TL showed up and this other guy we work with, B, and we wound up heading back to TL’s place and drank a little, smoked a little and played this card game for an hour. I took one hit and that stuff got me really high, I thought my tolerance was building up but I guess not. I’m not complaining! C also got really high after a couple hits, he was not with it at all.

TL’s girlfriend drove C and I back right after 2, because of my dumb curfew. C wanted to go home, and I had to go home. My mom, of course, had to comment on how it was like 2:15 when I walked through the door, and how I should leave earlier. And it just annoys me so much. Like, I’m off today, I’m planning on spending majority of the day with her, too, we had plans. But it’s not enough, and it never is. She told me last night that I need to get my own place because she’s sick of me constantly leaving. Like, sorry for being 24 years old and not wanting to be home every night? Sorry I got bored playing the same board on Mario Party with the same mini games every free night with her this week?

It’s like she’s jealous I want to spend all my free time with C. But isn’t that how new relationships are? You want to spend every free minute together. That’s what Ray and I lacked – even apart he hardly told me he wanted to be with me, or missed me. I see C almost everyday, and the moment I leave he tells me he misses me and wants me to spend the night and move in and just be with him.

Why didn’t Ray and I work? Because we lacked that communication, and those strong feelings. The more time I spend with C, and the more I let my guard down and let him actually in, the stronger I develop these feelings. To the point that I could feel myself getting upset when he was ignoring me yesterday, and you know what? His phone was dead. Which it usually is, every time I go over his phone is at like 7%.

I really don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can feel changes are coming soon, and I’m so ready to take them on. It’s about time.

Oh! My birth certificate shipped and should be here in the next week or so. I’m so excited. I can finally go get my permit, and might actually be able to get my passport before the trip.

I’m finally having all of this money set aside, and it’s making me want to splurge so bad. I bought a couple of shirts/dresses off that Wish app, spent $30, and those should be here by the end of the month, first week of May. Never bought anything off there so we will see what a disaster it’ll be. I may even write a review on the app based off of those purchases.

My goals for today include more shopping and getting my mom and I’s hair done, and I’m hoping I can finally do what I want with getting highlights. Fingers crossed, but I know it’s going to depend on my mother’s mood, and I hate that shit. Me going out last night probably still has her in a bad mood, and it’s so dumb. I really do need my own place, and her and I can make plans on our own time. Living together just means she constantly expects me to drop what I’m doing for her, and that’s not okay with me anymore. It should work both ways if that’s the case, and it rarely does.

I’m getting there guys, very slowly, but I’m making progress with things and life and I think once I figure things out I’ll be able to come back to blogging on a regular. But I’m still here, and I definitely am not going away anytime soon. Love you guys!

12:45 PM

8 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#38)”

      1. We’re driving back! So it shouldn’t be an issue, but I think I’m going to try to get my passport regardless. My birth certificate came in so I may be able to get it in time.

        Liked by 1 person

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