Journal Entry (#37)

April 6, 2018
9:35 AM

I’m tired. So tired. This week has felt forever long, and I’m slacking so much on blogging because honestly, I’m stressed. Work sucks, we keep losing people. Forcing the rest of us to take on more hours and work longer. A1 tried to help me out by taking my shift on Tuesday for me, and then right this morning she told me that I can come in at 12 and she’ll work the morning for me. And then she told me her game got moved to Sunday and asked me to work her shift.

See my dilemma? The one girl who helps me out all the time wants me to take her shift, and I’m like…. I don’t want to. I’ve been looking forward to not going to work on Sunday all week, and that gets taken from me now. What do I have to look forward to? A constant on call for work?

10:16 AM

When your mother comes in your room and talks to you for 40 minutes without caring that you were maybe involved in something else or anything.

Things have just been all over the place lately. Work, like I said, is driving me crazy, and stressed. I’m sick of being there, I practically live there. I’m constantly tired, all I do is work. And for what? Why do I have to work so much when I don’t want to? My schedule is so inconsistent I can’t keep up with it. I have so much I need to get done, but no motivation to get it done.

And to top things off this week, I lied to my mom on Tuesday about going to C’s in the morning. I told her I was working 10:30am-1pm and got busted because her boyfriend had to stop and get a 6 pack. I don’t care so much about that, but she freaked out on me for lying to her. Asked me about my relationship with C, and just blew up in my face over it. And I didn’t have much of an answer for her, because I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m not rushing into a relationship but I like his company, a lot.

Moving past that, she got over it and started asking me about him later on. And I mentioned this one little thing, that he’s half white, half black, and she basically flipped shit on me over it. Told me not to get serious with him. I need to stick with my own race, that we are from two different cultures and he’s just going to cheat on me and not be faithful. That it won’t ever go anywhere, you can’t mix salt and pepper, yada yada yada. He’s half and half, but whatever, right?

Then to top it off, when I told her I was going over to his place Wednesday night, she threatened to disown me and make my life a living hell if I continued seeing him. All of her racist comments just made me so angry. Because nothing that she was saying was even remotely close to the truth. And it cut hard.

That’s what she came in to basically talk about, she apologized for flipping out, she’s in a lot of pain. Her jaw is swollen because she has some kind of tooth infection, or something, and she’s been in a lot of pain lately. I get that. But she’s still in the same thoughts as she just doesn’t want me to be with someone who isn’t white basically. And I just can’t help but feel angry over that because it isn’t her choice, or her life.

But, she basically gave me her blessing to move to Pittsburgh and/or get my own apartment. Because she would rather see me do that and get moved on with my life than to stick around and date a black guy (or half black guy). I don’t know where I’m going with C, but I’m not going to quit what I’m doing with him because she doesn’t approve, this is my choice and he’s the only stress free part of my life right now. I like being around him, and I’m not saying we’re going to fall in love and get married, but I know he’s true and honest with me.

I still have to tell her about the beach trip. But she can’t hold me back from that either. I’m learning how I have more control than I ever knew I did. Things are going to be changing soon. My job, my life, my well being.

Maybe if I was in Pittsburgh, Ray and I would’ve worked out. Sadly, I haven’t heard from him, and I haven’t tried to talk to him. But I do miss him, a lot some nights.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, or where I’m going. I just know if something doesn’t change soon I’m going to go insane. Work especially. The vacation is in May. I think I’m going to quit right before the vacation. I’m just over it. Done. Some days I think it’s fine, but ultimately, I’m getting nowhere in life if I keep up with working here.

I need a steady job, one with benefits for starters. One where I have a set schedule, too. I want to know what days I can plan to have off, and what days I have to work. I want to work at a reasonable time and be off with my day still ahead of me. I don’t want to work all day. Even working until 6 makes it hard to do certain things.

Also, I just figured out how to order my birth certificate online, and something I should’ve done months ago. Cost me $30 and may take a month to get here. 14-20 days just to process. I wanted to be able to get my passport so I could have a valid ID with me on vacation, but I don’t think I’ll get it in time. I have to have my birth certificate to get it. I can still go on the vacation, but bar hopping or buying alcohol would be the issue. PA ID’s are no longer valid outside of the state, because our state sucks and never updated their laws or something. I forget the whole thing, but it’s something dumb like that.

Long story short, I’ve been super stressed lately, and I know I’ve been slacking for awhile now. I’ve fallen so behind, on a lot of things. I’ve been inconsistent, because I just have been struggling. I’m working on it though, and I think things are going to be different once summer comes around. I really think so.

ALSO! I got my Allure beauty box, and I have a couple products left to try before I share my review. Stay tuned!

10:41 AM

4 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#37)”

  1. My family is the same way when it comes to race! They would flip out if I was with someone who wasn’t white. Especially if they were part black. Granted I’m generally only attracted to white men, and some Asian, but there have been some mixed guys that I found attractive. I kissed a mixed boy once and told my mom and she flipped out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s exactly it! It feels like we should be passed this but it’s sad to say it’s still a very real thing. It doesn’t matter if someone treats you better, if they don’t approve of interracial dating then they are very stern about never accepting them. And when you live with them, and they’re your family, it’s hard, very hard to realize that maybe you need to do what makes you happy.

      Liked by 1 person

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