Journal Entry (#35)

March 25, 2018
9:25 AM

Well guys, I got dumped. Thursday after I left work, Ray had sent me a text asking if he could call, there were a few things he wanted to talk to me about. And I knew then. Because I’ve been wanting to talk, too. So he calls me. And he basically said that we were moving at a really slow pace, and he wasn’t attached to me the way he had been hoping to by now. And that his schedule wasn’t going to be improving much once his rotations started, that he might be free some weekends, but basically, it wasn’t going to improve. And I mean, I had been worried about these things for quite awhile.

But it didn’t stop me from getting upset about it, and pretty much crying as I’m on the phone with him, making it hard for me to talk, and there was a lot of awkward silence. I pretty much told him that these were the same things that had been bothering me, and that he could always talk to me. But I didn’t know what else to say, because he didn’t bring it up to work it out with me. He brought it up to end it with me. There was no working it out or figuring it out, he didn’t know how to make it work, and at this point, neither did I.

I’ve basically been on and off emotional the last few days over it. I’m fine, and then I’m not fine when I think about the fact that it’s over and I’m never going to see him again (or most likely not going to). That the last time I was over at his apartment, is the last time I’ll ever be over there. That we won’t go out on dates anymore, I won’t hear from him in the mornings, we just stopped talking.

I had texted him Friday to basically get my own thoughts out there, that I had been feeling similar things and that I was just sad because I really liked him and I’m going to miss him and I wish we had been able to communicate better. And he basically said he was reluctant to bring it up when we were together since we didn’t get to see each other often, and he didn’t want to ruin those times together with this talk. But he was sorry he hadn’t brought it up beforehand. He said he really did enjoy the times we had together, and that he’d miss me, too, which is why he’s going to avoid frequent contact with me from now on.

So, someone who I’ve talked to everyday for the last 10 months is now officially out of my life and it’s a bittersweet feeling. I knew we were going downhill, I saw these red flags. We weren’t talking to each other about the things we needed to, and it’s why I’ve been so afraid about bringing it up with him. I felt the end drawing near. I wanted to see him more often, and it’s too hard to do that with the distance. And we’d been together this long, and I wasn’t in love with him. I deeply care/cared about him, but I wasn’t in love with him. I do agree, we moved too slow and it didn’t feel like it was going anywhere. And I understand his point.

My friends have all been so supportive, and same with my coworkers. It sucks he did this to me right before a big college weekend here, but at least it’s been pretty busy and I haven’t been focusing on the fact that I’m officially single.

Especially, too, because of my relationship with C, and the fact that everyone knows he’s in love with me and we hang out a lot. Alex already brought it up, “how long do you think it’ll take before she starts banging him.” Everyone just kept saying that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. And A1 was very supportive of me going through a ho phase. Which made me laugh. So much.

But I do have a confession. One I’ve kept a secret not just on here but in general. And that’s the fact that C and I have already hooked up. And maybe that’s why I’m not as torn about the situation as I could be. And I’m not even saying that it’s going anywhere, because I don’t know if it is or not. I know he wants something more to happen, but I’m not looking to jump into another relationship so quickly.

I think I mentioned in one of my recent entries about how my friend J and BP are going to the beach down in Alabama sometime in May? I was telling C how much I wanted to go, and that he should go, and I think this may actually be a thing! J and BP are going down for 14 days, which is a tad excessive, so C mentioned catching a plane down there later, and just driving back up with them. I want to go for a week, not two. C said he’d buy my plane ticket, too. Which I said he didn’t have to, but he wants to. I’ve never been to the beach, and after this year, I just really want a vacation. This is a perfect opportunity, and I don’t want to pass it up. I just need to get my passport if I go, because PA is behind the times and my ID isn’t valid outside of the state now. So dumb.

Gulf Shores, Alabama

I’m still working on coming back to blogging more often, and it’s a work in progress. I’ve been all over the place, like I said. Oh, to top off the breakup and the weekend, I also got my period Friday. And my throat is sore again with white spots, I think it’s allergies, but it’s miserable. It’s like one thing after another.

Here’s to a better week?

9:47 AM


14 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#35)”

  1. Like I said before, for better or for worse. In a way, it’s good you were out of something whichwas going to happen eventually some time later. Saved a lot of time and energy. Raising my glass to a single you YAY !

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m sorry to hear that, but I hope you can move on to a healthier and better relationship overall. Someone you can spend more time with frequently and doesn’t make you question things (: a guy you can open up to!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much 💜 and that’s what I’m going to focus on finding. I think I’m all over the place with my emotions right now because I’m not over him yet. It just makes me sad we couldn’t make it work.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh I’m so sorry, Laken. 😦 I’m glad you hooked up with C, I knew it was bound to happen lol. Was it while you were dating Ray or after he broke up with you? I’m sure C is ecstatic about the breakup but I’m sorry you’re hurting. Things happen for a reason and you’ll find your reason soon. 🙂 ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been hooking up with him the last month honestly, and I think it just made my feelings even more confused lol. But I guess it’s also because I knew Ray and I weren’t going to last. I’m still trying to process it and get over it, I’m just sad about not being able to make it work. And I know C really wants a relationship and I’m definitely not ready to just jump into another one so fast either.
      But thanks so much 💜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oooh, Laken, you’re naughty! LOL. It’s okay. I totally understand why you did it and what’s going on through your head. It’ll all fall into place, love. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha it wasn’t intentional, but it started happening. I guess I knew then that my relationship wasn’t working out, I was just in denial. And aww thanks, I hope so 💜

        Like

  4. At least you got some clarity and a closure. It’s easier to figure out what to do now and how to once you realise it’s over. Cheers to happier and less foggy future.

    Liked by 1 person

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