Journal Entry (#33)

March 18, 2018
3:18 PM

I filed my taxes! Finally. Unfortunately, I just decided to go to H&R Block because my mother kept saying I should just go through them so I could file all of my taxes together (including local). At least it was a short appointment, having one job makes it so much easier. And… I got back more money than I thought I would, and broke even on my other taxes. Which is great. Last year I owed money. I’m just glad to finally be done and over with it.

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And, to top it off, I bought a $5 scratch off ticket while I was out. It was a bingo ticket, and I’m pretty sure I just scored $100 off of it, I’ll find out when I take it up to get checked, but that’s the first time in awhile I’ve made that much money off a scratch off. I think things are looking up.

After H&R Block, my mom and I checked out JCPenny’s since we were at the mall. They were having a lot of clearances, but most of it was picked over. I managed to find a pair of jeans for $20 and a nice black shirt, so I treated myself. They’re apparently opening up a Sephora this summer, too. I was worried they were closing, because everything else in our mall is closing down. It’s ridiculous. JCPenny’s is one of the few decent stores we have left, more than half of the mall has closed.

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My mom’s birthday is coming up and I really want to at least get her a few things, especially since last year I didn’t do much at all for her and she got pretty upset about it (despite the fact we had basically stopped celebrating birthdays. I dunno). But her birthday is April 1st (April Fool’s Day, and also Easter this year). So I want to find time in between now and then for us to get our hair cut and to get her a few things. She needs jeans so I was hoping she would’ve found some while we were out, but she didn’t. The place we normally get our hair cut in the mall also closed down, so she’s a bit upset about that. Everywhere is pretty expensive anymore though. I want to get highlights in my hair, too, because I’ve never done anything like that with it and I think it would be a good small change for myself.

So I have a question for you guys, since I’ve never had highlights before. I have dark hair, so would getting partial highlights be better or worse than investing in full highlights? I need to find a good local stylist to actually talk to, but until then, I’d like to hear some suggestions! I need a change in style badly.

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This week feels like it’s been so long, and I feel like it’s because I’ve done more or something? I went out Thursday night over to C’s, and played Mario Kart with his roommate R, and this girl who’s always over there, K. K’s been talking to me a lot lately and wants to hangout and stuff more often, and I’m actually down because I don’t really have that many girlfriends these days. Or like any at all that are able to hangout.

Thursday, I did things I probably should not have done. Taken things I’ve never taken before, and didn’t go over with intentions of taking. But, I kind of said fuck it, and I drank some stuff that was mixed with something I don’t know if I should actually write on here.

But I kept drinking it, because I wasn’t feeling anything. And I drank a lot more than I thought I did. And when I went home at 2 AM, after drinking all of that and 4 beers, it hit me. It hit me hard. And I was wired and couldn’t fall asleep and I had work 10:30 AM to 8:00 PM on Friday. I ran Friday on less than 2 hours of sleep. Never again will I say fuck it when I have work the next day. That was a bad idea on my part. Not something I’d even want to do all the time in general either. I may not be surrounding myself with the best crowd right now, but I’ve also realized that there’s a lot of that going on in the town I live in. Because there’s nothing here, people find other ways to feel alive. I get it, I do. But it is crazy.

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Are you judging me now? I don’t even care that much anymore, I think I’m just doing what I can to get by and handle the situation. And I feel like I’m so stressed, that I’m looking for things to help take the edge of sometimes.

I went out last night with a couple of guys that I haven’t seen as much in a while, J and this guy I met through the guys at work, BP, who I ironically talk to more often than J. BP and I snap everyday, he’s just a chill guy, like one of the most relaxed guys I’ve ever met. It may have to do with the fact he smokes weed everyday, I dunno, he’s just a cool guy. J gets too fucked up on other shit and he gets to be too much after awhile, and he gets upset when people don’t give him shit that he wants, he’s always trying to get me to go out when I don’t feel like it. I usually just ignore him because of it, but he can be really fun to hang out with – until he gets too fucked up.

J was saying how I should go with him and BP on this beach trip in May. It’s in Alabama, and his parents own a beach house on the private beach down there. And there’s this music festival thing going on called The Hangout. Which it all sounds like it would be a blast to go to! But I’m not going to hold my breath, because this is flaky J, and I just don’t want to get hopes up about anything with it. I’ve realized half of my “friends” at work are just talk like that. It’s funny how C is the only one who tries to actually hang out with me on a regular.

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I don’t know anymore. I still have been struggling to confront Ray about my feelings. I think I know why it’s getting hard for me to. I’m afraid. I’m afraid if I bring up how it’s bothering me how unromantic our conversations are, or that I want more, or that I don’t even know if he’s falling in love with me or anything like that, I’m afraid that we’ll realize that it’s just not working out. And I’m not ready for it to be over, I feel like not only have I invested all of this time in it, but I really do care about him and he’s the most serious relationship I’ve ever had. Everyone keeps saying I need to, and I know I need to talk to him, it’s just hard for me. But it’s starting to really bother me, and the red flags just keep popping up. And the distance, I know, makes it so much harder, but how can we keep making this work if we can’t talk to each other? I don’t think we’re on the same page with it anymore, and it’s just time. It really is.

Next weekend is the weekend from hell, the local college’s St. Patty’s celebration weekend, which means college kids everywhere and drinking and being stupid. Plus cops everywhere and just masses of people. It’s ridiculous and dumb, and I just hate it anymore. And being stuck working it just makes it even worse. I’ll be happy when it’s over. Ugh.

Hope everyone had a great week ❤

3:50 PM

13 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#33)”

  1. It would depend on how much you want your hair lightened. You could just get highlights on top to lighten it a bit or you could get them all over for a brighter look. That obviously costs more though.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad you got your taxes done! Justin and I did ours together last month, but my mom still hasn’t done hers haha I’ve never dyed my hair so I don’t think I can give any advice on that- but I can’t wait to see what you decide (:

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! Me, too. Haha I gotcha! It’s getting to be crunch time with them so I’m happy to no longer have to worry about it! And aww thanks! I’m excited to do something new, I’ve never dyed my hair either (:

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Yay! That’s so nice that you didn’t owe anything on your taxes this year!
    I’ve never dyed my hair before so I have no idea what will work for you but I already love your hair color! I do think if you do do it… it’d be better to go all out? So it’s actually worth it & noticeably different, ya know?
    I’m curious as to what you tried at C’s house… but of course, you don’t have to tell me. You know I would never judge you though. ♡ The private beach in Alabama sounds super exciting. Hopefully he’s just not saying it & it really happens!
    Hope you figure things out with Ray soon. I get what you mean about being afraid that it might end but, the talk could also really strengthen your relationship, too.
    Next weekend for you is going to be crazy? I thought this weekend would have been. Hope it’s not too crazy for you!! ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It definitely is! I’m stoked to be getting some money back haha.
      I’ve never dyed my hair either, but highlights are something I’ve wanted to try for awhile! I’m kind of thinking of going all out with it, too, and getting the full coverage. I think I could use a change, I just don’t want it to be overwhelmingly lighter lol, I’m not trying to be blonde 😂
      I tried Molly at his place. He mentioned he wanted me to try it, but he wasn’t pressuring me into doing it, he actually mixed some in with water for himself and I just started drinking it lol. But then he added more and I just kept drinking it. Ahhh it would’ve been better if I could’ve enjoyed it 😂 instead I was plagued with restlessness and the inability to fall asleep before a 9.5 hour shift.
      I really hope I can do the beach thing, but I dunno if I can bank on that yet. I think it would be fun!
      And thank you, I hope so, too. It could have either one of those affects, and I know I’m just prolonging it by not saying anything, but I feel he’s also been busy a lot lately and I don’t want to add to his stress? But I also need to just ask him.
      Nahh because they celebrate the weekend after it wasn’t too crazy for St. Patty’s day. I went to the bar and it did start to get packed after 10, but nothing super crazy. This weekend I wish I could just leave town 😂 there is a possible snowstorm and I’m hoping it hits, it’s always really nice for it. But then they’d all go to the bars… so idk if that’s better lol. Thanks though 💜☺️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t think you’ll be blonde!! Just make sure to tell her that is what you don’t want! That’s so weird. I’ve never heard of anyone mixing molly into water! But yeah… I know the feeling of restlessness and insomnia!!
        Hope you figure things out with Ray. 🙂
        Oh that’s weird that they celebrate the weekend after over there! Lol hope the snow storm hits that you want!! ;D

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      2. I definitely will! I just want something that’s different but not overwhelmingly different lol.
        And ohh really? That’s what C does, it helps you not do so much at once I guess? But then it’s easy to drink too much and then it hits you later.
        Thanks girl 💜
        Haha it’s just the college because everyone is just coming back or still on spring break for the actual st. Patty’s day. So the college made their own weekend of drinking that us townies just absolutely hate 😂 it’s a shit show, it’s not even fun lol. And stupid shit always happens and cops are everywhere.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I hope you like whatever you decide to do. 🙂
        Interesting! I’ve only done Molly twice so I wouldn’t really know lol one time someone put it into a capsule so I swallowed it like a pill and the other time I just put it on my tongue and let it melt.
        Oh I see!! Sounds like Hell! Stay strong lol!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Definitely, dye your hair! I have dark hair and have dip dyed it at home and do reckon it is better to go to a salon to get it done professionally even though it will cost more. But they’re bound to give you good advice. And you may as well go all out and get full highlights, I’m sure it’ll look great as long as its done well 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I definitely want a professional touching my hair because I don’t know what I’m doing lol. And my hair is super thin, I don’t want to fry it 😂 I’ll pay to get my hair done right, I’m willing to splurge a tad this year haha. Thanks so much ☺️💜

      Liked by 1 person

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