March 18, 2018
I filed my taxes! Finally. Unfortunately, I just decided to go to H&R Block because my mother kept saying I should just go through them so I could file all of my taxes together (including local). At least it was a short appointment, having one job makes it so much easier. And… I got back more money than I thought I would, and broke even on my other taxes. Which is great. Last year I owed money. I’m just glad to finally be done and over with it.
And, to top it off, I bought a $5 scratch off ticket while I was out. It was a bingo ticket, and I’m pretty sure I just scored $100 off of it, I’ll find out when I take it up to get checked, but that’s the first time in awhile I’ve made that much money off a scratch off. I think things are looking up.
After H&R Block, my mom and I checked out JCPenny’s since we were at the mall. They were having a lot of clearances, but most of it was picked over. I managed to find a pair of jeans for $20 and a nice black shirt, so I treated myself. They’re apparently opening up a Sephora this summer, too. I was worried they were closing, because everything else in our mall is closing down. It’s ridiculous. JCPenny’s is one of the few decent stores we have left, more than half of the mall has closed.
My mom’s birthday is coming up and I really want to at least get her a few things, especially since last year I didn’t do much at all for her and she got pretty upset about it (despite the fact we had basically stopped celebrating birthdays. I dunno). But her birthday is April 1st (April Fool’s Day, and also Easter this year). So I want to find time in between now and then for us to get our hair cut and to get her a few things. She needs jeans so I was hoping she would’ve found some while we were out, but she didn’t. The place we normally get our hair cut in the mall also closed down, so she’s a bit upset about that. Everywhere is pretty expensive anymore though. I want to get highlights in my hair, too, because I’ve never done anything like that with it and I think it would be a good small change for myself.
So I have a question for you guys, since I’ve never had highlights before. I have dark hair, so would getting partial highlights be better or worse than investing in full highlights? I need to find a good local stylist to actually talk to, but until then, I’d like to hear some suggestions! I need a change in style badly.
This week feels like it’s been so long, and I feel like it’s because I’ve done more or something? I went out Thursday night over to C’s, and played Mario Kart with his roommate R, and this girl who’s always over there, K. K’s been talking to me a lot lately and wants to hangout and stuff more often, and I’m actually down because I don’t really have that many girlfriends these days. Or like any at all that are able to hangout.
Thursday, I did things I probably should not have done. Taken things I’ve never taken before, and didn’t go over with intentions of taking. But, I kind of said fuck it, and I drank some stuff that was mixed with something I don’t know if I should actually write on here.
But I kept drinking it, because I wasn’t feeling anything. And I drank a lot more than I thought I did. And when I went home at 2 AM, after drinking all of that and 4 beers, it hit me. It hit me hard. And I was wired and couldn’t fall asleep and I had work 10:30 AM to 8:00 PM on Friday. I ran Friday on less than 2 hours of sleep. Never again will I say fuck it when I have work the next day. That was a bad idea on my part. Not something I’d even want to do all the time in general either. I may not be surrounding myself with the best crowd right now, but I’ve also realized that there’s a lot of that going on in the town I live in. Because there’s nothing here, people find other ways to feel alive. I get it, I do. But it is crazy.
Are you judging me now? I don’t even care that much anymore, I think I’m just doing what I can to get by and handle the situation. And I feel like I’m so stressed, that I’m looking for things to help take the edge of sometimes.
I went out last night with a couple of guys that I haven’t seen as much in a while, J and this guy I met through the guys at work, BP, who I ironically talk to more often than J. BP and I snap everyday, he’s just a chill guy, like one of the most relaxed guys I’ve ever met. It may have to do with the fact he smokes weed everyday, I dunno, he’s just a cool guy. J gets too fucked up on other shit and he gets to be too much after awhile, and he gets upset when people don’t give him shit that he wants, he’s always trying to get me to go out when I don’t feel like it. I usually just ignore him because of it, but he can be really fun to hang out with – until he gets too fucked up.
J was saying how I should go with him and BP on this beach trip in May. It’s in Alabama, and his parents own a beach house on the private beach down there. And there’s this music festival thing going on called The Hangout. Which it all sounds like it would be a blast to go to! But I’m not going to hold my breath, because this is flaky J, and I just don’t want to get hopes up about anything with it. I’ve realized half of my “friends” at work are just talk like that. It’s funny how C is the only one who tries to actually hang out with me on a regular.
I don’t know anymore. I still have been struggling to confront Ray about my feelings. I think I know why it’s getting hard for me to. I’m afraid. I’m afraid if I bring up how it’s bothering me how unromantic our conversations are, or that I want more, or that I don’t even know if he’s falling in love with me or anything like that, I’m afraid that we’ll realize that it’s just not working out. And I’m not ready for it to be over, I feel like not only have I invested all of this time in it, but I really do care about him and he’s the most serious relationship I’ve ever had. Everyone keeps saying I need to, and I know I need to talk to him, it’s just hard for me. But it’s starting to really bother me, and the red flags just keep popping up. And the distance, I know, makes it so much harder, but how can we keep making this work if we can’t talk to each other? I don’t think we’re on the same page with it anymore, and it’s just time. It really is.
Next weekend is the weekend from hell, the local college’s St. Patty’s celebration weekend, which means college kids everywhere and drinking and being stupid. Plus cops everywhere and just masses of people. It’s ridiculous and dumb, and I just hate it anymore. And being stuck working it just makes it even worse. I’ll be happy when it’s over. Ugh.
Hope everyone had a great week ❤