March 4, 2018
Just when I think I’m in the clear… I’m sick again. This sucks. The weather has been so bipolar lately (it was almost 70 degrees last Tuesday, now it’s back in the 30’s). My throat is really sore, and I have white patches, and it makes me nervous that I’m going to need an antibiotic. Again. When I see Ray on Tuesday. My luck has seriously been the worst lately. I work today and tomorrow, all day, and I dunno if I’ll be able to find time to go to Urgent Care or not. I mean, granted, if it gets worse I’ll have to make time and not go to work. It doesn’t hurt until I start swallowing or talk.
I normally only get sick once a year so this is really shitty. I really do blame it on the weather, because when you have to walk in it you’re just more exposed. Especially on those windy days. I hate it. I don’t know how to dress half the time. I wouldn’t hate winter so much if it would just stay consistent. It can’t be 30 degrees one day and 70 degrees the next. But yet, it is. It’s fucked up. And such a tease when it is so nice out. I’m always stuck at work on those nice days, too.
I’ve accepted that I’m just really stressed these days. My back is full of knots. One of my coworkers was jokingly rubbing my back to kind of calm me down the other day, and he was like, “damn, that’s a tough knot.” And C sort of tried to give me a massage the other night, and he felt first hand how tense I am. I really need those knots worked out, I think it’s half my problem. I’m so stressed and so tense. Even when I’m sleeping I’m stressed – I dream of stress.
I want to move out, but it feels like it’s impossible. My mother has her goals set and it’s basically fuck mine. And I’m not happy about it at all. It’s growing harder and harder for me to stay, and her 2 am curfew (even on my days I don’t work) is getting ridiculous. She called me an alcoholic the other night. I drink too much. A beer or two a night makes me an alcoholic I guess? I’ve been to the bars once in the last month, but sure, I go out way too much? I’m not a child anymore, and these lectures are becoming overbearing. I’m almost 25 and I feel like my twenties are slipping away very quickly, and I’ve barely begun to live my life.
Things have got to change soon.
On the plus side, I got my paycheck from the week I worked all those extra hours – about $100 more than I normally make. Which is awesome! I was excited. Because that money is mine, and most of it is going in my reserve account. I need to find some time to take my change up to the bank, or just slowly switching it out at work. Or something. I have over $110 in change alone now, and I want to put that all in my savings. It’ll put me close to $400 since January 1st.
All I know is, I’m stressed. Being sick sucks. I don’t want to go to work anymore, even though the money is good. I’m just constantly tired, and that may be the sickness talking right now, but I just feel drained. Even when I do get a day off I do nothing. My mother complains we don’t talk but she doesn’t really make the initiative happen either. I do agree we need to talk about things, but I guess I’m avoiding it because I’m going to wind up getting the shitty end anyways. I’ve told her countless times that I want to move out, and it’s like I’m not allowed? If I were to up and leave she would basically disown me. No joke. She told me that once before. I’m just running out of patience. We’re not getting any younger, and when she talks about finding another place, in town, for another year I can see myself dying a little more. I told her I didn’t want to stay another fucking year in this place.
I can’t do it anymore. My future needs to start being made now. My credit is good right now, I’d be able to find a place and a job in the city right away – I know I could. So why do I have to wait until it’s convenient for her? To me, she’s the one who has to make decisions soon, because I’m over this life. I’m so unhappy, I feel so dead on the inside half the time. I’m only happy when I’m not home. I feel like I have little control over the things I wish to do. And the only way for things to change is to step my foot down and say no. I want out.