Journal Entry (#24)

February 11, 2018
11:20 AM

Guys, I’ve been a real slacker lately. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel so unmotivated to do anything. Honestly, I think it has something to do with my period just skipping January. The way my body has been acting the last couple days, I’m thinking I’m going to finally get it soon. Fingers crossed anyways. My period tracker on my phone is saying 15% chance of pregnancy and I really don’t need that kind of negative thinking in my life right now. I really think my body just decided to reset itself from being sick and under stress.

Which I have been stressing. I’ve done nothing about it, but last night my mom started trying to talk to me about how I’m doing nothing to help myself with my portfolio or anything like that. That I work too much at that “bar.” And I’m like…. I need the fucking money. I’m working hard for once to actually put away money to get the things I need so I can finally start to do what I want with my life. Doesn’t she realize that if she got herself a fucking job I wouldn’t have to work as hard? I’d have that extra money saved by now. It’s all fucking tips that I’m saving. And I’m close to $200 now and it’s only month two. I must be doing something right with people, they like me enough to tip me. I average an extra $30 each week in tips. I started tracking it in my bullet journal.

My bullet journal is another thing I started slacking on. I’ve just been so lacking of creativity lately. I’m hoping that next week I can get it back on track, I’m going to create next week’s spread tonight. I wanted to share it eventually, I’ve just been slacking on keeping it updated. I gave myself trackers and I haven’t followed them this week. So I have to base it off of memory. Which is not the point of the tracker.

This upcoming week is also going to suck. I haven’t seen the schedule yet, but I know mostly what my schedule is going to be since A1 has to have four days off. Since her and I are the only day time cashiers, it falls on me when she’s not around, and vice versa. So I’ll be getting tomorrow off (on top of this weekend, so it’s a three day weekend), and then working the rest of the week. I think Tuesday I’ll be working like 1pm-7pm, and the rest of the week should be 10:30am-6:00pm. Unless that’s messed up, too. I’ll be banking in overtime at least. And my kitchen manager said he’d compensate me somehow for working extra hours. Food, beer, something. And I will be getting extra money, so I don’t really want to bitch about it. I want the money. It just pisses my mother off I guess.

Her and I haven’t really talked lately. I just, I want out of here really bad anymore. And we almost got into it about it last night. I bit my tongue. I just can’t stand it anymore. I don’t want to live with her anymore, why does it keep falling on that? When I realize I’ll be 25 this year, I’m already a quarter of my life in, and I’m still dealing with this petty bullshit. When I can’t fucking go out at night because I have a 2 am curfew. And ohh you better believe she’s texting me right at 2 am if I haven’t walked through that door. I’m so sick of being treated like a child. When I make a plan to go hang out, and I come home and she’s upset because she decided to do laundry. And expects me to cancel my plans. It doesn’t work that way, why not do laundry on my days off? Or tell me in advance. Or, I dunno, start doing it before I’m home so I can actually help you fold before I leave? Don’t bitch because I don’t want to be home all the time. I’m so over it.

I confine myself to my room. It’s getting tiring staring at these walls all the time. I feel antsy, like I’m itching to get the hell out of here before it eats me alive. It’s partially winter talking, I don’t like leaving to take walks in the middle of winter – too cold, too icy. So leaving my house at 8 am just for a breather isn’t something I feel like doing. I get stuck just stewing in this room, and it’s not healthy. I have so much I need to say, but I don’t say it to her. It never ends well. I just want to do my own thing. She takes it as me going against her. I feel it’s overdue, it’s been 4 years since my step dad left the picture. I know it’s hard to get yourself on your feet, but damn, you have to start trying. I can’t move forward with her trailing behind me, and I don’t think she’s understanding that right now, she is my obstacle. She is what’s holding me back. I know she’s upset I’m not doing what I want to do, but for fuck’s sake, do you really think I’m happy about the fact it’s been two years since I graduated college and I’m doing NOTHING with my degree. Does she think I’m happy about that? I’m not, and it’s because I’m stuck here.

I have opportunity, I know I could do it on my own. I just need to stop being held back. If she wants me to succeed, she’s going to have to rethink her own priorities, too. I don’t want to live with her. Her goals and mine are two different ones. She wants to move closer to the city, but she wants to be close to my grandma, who still lives like 40 minutes outside of it. I want to be smack in it, where I can actually use public transportation to get me to work. Hell, I could call a fucking uber in the city if I had to. I want this chance now because I won’t when I get older. I may not want kids now, but I do eventually. And I need to start living now while I have the chance to.

It’s like I know this, but I don’t know how to get things moving. I don’t know how to proceed. I don’t know how to change my situation. I just know it has to give soon.

I’m sorry I’ve been such a slack lately! I haven’t even started trying to catch up on your blogs like I wanted to. I am off tomorrow, too, I’m going to at least start trying with a few of you to get caught up. February is turning into a bit of a rough month. Being sick really through everything off.

And I miss Ray. He’s been more distant because he’s been wrapped up in studying and class and work. And it’s just hard. I talk to him everyday, but it feels like we don’t get to really talk… ever. Like personal shit. I hung out with C the other night. And it’s like I know a lot about C and his past relationships. He’s very open about it. About as open as his feelings for me. He still hasn’t changed his phone password, and he told me that I’m the only one that even knows it. That he usually doesn’t let people go through his phone. He has my name saved in his phone as “Laken <3.” And he always messages me back. Like, I know this guy really does have a very real thing for me. He’s not shy about it at all. And I’m probably playing with fire by hanging out with him, especially if it’s just the two of us. But it makes me think that Ray and I should be talking the way C and I have talked. And I wish we could. I like being overly open with the people I’m with. I don’t like hiding shit, I don’t like feeling like I have to hold back or bite my tongue – I shouldn’t have to. But sometimes I do with Ray, and it makes me question what I’m doing. What am I doing? C almost kissed me the other night…

I really care about Ray, but I feel there’s almost this very thin wall between us. And I don’t know if that’s because of the distance that we have, or if it’s just something I’ve done, or the way he is. We’re great together, especially in private, but outside of that area, it’s just we lack that intimacy. And I can see how much Ray likes me when he looks at me, I know it’s real. But we’re lacking something else. And it’s hard to fix it or pinpoint it when you see each other once a month. And I probably won’t even get to see him this month. And it worries me that it’s going to wedge even more distance between us. Like, are we going to make it through this? And I say this more because while I feel confident he’ll be too busy to think otherwise, I don’t know about myself. And that’s what worries me. I overthink, I get dumb thoughts in my head. I’m going to get worried he’ll lose interest. We’ve been together almost 9 months now, and it feels like we should be much further than what we are. We should be saying “I love you’s,” and we just have not done that. So I don’t know. I feel something is missing. And it makes me sad.

11:50 AM

19 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#24)”

  1. I hope you don’t mind me commenting! I reckon you should ease off putting pressure on yourself, and do things for YOU, rather than for your mother. Don’t focus on what she says or let her get to you. And don’t be so hard on yourself for not doing things as quickly as you’d hoped. You’ve got your whole life. You know what you need to do, and start doing it bit by bit. I hope you start to feel better, and things start running smoothly again. I also think you should talk to Ray about how you’re feeling. Distance sucks, but I hope you can be strong and let him know your thoughts and feelings.
    Cue cliché; everything will be OK. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t mind at all!! Thank you for your words. I try to remember that I need to focus on that; but it’s hard, especially with her around. And I know I need to talk to Ray, I just feel like we never have time to talk things out. I don’t know what to do.
      But thank you girly 💜


  2. I like this a lot. It’s raw and real. It at once shows the immaturity of a 24 – 25 yr old still living at home with their parent and the entitled attitude of one who is on the cusp of real adulthood., the compexity of that relationship. It drifts between being honest , and not honest at all with ones self which is also deeply real. It captures the delicate nature of both parties both needing and wanting to move beyond and forward and both parties holding each other back. The reader holds their breath waiting to see which will make the first move and set the other free.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You will. You have found your voice, pure, raw, vulnerable. It exposes the reader to their own raw uncensored emotions. It lacks the facade of what is “right” or expected to reveal a primal truth….that we are…flawed, at times wrong, multi-faceted human beings. That takes courage.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It definitely seems like you’ve got a lot going on! But do remember to take time out for yourself and maybe taking little steps towards doing things you want to do, whether that is moving out. I know it can be very difficult when you’re living with your parents and they’ve got all these expectations of life with you kinda but you just really want to spread your wings! And long distance definitely seems hard but I hope you get to talk and open up to Ray sometime 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I definitely am starting to feel like it lol. And I’m trying to remember that! It’s hard to do some days. And parents really do have certain expectations for you, it makes it hard. I definitely just want to leave lol. And thank you, I hope I can, too

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My dear Laken… do what makes YOU happy, please.
    It really seems like you might like C just as much as he likes you & it seems like you’re only with Ray because you feel you should be. Also… there is no timeframe with love; just because you guys have been dating for 9mo doesn’t exactly mean “I love yous” should be exchanged… your guyses relationship is going to take much more time to grow than a regular relationship because you are long distance.
    If you move your booty out to Pittsburgh nearer to him… I really do think your relationship with Ray would be a lot stronger & you would get more used to being around him erasing your fears to actually talk to him & break down those thin walls.
    I miss chatting with ya, babe! I really hope you start to feel better soon!! 💗 It’s your life; remember that… live it for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m trying to remember that.
      And I’m honestly just confused I think. I have all these feelings and emotions going on. I really do care for Ray though, I really really do. But there is an attraction to C that I can’t really deny either. And true, you’re right. It really is harder with the distance. And even though we talk everyday, it’s not the same as if it were in person. Maybe I just need us to talk more on the phone. Or Skype. But it feels like he rarely has the extra time…
      I really think that, too. I think it would make things a lot easier on both of us. If I saw him more on a regular, maybe he would be more open.
      I miss chatting with you, too! I’ve been all over the place lately, I’m hoping things sort themselves out soon. I’ve been wanting to read your posts and catch up lately, I think I’m starting to overwhelm myself lol. But thank you girl 💜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah… I know you care for Ray! It would be weird if you didn’t lol. Maybe think about this way; would you still have an attraction to C if Ray was nearer to you or is the attraction only there because his attention is?? Yeah you should try to talk to him more… maybe even if it’s just on the phone. He should make some more time for you… you’re his girlfriend!! You deserve some of his time even if he “doesn’t have it”.
        Don’t overwhelm yourself with my posts!! I do too many, I know, lol… 😛 It’s okay that you’re behind. I was nearly 10d behind now I’m at posts that say 2d ago… woo! LOL. Feel free to skip any of my posts–I understand!
        ❤ ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha true, it would be weird if I didn’t. And honestly, I’m not sure. If Ray was nearer to me I wouldn’t take advantage of the attention C gives me, that’s for sure. Because I’d want to spend my time with Ray. If Ray wasn’t in the picture, I would probably give C a chance. Part of it is the attention. And true, I know I need to bring it up because honestly Ray is kind of clueless and he’s terrible at being romantic. I think it’s just how he is lol. And we talked on the phone once when we were apart, and that was months ago. And he was the one who asked if I wanted to talk on the phone. He’s starting to get more free time, he’s gone out with his brother and friends a few times this week. So, it’s not asking a lot for a phone call, right? And you’re right, if anything I’m supposed to be his girlfriend, and we’ve been together almost 9 months.
        Haha true, but I want to! Honestly your posts more than everyone else’s because like I said before, you’re like my blogging sister 😂 I’ll read them all, I may not comment on all of them, but I’ll definitely be reading all of your posts 💜 I finally got my period so my hormones are finally getting back on track and I may actually have inspiration next week lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yeah… he may be clueless but if that’s not what you want in a guy… there a tons of guys out there who are romantic and will shower you with the affection you’re longing for.
        You should tell him that you really enjoyed talking on the phone that one time & was hoping you could do more of that when he has the time?
        You have the right to ask for what you want. ❤ Don’t be afraid!
        Lol, aw, thank you!! ❤ I’m so happy to hear you got your period!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. True, but I dunno, I want to try and work things out with him before I give up. Ray means a lot to me. C is the kind of guy who’s very upfront about his feelings, and I think that’s where I get confused. Because C will tell me things like “I’ll wait for you,” and “you’re the girl of my dreams,” and “I’m in love with you.”
        And that’s true, too, I’ll have to mention it!
        Aww thanks 💜
        Haha you’re welcome! I’m so happy I got it, too. I’m starting to feel like my normal self again haha. Finally


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