Journal Entry (#18)

January 21, 2018
9:23 AM

I can tell my period is right around the corner. Or maybe I’m just super aware of it this month since I really need it to come earlier than later? My emotions have been all over the place, I’ve felt like doing nothing – or maybe that’s just the cold zapping my energy?

Via Unsplash

Last night work was going well, all the way up until the moment I was trying to leave after 8:00 (when I was scheduled until), and then one of the cooks said he needed leaf lettuce (again), so I went to grab some, realized we didn’t have anymore. So my manager tells me to go get some more, and in my year and a half since I’ve been there, I’ve never had to do it or been shown how to do it. Also, I had just ordered food and my food was ready, I was famished (I haven’t been eating much lately, it’s not good), so I was pretty hangry at this point. You read that right. And feeling light headed. So I went to the back, wound up grabbing cabbage instead of leaf lettuce, felt like an idiot, took those back and grabbed the right stuff.

Via Unsplash

And then, he tells me to cut the ends off and stick it in a bucket of water and then it needs washed and there was so much going on, all I wanted to do was leave, and I had no idea what I was really doing – nobody had ever showed me – so yeah, it was a super easy task, but don’t fucking teach me shit when I’m about to leave and it’s a dinner rush out there. All I wanted was my burger that I ordered. And then I was mad at myself for getting so upset over something so dumb – hormones. My manager was like, “you may be scheduled until 8 but when we’re busy you stay,” but he let me leave. I get that, but if the fucking schedule says 8, then you cannot bitch when you did not ask me to stay. Then when I left and finally got home, it annoyed me that I had asked for chips instead of fries, because I walk so fries get soggy really fast, so what did they give me? Fries. I wrote it on the ticket and told them… I was just annoyed. But the burger was good so I guess that’s all that matters.

To top it off, Ray was hanging out with friends and hardly texting me. And I almost hung out with C last night, but he got stuck at work later and didn’t message me until after 10:30. At that point I was just wiped, and feeling depressed and just didn’t want to go out. I may hang out with him tonight. I dunno. My feelings have been all over the place, and I know what it is – I get the attention from C that Ray hasn’t really been showing me. And I’m trying to get Ray to mix things up – I did 20 questions with him the other night. But he took awhile to text back (which is fine, it’s how he usually is), and we never made it to 20. I was hoping he’d bring it up again, but he hasn’t. I just want him to get more personal with me. Our texts revolve around us asking each other how our days are. And it’s honestly getting bland, sometimes I wish he’d just throw out there that he misses me or how he’s looking forward to seeing me. But he doesn’t really do that sort of thing. And I crave that. So when C messages me and he says things like, “I’d be so happy if I woke up next to you, you’re so beautiful,” I wish it was Ray saying that. And no, I don’t tell C anything to indicate that I’m reciprocating, because I’m not. But he just says shit like that a lot nowadays.

Via Unsplash

Ray’s just not that kind of guy I guess, and it does suck because everything else about us is great. We have a lot of fun together, we’re great. But approaching 8 months I’m starting to wonder about our future, and I just don’t know anymore. Winter also depresses me, and I think I’m scared if I show him that moody side to me he’s not going to want to deal with it. But if he wants to know me, he should, right? Distance really is hard. Communication is everything, and I’m feeling it falling on me to bring it up, and I guess I wish he would just be the one to bring it up for once. Maybe it just isn’t a big deal to him. I really want to talk with him when I see him this upcoming weekend, I just don’t know how to bring it up, and I can feel my stomach dropping at the idea of approaching him. Again, I’m scared of losing him, which is why I let things slide. There’s this irrational fear there, because I’m not used to being in a relationship. But I want this to work out.

9:40 AM

January Writing Challenge #21

12 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#18)”

  1. I know it’s scary, but you should tell him these things. Let him know how you’re feeling and what you want! If he doesn’t understand that or it pushes him away- then I hate to say it, but he’s not worth it. Being in a relationship where everything is so mutual, I can tell you firsthand that you deserve to feel wanted and appreciated (: don’t let yourself settle for anything less

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for that. And it is scary but you’re right I really do. And I know that’s the truth of it. It’s just hard when you’re afraid to lose someone, and I realize that’s why I’m holding back. Thanks again 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That does suck that Ray doesn’t tell you he misses you or can’t wait to see you and it’s extremely annoying that he takes so long to text back…he should want to talk to you as much as he can since he rarely sees you! Do you ever tell him you miss him? It’s such a difficult situation esp now that C is in the picture.
    They’re both two totally different types of guys but I just know that they both really do like you! It’s up to you who you want. Don’t stick with Ray because it seems like the right path but I do think he’s worth it!!! Follow your heart. 💗
    Also, your manager is rude lol but I’m PMS-ing now too so I assume you def are, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does suck, I mean I know he does. And when I mention it about him seeing me this weekend he replies back that he does want to see me and stuff. But it’s like I have to pull it out of him, which is where I’m starting to find my issue at. It’s hard because I only see him once a month and it makes me wonder, you know? I tell him I miss him often, sometimes he doesn’t say it back, other times he says he misses me, too.
      They really are completely different guys! I’m in a mix because of my emotions, and it’s like C is giving me the attention that Ray should be giving me, and I guess it’s just getting to me. I don’t want to be that girl though, that’s the last thing I want. I just want to make things better.
      Haha he is rude at times, but I really was just having a terrible night!

      And then today I get cornered before C shows up to work to ask if I’m okay with things and that I don’t feel like I’m being harassed in any way at work by anyone (meaning C). Because another coworker is annoyed how C constantly finds a way to get close to me or touch me in some way at work lol. I was like it doesn’t bother me but it probably should?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s weird that Ray doesn’t say he misses you back every time. He seems kind of boring??
        If you’re falling for C…maybe you should let Ray know. Who cares if C is in a “dead-end” job. He has his own place at least and if you like him, really, who cares? My bf works at Red Robin and has never went to college. I wouldn’t trade him for anyone at all.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ray can be kind of boring honestly lol. But he talks so much in person! Just not really personal stuff I guess. I dunno.
        I don’t know really how I feel for C, I don’t want to wreck my relationship, I really don’t. There are things that do worry me if I did go with him, and I’ve been trying to get out of here for so long it’s like I keep getting tied back to this town. And awww! It’s fine if you don’t go to college. There’s more than just his job I’d be considering. I don’t need to get involved with a coworker either

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