Journal Entry (#17)

January 17, 2018
10:44 AM

My 17th journal entry on the 17th? Too bad it’s not 2017. Ha, I’m funny. Anyways, I’m off work today and tomorrow, and it was so nice sleeping in today. Until my phone went off at 9:30 because my best friend was calling me. I debated answering it but didn’t want to not answer so her and I talked for a half hour. She’s going through a rough period right now, especially with idiot guys, and we only get so much time to talk. It sucks living in different states. She keeps saying she wants me to just move in with her and we’d figure it out. Which would be so fun! But right now, just not really where I’m heading. It’d take me in the opposite direction of Ray, and the distance is rough enough being an hour away.

Via Unsplash

Speaking of him, though, I will get to see him next weekend. Only been counting down the days to bring me closer to him. My period tracker says my period should be here on the 25th, and I’m seeing him the following night. I’ve been hoping for it to come early. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I don’t want to start it when I’m seeing him, I’d rather be ending it. He told me before it’s not a big deal to him, which is great because I know it’s not an issue, but I just would prefer not having to deal with it. For almost 8 months, I’ve avoided seeing him on it (or when I did it was the last day of it), I guess it’s bound to happen eventually. I know it’s coming soon, though, my feelings have been all out of whack, and part of it last week was working 10 days straight in a row. The other part is I just get super irritated right before my period. There is a slight chance my body may bring it early. Even just a few days early would be great. I asked for it for Christmas last month, and I got it Christmas day, making sure it was gone by New Year’s when I saw Ray. Maybe my body listens to me sometimes?

Shots at 2 AM are the best? I’m so sick of snow, though.

I really have been out of sorts lately. There’s so much I want to do, no energy for it. Just work work work. Then my days off are mostly monopolized by my mother. Like these ones, she asked for me not to go out so we could spend time together. And I get it, I’ve done nothing but blow her off lately because I just want to do my own thing or go out. But I see her everyday and sometimes I just don’t want to talk. I wouldn’t mind watching a movie or show together, if she didn’t ask 3,000 questions that have not even been answered yet and I know as much as she does. Seriously, my mother is that kind of movie watcher. And then she freaks out over little things in movies, like spiders, or fake gore. I’ll sit there, like, are you kidding me right now? It’s so fake! She can’t eat and have something like that on either, or if someone throws up in the movie. Every little thing she has to comment on, it’s why I prefer to watch movies in peace. But I do need to still spend time with her.

Monday, I was able to leave work around 4, 4:30, because A wanted to take my last two hours – she really wants the hours. I wasn’t complaining. C had been wanting me to come over, and I’d been telling him I’d kick his ass at Mario Kart. So later that day, I went over. It was cold and slippy out, and that was the first time going to his place, and I got semi lost at first, and then found it. He had company over, so it wasn’t too bad. He bought me beer. Like beer I told him I tried and liked, and he bought it for me to drink (Southern Tier Raspberry White, 4.6%). Plus another 6 pack of Wild Blue, which is 8%. Apparently he’d been drinking since 4 because I actually showed up later than I intended to. I wanted to get there around 6, I got there close to 8 because my mother was just up my ass.

Anyways, we were drinking, and I played a few games of Mario Kart. Lost a couple, but also won a few. So much shit was being said. I actually played better when I stayed quiet. It was pretty competitive. Eventually, I started to get a little drunk. And later on, J came over. He used to work at our place, before quitting. I don’t even know if I wrote about it, but a few weeks ago, after the Christmas Party fake news, he called me at like 3 am and left me this hilarious voicemail about how he heard Ray and I weren’t doing too well, and that I should rearrange that R to a J. I saved it because he was so drunk and it was just fucking hilarious. He doesn’t remember doing that. Actually, he used to get a lot of concussions from playing football, something along those lines, and he gets really fucked up after a few drinks. Naturally, he drinks all the time and then some, and he doesn’t remember majority of what he does.

The picture may be blurry, but I was Cat Peach and I still won. That’s all that matters.

But he came over later on, was surprised to see me over. But he, C and I played a few rounds of Mario Kart. C’s other company had gotten their hands on some other stuff, and were passing that around. I was definitely feeling good that night, but it got weird the more time went on. And then C’s roommate, R, was telling me he’d give me money if I punched C in the face (I don’t really know why I’m always attacking this guy), but I kept trying to do that because he was offering me like $20. At some point, I got C’s phone, because I wanted to delete all of these terrible photos he took of me that night – like there’s a lot of ugly pictures of me on his phone from him randomly snapping his camera and me not being ready or prepared for the  camera. So I grabbed his phone, learned that his passcode is his birthday, and as soon as I got in his phone and went to start deleting those photos, I clicked on a photo I really should not have – I really didn’t even mean to! And he was like freaking out, and I was like, thinking to myself, why do you even have that saved of yourself? But I stopped trying to look at his phone after that because I didn’t want to find anymore of those photos.

Via Unsplash

Then at some point, he learned how ticklish I am and like I said, R offered me money to knock him one in the face, so to like stop me from doing that, he started like holding me back and tickling me. And I hate myself because I get really hyper and freak out when it happens, and I squeal like a dog. It’s like a switch that causes me to make weird noises. And J was like, “what the fuck?” and I kept trying to get away, and C kept like doing that. And I fell onto the floor at one point. I don’t know. It got real weird, real fast. And at that point I was like, “I think I should probably go home.” J told me to never make those sounds again.

I think I need to back off a bit from C. Things are getting a little too weird, and I don’t just mean that night. Something is going to happen if I don’t tell him to back off a bit. And I really don’t want it getting in the middle of my relationship with Ray. Like I want to hang out and be friends, but I can see how much C really likes me, and it’s not fair to him either. Our conversations have started becoming really personal, and all it makes me think is that I should be having these types of conversations with Ray, not C. Why don’t Ray and I ever get into these types of talks? Is it me? Or is it him?

Via Unsplash

I like getting personal, I want to know more. I feel that’s part of my issue right now, because I’m not getting that from him. I feel Ray and I’s conversations have been kind of bland lately, and we need some spice. And I don’t think he’s good at that. And I don’t know how to get things more interesting. But I want to figure it out. I just wish Ray would be more into initiating things over conversation. Especially with the distance. It was fine before, but I’m wanting more.

On a side note, I caught up with Once Upon A Time on Netflix. Season 7 is airing right now, but I feel they could’ve ended it with season 6. I’m watching the newest season of Black Mirror now. My Birchbox came yesterday, and I may try to make a post about it coming up. The funny part is, my ipsy bag shipped before Birchbox, but it still hasn’t arrived yet. The tracker says it should’ve been here around the 13th, but last month it did that and it was over a week later I received it. Who knows? My yoga mat should be arriving over the next couple days as well. I’m excited to get that started, and I’ve been trying to get my bullet journal set up as well.

I’ve been using these boxes to actually organize my makeup. It works for now.

I think it’s time to end this long journal entry and get my day started.

11:20 AM

January Writing Challenge #17

10 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#17)”

    1. I’m definitely not trying to look somewhere else, I think I’m just feeling confused. Boundaries are going to have to be set though. I’m not risking anything, I’m focusing on Ray, even started doing 20 questions with him and it actually is going great. And I think I just need to get him to open up more. I know what my issue is now.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Your blog is great. And it’s so nice how you post your journal entries and stuff. Though I’m not supposed to pry, maybe you should tell Ray what you want. I mean, a relationship goes both ways. Sorry if I overstepped my bounds, just a thought.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks so much! And nah you’re fine. I do plan on telling him what I want, I think I’ve been waiting for him to say something and he just hasn’t. Baby steps, but I see him next weekend and want to try to then

      Liked by 1 person

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