Journal Entry (#16)

January 14, 2018
11:56 AM

I went out last night. It was a friends’ birthday, and I haven’t seen him in awhile. My mom decided for us to do cleaning around 8pm, then got mad when I was leaving around 9, 9:30. I got halfway to the bar, and realized I left my cash on my dresser, so I had to rush back, grab my cash, and head back out again. And it was cold, and the sidewalks were slippy with ice. So by the time I got to the bar, it was pushing 10pm.

Via Unsplash

It also sucked, because my best friend called me right as I was leaving again, and my phone shut off when I got close to the bar because it was too cold. Iphones are finicky like that. When I finally got it to turn back on inside, it was at 10% and I had to ask them to charge it for me. Perks of going to the bar you work at and know everyone. Everyone kept asking me why I was out, because they know I don’t really talk to people outside of work.

I met up with my friend finally, and drank and talked. It was nice, I haven’t really hung out with him in almost a year, but we do talk often. Eventually, his crew was leaving to go to a different bar, and I decided to stick around where I felt comfortable at. The bar they were going at is usually loud and noisy and I only know their liquor choices, and I try to avoid liquor when I’m out these days. It hits me too hard.

Beer #3 – Bittersweet Imperial Coffee Milk Stout (Left Hand Brewing Company)

I really can’t say much though, I had three beers last night and was throwing up before I left. I think my boss buying us jagerbombs did me in – he’s like obsessed with giving us jagerbombs. Plus my last beer was an imperial stout with a whopping 9% alcohol, so that didn’t help. On the plus side, since Alex was there, and he drinks for free, O put my first two drinks on his tab so I only wound up paying for one drink – at half off with my discount. Why would I go to other bars? Better beer and people where I work. Plus it doesn’t get sticky and overcrowded like those other places.

So for the rest of the night I just hung out up at the bar sitting with Alex and a few others. Eventually, he went home and I just kind of hung out and drank. After 12, C got off work and came to hang out. I was already drunk at this point. Ray’s in Tennessee this weekend, and he also went out last night, so after awhile he told me his phone might die and goodnight (we’ve told each other good morning and good night everyday for the last 7 months).

Via Unsplash

Anyways, C came over and hung out. I’ve been telling him all week that I’m going to beat him at Mario Kart again, but unfortunately I was too drunk at this point. Ever since C openly admitted his feelings for me, he just doesn’t care about what he says anymore. Work gets slightly awkward, but it’s more because I make it awkward. What’s worse is he’s really sweet – like really sweet. And he’s not trying to butt into my relationship either, he just says he’ll wait. But it doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful or that I should move in with him. Or buying me coffee the other day.

Did I mention that I actually met C once like 6 years ago? I don’t remember, but when I was writing up those past journal entries the other day (here) I came across an old entry from one of my other journals, where I actually mentioned him. Because my friend Lauren and I were going to go cosmic bowling with C and his brother, and apparently she had me meet him beforehand – I don’t remember that meeting. But I do remember cosmic bowling. Lauren told me that C had a thing for her, but he keeps saying he never did, not like that. And now he’s saying he actually had a thing for me. Those were my innocent days, I was so shy and quiet. I was 18.


Be right back, my mother texted me to let the dog out and feed him. Her boyfriend has the day off, usually he does it. Annoying.


Via Unsplash

Anyways, C and I met once 6 years ago. And I found that entry where I actually mentioned him. He asked me if I had anymore about him, and I told him I guess he didn’t leave that much of an impression. Honestly, I don’t remember much. I didn’t write for like 6 months either. I do remember it was a fun night when we did go bowling, and C and his brother were like raving about how I was throwing the bowling ball because it curved every time. My score was like 60 though, I suck at bowling. I still suck at bowling. I just remember C paid for us, and I was getting everything paid for that week somehow.

I have zero intentions of ruining my relationship for C. I’m crazy about Ray, I finally broke down and asked him what he saw me as. And he admitted he sees me as a girlfriend, and he apologized for not making that clearer sooner. So, I think that makes him my first official boyfriend, and my longest relationship. I’m not going to jeopardize that. He makes me happy, he’s already where I want to be. He’s ambitious, he has a bright future ahead.

<3<3

But I’m not going to lie, if Ray wasn’t in the picture, I would give C a shot. I may have a little crush on him, but that’s all it is and all I’m letting it be. Because, like I said, I don’t want to ruin my relationship at all. So C and I are friends, and that’s it. He may actively flirt with me, I don’t flirt back. Every time he comes into work O is like “Laken, try to not smile at C,” and I smile every time. I hate myself.

I think it happens because I don’t get to see Ray all the time. Long distance can be hard, I see him once a month for a couple of days. So while we text everyday, it’s not the same as seeing someone everyday. I see C almost everyday. Like I said, I’m not ruining my relationship for him, I would never do that. I’m a one person kind of girl, and Ray is my focus, he’s everything right now. He’s my official boyfriend (finally), even if we haven’t made it official on Facebook yet.

Via Unsplash

I guess I just wish sometimes he was a little more forward with being cheesy and saying sweet things. He’s as awkward as I am, I’m learning. C keeps saying these sweet things, and there are times I’m wishing Ray would be more forward about those things, it’s why I get unsure sometimes. I can see it in his actions, but not so much through his words. If I say I miss him, he’ll say it back. Or if I say I really like him. But he doesn’t say things like, “it makes me so happy waking up next to you.” Or openly flirt. I like flirting, I like being cheesy, I like feeling romantic. I need to find a way to get Ray more open, because sometimes I just need that. I feel we’d be more open with each other, too. Sometimes he’ll compliment me, or tell me I look great the way I am. I dunno, I’m overthinking again.

On the plus side, I’ve been drinking a lot of water, and woke up at 7:30 and took some ibuprofen. Hangover is not here, thank God. I’ll just be tired all day. At least I’m off.

12:43 PM

January Writing Challenge #14

6 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#16)”

  1. Aww yayay! I am happy that you finally asked him about it. Ray does seem like a little awkward. He probably does think all of the romantic sweet things but doesn’t know how to say them.
    As I was reading this, I started thinking you may have a crush on C even before you said it lol. It’s ok though. Crushes happen!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me, too ☺️ he definitely is awkward haha. I don’t think romance is his strong suit, but he’s still adorable. I just need to find a way to bring it out of him a bit more I think. And thanks for understanding haha. It’s like the last thing I wanted to happen but it’s there.

      Liked by 1 person

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