Past Journal Entries (2)

Last month, I made a post filled with some of my past journal entries (here). It was impossible to do them all in one post, and even still, I didn’t write the entire entries on here. Inspired to post some more personal items of my past, here is part two.

Friday, November 5th, 2010
9:07 PM

Dear Journal,
Well, this is my first entry in my going-to-be journal. I’m sitting in my room watching Degrassi. Noor wants me to go to the Art Institute of Pittsburgh tomorrow morning. I wanna go. The thing is, she mentioned it to me on Monday and now it’s Friday night and I still haven’t asked yet. I hate that about me, putting things off because I’m afraid of bothering people. I still haven’t asked yet because I know mom, and she’s probably going to say no because of how late I’ll be asking. Anyways, I was talking to Lauren at lunch yesterday, I guess Erik thinks I’m a lesbian? I’m not, ha, and I wound up bringing Mike up and she told me that he still likes me. I was like really? And she said yeah. I guess he feels really bad about what he did but is afraid to talk to me? The thing is, I wouldn’t mind talking to him again if he’d man up and apologize to me directly instead of through Lauren. I won’t lie, it did hurt how he stopped talking to me for no reason. The first week was the best experience I had with a guy. The first night we stayed up until 4 AM just talking (texting). I was starting to really like him. Jerk, ha…..”

December 12, 2010
9:27 PM

Well it’s been a couple of weeks since I actually wrote in here. I’ve been wrapped up in working on my art project. It’s taken me forever but it’s finally starting to look like something. I think that once I darken my values it’s just going to pop out and Mariah’s going to look like she does in my picture I have and am using. There’s…. so much I wanna write, no idea what to talk about. I just… for one thing, I’m wondering if it’s worth it. Liking Ben (not that I can help it). I never get to talk to him anymore… I don’t even know how he sees me. I’m sure I’ll say more on another day. I just felt like writing something.
9:47 PM

[My art project was a words in a picture one. We used a light table and an outline of words to darken the shape out of words. We had to pick an artist and lyrics to a song, or a character from a movie and a quote. I picked Mariah Carey and used the words to “Vision of Love.”]

My Goals for 2011
  • Graduate!
  • Go to Prom!
  • Pick a college + get accepted
  • Get a boyfriend! (Forget about Ben!)
  • Go to the Senior Art Show
  • Get a job
  • Be more involved in my family
  • Get my permit / take Drivers Ed / Get my license
  • Meet new people
  • Get out more! Be more involved
  • Get a new phone!
  • Help mom get on her feet!
  • See the musical
  • Volunteer for something
  • Get straight A’s for a quarter
  • Get straight A’s in English (no final!)

[More than half of these never got accomplished. Obviously, my license still has not been gotten yet, 7 years later.]

January 11, 2011
10:25 PM

Today was a good day. Yesterday, too, in fact. I love tech (: I have all of my work done, so yesterday I asked if I could help with anything and so I went with Mr. K, Jimmy, and Pierce over to DMT. The funny part was… we didn’t really do much haha. Pierce, Jimmy, and I just talked to Ben for the most part. Yesterday, I realized that even though I’m over Ben, liking him that way at least, I’m still happy we’re friends (: We can still talk, hug, still be apart of his life without expecting anything from him. I think I kinda like Pierce now… haha. I mean he’s a nice guy (: we’ve been talking more lately and it’s nice. He has a twin, Hunter, haha. I don’t know him though. I can always tell Pierce because he acknowledges me. He’ll catch my eye sometimes, too. It’s sweet (: Anyways, more some other day!
10:35 PM

January 28, 2011
7:03 PM

Half day today. Guess it’s not much surprise I didn’t do anything. The new semester started on Wednesday. My schedule goes Art – 1st, Government – 2nd, English is still 3rd, Gym – 4th, and Study Hall – 5th so I eat second lunch. Government might be difficult, interesting at least with Mrs. G. Alli sits in front of me, Katie next to her, and Jordan sits next to me. At least he still talks to me. Oh and in art Noor’s in it (: even if she’s only in Art II. Gym… is going to be interesting. Lauren and Noor are in it (the first time all 3 of us had together ever) which is great! (: And also… you know… Ben is also in it along with the same teacher. Of all classes, we have the most embarrassing class together haha. Maybe we’ll get to talk more now, though (: I mean, he did walk with me to class today. He saw me, smiled, kept walking, then stopped, turned and waited for me. It was nice (: cuz we talked on the way there. Before I know I was saying I kinda liked Pierce … but he’s in a relationship now. No sense trying to start anything. And Ben…every time I think I’m over him…he shows up again. EVERY TIME!
7:16 PM

[I forgot how obsessed I really was over Ben. I liked this weird obnoxious kid for over a year.]

August 7th, 2011
2:34 AM

I hate hearing them fight. Nothing ever goes right anymore. I don’t know what to do half the time. I know what I want, but… nothing’s working out. This summer has just flown by and what do I have to remember it by? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. All I do is watch dramas. I wanted to do so much these few months. Not that it’s all my fault. I drifted apart during June, I didn’t keep in touch, and when I tried – they didn’t text me back. So I’ve drifted into this social introvert. I have nobody I really even talk to. People telling me, “Oh we have to hang out this summer.” Only to ignore my texts and never bring it up with me. And Jess .. telling me to text her but she always ignores my texts. So what’s the point? In fact, she deleted her status on Facebook that I commented on. Guess I’m not good enough to be friends with her. Whatever. I don’t need her, I don’t need Nikki. Nikki had a lot of chances… but I’m sick of people using me for venting. She never asked me about my life. I flat out told her when I had a sucky day – she would say, “that sucks” and continue on about herself. I’m done….

August 18, 2011

What am I even doing anymore…? My birthday’s in one week… summer’s almost over. What happened to all of those plans? Why can’t I just speak up? Why do I act like this? I’m so ashamed of what I’ve turned into… And why don’t they do more!? Take my stuff away then give it back telling me to do what I’m supposed to… but no push! Nobody says “how about I take you to go for your permit” and I have brought it up! But the plans get cancelled and I sit around feeling lost. Nobody texts me anymore… What I need is a friend … but they’re never around when I need them. I hate myself for being like this. It makes me sick how I wasted this summer. That’s not how I should be living my life! Kpop/Jpop and my dramas will still be in my life… but I feel like I’m suffocating right now and it’s a scary feeling. Mom doesn’t seem to understand how badly I want out – how bad I wish she’d be a little more helpful. I love her dearly – I couldn’t ask for a greater mom, but I know she must be just as lost and confused as me. She doesn’t know how to change either. I’m afraid… but if I don’t get out soon I dunno what I’ll do. There’s so much more to life than this. I’m almost 18! I need to experience life while I can. Before I can talk about going to any free concert in New York, I gotta get on my feet. There only person I can depend on is me.. I need motivation. I need change. The more I sit around the more days that pass me by. Hours, minutes, seconds… all over in a blink of an eye. Sometimes I do wish somebody would just fall into my life and whisk me away like in a drama. But there’s a reason it’s called a drama – these things don’t happen in real life. I want love and friendship… but I’ve done nothing to earn it. It’s selfish of me to wish for more while I’m in this state…
5:17 AM

I stayed in one journal this time, it’s a blue notebook I used my last year in high school. I have gold wrappers from 5 gum stuck on the front of it. Throughout it I have so many quotes from books and dramas – just ones I loved. It’s funny how different things can be in 6- 7 years. There are so many entries I have, depending, I may make another post on this subject.

January Writing Challenge #12

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