When in doubt, I tell myself a lot of bullshit. I hate doubting myself, or second guessing myself. Most of the time, I’m so sure of myself, I have that kind of confidence. But then, someone will say something to make me doubt myself, and it sends me reeling, wondering if I was right, or did I just imagine it all wrong.
Such as the made up incident at the Christmas Party. C made up a story that I kissed him at the party because I was that drunk. But playing it back over and over, and knowing I texted Ray all that night, I knew it couldn’t be true. But yet, there was that sliver of doubt because all of the guys were in on this joke, and they were saying it happened. Finally, I found out the truth that it really didn’t happen – I knew it didn’t – and it erased any of that doubt I was starting to have.
Doubt is a funny thing, and when it sneaks up on you like that, it just has you questioning everything. Like I said, I’m normally sure of myself and I know that more times than not, I’m usually right. But, when that doubt creeps in, and I second guess myself, I’m usually wrong to do that.
When I start doubting myself, it partially depends on the situation. This past situation, I played the night back over and over in my head. There were parts that were true about C’s story: I paid for my food and he was upset he was too late to stop me from buying it, he gave me $5. If someone is just going to hand me cash I’m not going to say no. I found the $5 in my purse, and I do vaguely remember it. I also slapped him that night. For the life of me, I don’t really know why I slapped him, and he says he has no idea why either. But I slapped him. And then Alex told me to slap him and I slapped him. That much I very clearly remembered for obvious reasons. But the end of the night was blurry. Despite that, I know me, and I knew I wouldn’t have kissed C without feeling extremely guilty. I was texting Ray all night.
Doubt will make you think it happened, and it’ll just creep there and lay in your mind, haunting you. Making you question everything.
I’ll tell myself that I know how to handle a situation. There can be a lot of doubt in relationships, and I have had doubt in my current one. But the funny thing is, it wasn’t about Ray cheating on me, it was about him getting bored with me. Doubt will play on those emotions, and make you think the worst. All it takes is for that one person to be like, “Well, he lives an hour away from you, and you see him once a month. I know guys, I’m one, and we suck. He’s probably fucking other girls.” or, “If he doesn’t make it official, it’s not real.” And when multiple people start saying it, it makes you question what you have – your reality.
Here’s the thing: Only you know your situation to it’s fullest extent. People can say all the shit that they want, it’s up to you how you handle their opinion. It’s not facts, and yes, most of the time they are being real, but not every situation is the same. I can easily say that I see their point with my relationship, but it’s different. And no, I don’t have anything solid to base it off of, it’s simply just on the little things that keep adding up. The fact Ray and I text everyday, and have since the day we met. It’s the fact that Ray drives anywhere from an hour to three hours (depending on traffic) to come up and get me, and then go straight back with me in tow. Nobody would do that unless they really liked someone. It’s the way he treats me in front of his friends. It’s the way he looks at me. And most of all, it’s the vibe that I get from him. People don’t see the whole picture, they only hear the little details you repeat to them. Doubt will blow it out of proportion, and while there’s no stopping it, you can detain it by accepting your truths.
If a situation has you doubting it every time, then maybe your doubt has some reason behind it. Learn to trust your instincts. Doubt sucks, and most times it’s falsified, and we are just over thinking a situation and blowing it out of proportion. Not all, but most times.
When in doubt, I tell myself that I know what’s best for me, and what I can handle. Most of all, I know the truth, and that’s the only thing that matters. Remember, doubt is temporary, and it only affects things if you let it.
Stop doubting yourself for one, you know you better than anyone else. You also know what you can handle better than anyone else can. And yes, sometimes you can’t win that person over that you’ve been hoping you can. Rejection is a thing, but it doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of being loved. There is someone out there who will appreciate who you are. And when you do find someone, don’t think you’re not worthy enough of being with them. Because you are. And people may throw doubt your way, but you know in your heart what the truth is. We focus so much on the bad, especially if we’re used to that. It makes it hard to appreciate the good when it lands in your life. Just know, you are worth it, and there is no reason to doubt that.
January Writing Challenge #11