January 7, 2018
It’s been so. fricking. cold. I can’t stand it. But, it is slightly warmer today, at a whopping -3 degrees right now – with no windchill to make it colder. By the end of the day it’s supposed to get in the 20’s, and next week is supposed to be up in the 30’s, 40’s and even 50’s. Talk about a heatwave after this frigid cold. Better get my shorts ready. Just kidding, I’m still going to be cold. But I am stoked. Let’s keep the frigid temperatures away for the rest of winter, please. I’m sick of wearing so many layers just to walk to work.
In other news, too, I’m looking at a 10 day work stretch, and I’m only on day 5. BUT! I’m getting next weekend off and I didn’t ask for it off. I think he’s finally going to start giving me weekends off again, like he’s been saying for awhile. Oh I so hope so. We have plenty of cashiers right now, and one is coming back from break in a couple of weeks. I’m training another one next week (well, she’s been working for us, just one day a week, and this is her last chance to really pick up on things. Which means it’s falling on me to really train her well. Ugh).
The problem with this 10 day work stretch mixed in with these cold days is all I feel like doing is nothing at all. And the past few nights I’ve come home from work, ate, and popped open a beer and just watched Netflix. I’m not bored with Once Upon A Time, but I am bored with this regular thing I’ve started. It’s just so…. blank. I feel so unproductive. I need to start up a hobby. Maybe with the weather getting a little better I’ll feel more up to doing something. I need to clean up around my room, I’ve been saying that the last month or so. I posted those sketchbook photos yesterday (here), and everyone’s comments were so sweet, it made me want to get myself back into drawing. I’ve missed painting, too. I may try to dabble more in it once again.
Once the weather warms up, too, I want to take a walk up to the library, too, and look for a good book to read. I’ve been wanting to get back into reading, too. I miss it.
There’s so much I want to do, yet I’m either lacking the motivation or the time. It sucks. I want to get myself a yoga mat, still, and am debating if I should just order one off of eBay or Amazon. I want to start doing something at home to get myself at least a little more toned, summer is coming, and I’d like to turn some of this fat into muscle. Not that I’m fat, I’ve actually lost a good amount of weight. I need to get myself into eating healthier, too, but I find it’s so hard for me living at home. I want to eat healthy, unsure where to start when I get my mom just…. there. All the time. I don’t want her judging me anymore than she already does. I think this is my main issue. Which I also need to work on. It’s my mind frame more than it is her. I just need my own place honestly.
This house has been so cold the last few days, my mom was saying she doesn’t know how to break the cold because the insulation is so terrible here. And she mentioned something about her boyfriend said we won’t spend another winter here. I told her I don’t want to spend another year in this town. I can’t stand it, I feel myself just losing myself more and more the longer I stay. It’s 2018 now, the start of a new year, I need something to give, I need changes to happen, and it has to start with me.
Ray, I still haven’t talked to him yet. My anxiety is getting to me about asking him a simple question about what we are. I don’t know why I panic over small things like this, yet I’m bold about telling someone off if they make me mad. I think it has to do with how much I care about someone in my life, or if I know where I stand. While I know Ray likes me, I don’t know where I stand right now, and I think that makes me nervous. I don’t want to change things, but I do want us to be closer and more open than what we have been. It’s not like he’s hidden things from me, but we haven’t really talked that much about the past either. We’re just long overdo for this big talk.
I’m going to try to text him tonight about it, it’s his last day of break before going back to school. He also mentioned something last night about not getting much of a summer break this year, but he’ll have a longer break in December or January. Which is going to really suck. But I don’t know how Pharmacy school really is, and he’s moving into rotations after this semester. Another reason I need to get things moving, because he’s not going to have that much free time once those start, and I don’t want it to always be on him to make the drive. I just want to be closer to him, closer to my goals. It’s time for change.
I love my coworkers, they’re like my second family at this point in my life. But even Alex mentioned (quietly, he doesn’t want it out), that he plans on leaving to somewhere like North Carolina. C has been openly flirting with me at work, and it’s all fun and stuff, but I think he does like me and it does make me feel bad that it’s just not going to happen. It’d be a terrible relationship anyways, there’s just not much of a future. He’s always late, he’s pushing 30 and working here, his landlord came to hunt him down for money multiple times when he moved out, he lived with a couple of our other coworkers for well over a month, sleeping on their couch. He spent a night in jail for fines (I think that’s what it was). He works 60 hours a week but never has money because he blows it. It’s just unattractive to me. I like him as a person, but he’d piss me off if I dated him. Ray’s responsible, he’s going to school for a really good job – something he enjoys – and no, it’s not perfect, but I can see a future with him. He’s already where I want to be.
I wonder how many of these people will remain in touch with me after I leave. All this time here, will it matter? I have learned a lot, especially about beer. It’s not like this time was completely wasted.
I think it’s time to get myself ready for work. Again. Wash, rinse, repeat. This is my life most days. I do a countdown to the days I see Ray again. It’s the only thing I’ve got to look forward to right now.
January Writing Challenge #7