Journal Entry (#14)

January 7, 2018
9:21 AM

It’s been so. fricking. cold. I can’t stand it. But, it is slightly warmer today, at a whopping -3 degrees right now – with no windchill to make it colder. By the end of the day it’s supposed to get in the 20’s, and next week is supposed to be up in the 30’s, 40’s and even 50’s. Talk about a heatwave after this frigid cold. Better get my shorts ready. Just kidding, I’m still going to be cold. But I am stoked. Let’s keep the frigid temperatures away for the rest of winter, please. I’m sick of wearing so many layers just to walk to work.

In other news, too, I’m looking at a 10 day work stretch, and I’m only on day 5. BUT! I’m getting next weekend off and I didn’t ask for it off. I think he’s finally going to start giving me weekends off again, like he’s been saying for awhile. Oh I so hope so. We have plenty of cashiers right now, and one is coming back from break in a couple of weeks. I’m training another one next week (well, she’s been working for us, just one day a week, and this is her last chance to really pick up on things. Which means it’s falling on me to really train her well. Ugh).

The problem with this 10 day work stretch mixed in with these cold days is all I feel like doing is nothing at all. And the past few nights I’ve come home from work, ate, and popped open a beer and just watched Netflix. I’m not bored with Once Upon A Time, but I am bored with this regular thing I’ve started. It’s just so…. blank. I feel so unproductive. I need to start up a hobby. Maybe with the weather getting a little better I’ll feel more up to doing something. I need to clean up around my room, I’ve been saying that the last month or so. I posted those sketchbook photos yesterday (here), and everyone’s comments were so sweet, it made me want to get myself back into drawing. I’ve missed painting, too. I may try to dabble more in it once again.

Once the weather warms up, too, I want to take a walk up to the library, too, and look for a good book to read. I’ve been wanting to get back into reading, too. I miss it.

There’s so much I want to do, yet I’m either lacking the motivation or the time. It sucks. I want to get myself a yoga mat, still, and am debating if I should just order one off of eBay or Amazon. I want to start doing something at home to get myself at least a little more toned, summer is coming, and I’d like to turn some of this fat into muscle. Not that I’m fat, I’ve actually lost a good amount of weight. I need to get myself into eating healthier, too, but I find it’s so hard for me living at home. I want to eat healthy, unsure where to start when I get my mom just…. there. All the time. I don’t want her judging me anymore than she already does. I think this is my main issue. Which I also need to work on. It’s my mind frame more than it is her. I just need my own place honestly.

This house has been so cold the last few days, my mom was saying she doesn’t know how to break the cold because the insulation is so terrible here. And she mentioned something about her boyfriend said we won’t spend another winter here. I told her I don’t want to spend another year in this town. I can’t stand it, I feel myself just losing myself more and more the longer I stay. It’s 2018 now, the start of a new year, I need something to give, I need changes to happen, and it has to start with me.

Ray, I still haven’t talked to him yet. My anxiety is getting to me about asking him a simple question about what we are. I don’t know why I panic over small things like this, yet I’m bold about telling someone off if they make me mad. I think it has to do with how much I care about someone in my life, or if I know where I stand. While I know Ray likes me, I don’t know where I stand right now, and I think that makes me nervous. I don’t want to change things, but I do want us to be closer and more open than what we have been. It’s not like he’s hidden things from me, but we haven’t really talked that much about the past either. We’re just long overdo for this big talk.

I’m going to try to text him tonight about it, it’s his last day of break before going back to school. He also mentioned something last night about not getting much of a summer break this year, but he’ll have a longer break in December or January. Which is going to really suck. But I don’t know how Pharmacy school really is, and he’s moving into rotations after this semester. Another reason I need to get things moving, because he’s not going to have that much free time once those start, and I don’t want it to always be on him to make the drive. I just want to be closer to him, closer to my goals. It’s time for change.

I love my coworkers, they’re like my second family at this point in my life. But even Alex mentioned (quietly, he doesn’t want it out), that he plans on leaving to somewhere like North Carolina. C has been openly flirting with me at work, and it’s all fun and stuff, but I think he does like me and it does make me feel bad that it’s just not going to happen. It’d be a terrible relationship anyways, there’s just not much of a future. He’s always late, he’s pushing 30 and working here, his landlord came to hunt him down for money multiple times when he moved out, he lived with a couple of our other coworkers for well over a month, sleeping on their couch. He spent a night in jail for fines (I think that’s what it was). He works 60 hours a week but never has money because he blows it. It’s just unattractive to me. I like him as a person, but he’d piss me off if I dated him. Ray’s responsible, he’s going to school for a really good job – something he enjoys – and no, it’s not perfect, but I can see a future with him. He’s already where I want to be.

I wonder how many of these people will remain in touch with me after I leave. All this time here, will it matter? I have learned a lot, especially about beer. It’s not like this time was completely wasted.

I think it’s time to get myself ready for work. Again. Wash, rinse, repeat. This is my life most days. I do a countdown to the days I see Ray again. It’s the only thing I’ve got to look forward to right now.

9:45 AM

January Writing Challenge #7

26 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#14)”

  1. Winter days do put a damper on things. I’ve been feeling a lot of the same since it got cold and snowy. As for everything else I noticed that your a lot like me, always wanting to do something but never having the energy to do so. I’ve recently started meditating and I’ve only done twice with this app called Headspace. As crazy as it sounds, it’s really centered me and made me feel less like I need to be on the edge. The good thing is you can meditate anywhere even for just 5 minutes, I think that would be a great place for you to start on your journey to happiness. As for relationships, it’s never easy. Maybe instead of coming out and asking him, you can play 21 questions lol. That way it’ll be a fun way you can ask him. The winter can be a depressing season, I know! But once you find your joy, no one can take it from you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They really do! The cold zaps all of my energy. And that’s exactly it. I’ve always wanted to try meditation, but it’s hard to find that peace and quiet sometimes. I’ll have to check that app out, it sounds helpful, especially if you’ve benefited from using it. And ohh that could be a good way. It’s just hard to do that sometimes because he’ll take awhile to respond at times. Which sucks, but he isn’t always on his phone. Thanks for your comment though, winter just sucks haha. You’re right though (:

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah I really hope you try out the app some day. It’s worked wonders for me so far and oh that’s unfortunate. Ray sounds like a great guy for you and hope everything works out with you guys! And no problem!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t think too much, just do. Get some momentum going and the rest will be easier. It can seem so hard to get unstuck, but making a few moves – even if they aren’t quite the right moves or in the exact direction you want to go – will help.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I hear you. I’m in the process of getting unstuck, and not making decisions gives me more anxiety than making decisions, so I started addressing things one at a time. Still hard, but I feel a lot better about things.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s been frigid here as well, and work hasn’t made things much better. But I have a few days off with my man now, so that always brightens my mood! I really hope you find a way to tell Ray exactly how you feel (:

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It can be pretty tiring when you’re working all day and then the weather doesn’t always help either. Try out a few different things maybe every day depending on how much energy and motivation you have 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I really do think you should start painting and/or drawing again! You def have talent there!! And I need a yoga mat too because my floor hurts lol I looked on Amazon but they seem sketchy. The ones at TJ Maxx are cheaper, even online! You should look on there. 🙂 Also, if you don’t mind reading ebooks, you could download the Overdrive app if you have a library card, that way you can just check out books to your phone without having to trek to the library!
    I’m glad you don’t like C. Ray is much better for you. Maybe you could tell C to back off??
    I hope you get your license before the summer, babe. 💖 You can do it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really do want to. It sucks when you lack the space and the time. And ohh same here haha. I think it would motivate me to workout more at home, and honestly I’d rather do that than go to the gym! And I never thought to look at Tj Maxx, I’ll have to give it a look! If all else fails I’ll check out Walmart lol. And I prefer actual books but I’ll give it a shot! I’ve never heard of that app before. I wonder if my library is even on it lol. The library is right uptown, so it’s not too bad, just bad enough when it’s cold lol.
      Ray is so much better haha. It’s all in good fun, he knows I’m with Ray and I’ve already told him I don’t have plans of ending that anytime soon.
      And aww thanks! I hope so! 💜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. TJMaxx probably has better quality, I did check and there were a few for only $9.99 which is cheap! And I did download the app as well, my library was amazingly on there ☺️ so I did download a book and we’ll see if I get around to reading it lol

        Like

      2. I actually ordered one from TJMaxx because it was free shipping if I signed up for emails lol! And I did start reading that book I downloaded, so we are off to a good start. Thanks for recommending it to me (:

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Let me know how that one from TJMaxx is!! 🙂 I haven’t ordered one because I’m always like “oh I’ll get it quicker if I go to the store” but I never go so I think it will be quicker if I do order online, lol.
        You’re welcome!! I’m glad you were able to find your library and a book you wanted to read on there! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I definitely will ☺️ it says it’ll take 5-10 days to get here so I’ll probably make a journal Entry or something about it once it does lol. And ohh I’ve done that before lol, but since I don’t drive i never get to the store when I actually have money 😂 so I jumped at the free shipping. And me, too 💜

        Liked by 1 person

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