Hey, how have you been? It’s been awhile. I haven’t heard from you in months. Not since you left town. I tried to keep in touch with you for awhile, but it felt pointless after I got involved in my current relationship. What was the point in holding on to something we both know was never going to go anywhere? We had a connection at one point, it’s a pity to me you never took me up on that. But you were toxic, and even you knew that. Everything you had built up, you wound up destroying. The you now, would we still have gotten along I wonder. Would there have been that chemistry? I’m long over it now, but I do wonder every now and then. What would it have been like, had you not gotten fired?
I miss you. I really do. Would it be awful of me to say that ever since you had your baby, I feel like we’ve fallen into two different worlds? We can never go back to the friendship we used to have. Where I could text you at all hours and know you’d be awake. Where we’d make spontaneous trips to Wal-Mart at 11pm at night. I miss our friendship, and I know you do, too. It’s just hard, when something so big comes into the picture. And I’m so unbelievably happy you’ve found your happiness, but I’m so sad that we’ve drifted. I don’t know your problems anymore, what worries you now. We talk every now and then, but it’s always casual. Catching up, like old friends do. No matter what happens in life, you’ll always be like my big sister, and always my best friend. I’ll always be here, I hope you know that.
It’s been a long time since we’ve talked. Actually, ever since college ended for me, it feels like our friendship just drifted. I thought we were so close at one point. We worked together on projects and would joke around and watch the funniest or creepiest videos in the editing bay. It was some of my best memories of college. And we used to know what was happening in each other’s lives. But, you stopped keeping in touch. I say you, because I tried. I messaged you a few times, and tried to hang out a number of times. It never happened, and it wasn’t on my end. Maybe this is growing up, or the end of an era, but it makes me sad that we just stopped being close friends. I really miss working on projects together, and the people we used to all hang around with. I hope someday we can catch up, but I know it won’t be the same.
You’re the hardest person for me to talk to. I live with you, and maybe that’s what makes it the most difficult. I feel as if I can’t fully tell you how I feel, because at the end of the day, it’s your worries before mine. You told me to call off work today because it was too cold. This isn’t like school, you can’t just call off for that sort of thing, so I’m not doing that, I’m going to work. Because unlike you, I can’t afford to not work. I can’t afford to waste my day at home bitching about how nothing is done and everything needs done. I can’t handle the fact that one minute you preach about moving closer to grandma, and the next you want to look for houses here where we still live. It’s one or the other, and I’m losing patience with your slow pace. I have got to get my life started, and I don’t know the best way to handle this situation. You will side with me, but you don’t want me leaving. Because if I leave, how will you live without my financial stability holding you up? But how can I progress if I live moving at your slow pace? I’m turning 25 this year, I’m halfway through my twenties damn near, and I’m nowhere close to my goals. Something has got to give, and for once I wish you would do what needs to be done, and listen to me – actually listen to me – without cutting me off or cutting me down. For once, I wish you could see things from my point of view.
This is a conversation I’ve been holding off on having for a really long time. We’re past the 7 month mark of us dating, but… we haven’t talked about what we actually are. Are we boyfriend girlfriend? Enough to make it official? I don’t need us to publicly make it official on Facebook, but I can’t lie and say I don’t want that. I want to share me being with you to the world. It’s not like you’re hiding me either, we openly go out in public, I’ve met your friends, siblings. But, something is holding us back and I feel it’s this conversation. Being with you is almost like a dream some days. A fantasy. It was fine at first, but I need to know if there is a future here. This is the closest real thing I’ve ever had, and I think I’m scared of losing it. But when you smile at me like that, or make me feel like I’m on your mind – I know you care about me. And maybe you’re having this same struggle as me. You don’t know how to approach it either. It’s on the tip of my tongue every time we’re together. We need to talk. I need to know where I’m standing with you.
January Writing Challenge #5