Journal Entry (#10)

December 20, 2017
9:15 AM

It’s been a week, and it’s only Wednesday. Having the last three days off of work has been nice, it makes me not want to go back honestly. But I need money. I’ve spent so much the last few days, it’s awful. It doesn’t help that a couple of the items I’ve bought have been for myself mostly, too.

The Christmas Party on Sunday was interesting, and a lot of fun. The last half of the night is a little blurry, I had a tad much to drink at that point. I just remember the last hour I was there I slapped C in the face for being an ass and then Alex told me to slap him in the face, because when else can I say I slapped my boss in the face? So I did that, too. And then I was going around giving everyone hugs before I left. Yeah, it got weird. I did get everyone (who was there at the time) to get together for a group photo, though, so that was something!

Having the day off after these things is the best, because I think they know I always get trashed, so being able to sleep in is a necessity. I was slightly hungover, but I was mostly just tired all day from the drinking. My mom and I did some Christmas shopping later on in the day, and I did something I didn’t want to do at first – I signed up for a JCPenney’s credit card. Here’s the thing though, I did want to get at least one store card, and I do like shopping at Penney’s. I only did it to buy my mom a good winter coat. It was originally $200, and on sale for $80. With activating the card, I got the coat for $50. So it was worth it that way. I’m going to get it paid off as soon as I get paid, I do not want a balance on this card, and I’m only going to use it if I have the money to pay it off that day. The interest rate is way too high otherwise, and they gave me a limit of $1,500, and I really don’t want to use all of that money. Actually, it may look good on me to have that open credit. We’ll see. I still spent too much money.

I did some wrapping Monday night and realized I didn’t really have much for her in general, so I want to try to get her a couple of smaller things, too. I already know what I’m mostly getting for Christmas. While we were at JCPenney’s she got me a pair of shoes (I have to try those on), and a brand new purse – which I’ve been wanting for a really long time. And it’s so cute! It’s like a soft pink color and has more room than the one I’m using now. And she bought me a game for my Wii U online.

While on eBay, I found a great deal for Super Smash Bros (Wii U), and I won the auction at around $20, when it’s still running for around $30 or more brand new. I don’t know why I keep doing this, it’s like the holidays just remind me that I know more what to get for myself than others. I’m spending more money than I should, and I figure I’ll figure it out in the new year. I keep buying things I don’t need, just want. It’s an issue.

My mom keeps talking about plans for next year, and I don’t know what to expect. She talks big, but then doesn’t act on the change because she’s afraid. I have this guilt that I just want to be on my own, come next year I don’t want to be here. And it’s like she thinks I will be, and she’s not giving me a choice in the matter. When she’s upset, she tells me to just move out, but let’s face it, she’s never going to actually do that. She knows I want to leave, and the last time I approached the subject, she made me feel like shit for it. It’s like my life is in her hands and that’s not fair. I mention moving in with friends, and she says she’d rather see me living in my own place – because for one, she could move in (she thinks), and two, it’ll take me longer to afford that. I need to be in the city, I’m sorry she’s afraid of that, but the only way for things to happen at this point is for change to happen. Maybe I am getting myself in a rush, but I can’t keep staying here. I’m so unhappy in this town and at home.

I think I’m worried that if I move out for sure she’ll cut me out of her life – she can be that spiteful, and she’s said that she would before. Which is immature, she can’t expect me to stay here forever, how on earth am I supposed to help her with a minimum wage job? In a shitty ass town? I have to help myself first before I can help her, and she just doesn’t get that we’re stuck because she’s forcing something that can’t be forced. I want her around, I want her in my life, I just want my own life, too. Is that so wrong? It’ll force my mom to have to take a stand at her own life.

And as far as the animals go, I feel guilt about that. She doesn’t want to discuss the issues now, because of the holidays. But she mentioned getting rid of the dog, then she mentions spending $70 on something for him to lay on downstairs. And I asked her, how long does she intend to stay in this house then? Because I don’t want to be here that much longer. And she’s back to wanting to keep him with us, and it’s not that I don’t understand, but realistically I don’t know how we can still keep him. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dog, as big of an asshole as he can be at times, but I can’t hold my own life back for a dog that isn’t being properly taken care of anyways. He needs a better chance than this, too. I hate the idea of taking him back to the humane society, too, but she needs to make a decision about her life and she needs to make it soon. I can’t wait anymore.

If I move out, how is she going to afford it? We can’t even afford to take the animals to the vet right now. She doesn’t want the dog in her car because he smells and he gets fur everywhere. So we can’t even take him locally unless she absolutely has to drive him somewhere. He takes up the entire backseat of her car, he’s that big. The one time we had to take him to the vet, I had to sit in the back with him and the entire 40 minute drive I got dog slobber all over me and scratched by his nails. It was a tight squeeze and he wouldn’t settle down.

If my step father was still in the picture, it’d be one thing, but the day he left was the day we should’ve made this decision. She talked about it even then, and I told her to do what she wanted to do, I didn’t want to get rid of him but I knew it was going to be hard. She kept him, and then she’ll just say she wishes she wouldn’t of now. What’s done is done, I just don’t know anymore. It’s a headache, I don’t know how to get out of my own situation so I feel I’m just going to wind up blowing up and fleeing and she’s going to get so upset with me.

I just wish things were different. I’m envious of those families who don’t have these issues, who can do the normal thing of moving into a dorm or apartment in college, and then still come back home when they need to, not because they have to. This situation I’m in has never been normal, I guess it’s why I crave normalcy.

9:42 AM

By the way! I’ve been so sidetracked lately I haven’t been keeping up with reading blogs, and I know I’m behind. I will come back around soon, I’ve just been so unfocused on reading. And it seems there’s more and more and I start to stress and I shouldn’t stress about it. I  actually skipped my own daily post the other day, and I feel at that place where I’m trying not to let myself take a break from this blog, because I know it’ll be a long time before I come back. Hopefully after the holidays, things destress a bit and I can focus more on this blog and reading your blogs again. 


December Writing Challenge #20

8 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#10)”

  1. I think it’s fine that you’ve spent money on yourself, you deserve it! Really, you do! The Christmas party sounds like a lot fun & so lucky that you were able to have the day off afterwards to group yourself together!
    I hope you don’t have to bring Achilles to the Humane Society & if you aren’t able to find a way to keep him, I hope you find someone who’s willing to give him a home. ❤
    I truly believe that your mom wouldn’t cut you out of her life completely…at least not forever! She’d miss you. Remember she loves you just as much as you love her. Stay strong, babe. I’d be so sad if you took a break & didn’t come back for a long while. I’d miss you! 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thanks! It was only on a couple of Wii U games at the very least. And it was a lot of fun!
      I don’t want to take him back there, but I dunno what else to do right now. It’s hard to find someone who wants a big dog.
      I don’t think she would either, but it is hard. I’m trying to stay strong, this is always a hard time of the year for me. I’d be sad if I did, too! I’m so behind on reading blogs right now, it makes me feel bad. I’m hoping to get more time after the holidays are over

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You should try posting Achilles on Craigslist & get a re-homing fee so that you know for sure the people want him if they’re willing to pay you & you can see what kind of people they are first.
        I understand! It really is a hard time of the year, so stressful. I can’t wait for December to be over! I hope you’ll feel better soon. ❤
        Aw, don’t worry about catching up on reading blogs! Especially if it’s stressing you out & making you want to quit blogging. Just keep writing!! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s a possibility!
        And ohh me, too. Thank you 💜
        And awww thanks, I’m trying not to stress out, I think I just feel overwhelmed because every time I make a plan to write a post or something my mom wants to do something and I’ll be happy once the holidays are over lol. It’s hard finding time to write right now much less read 😭

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I understand, love! & I know your other followers do too. ❤ We’ll still be here when things settle down for you!!
        Merry Christmas Eve! We’re almost done with the holidays!!!

        Liked by 1 person

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