December 13, 2017
You know what’s funny? I applied to a ton of those jobs at the bank, right? That was well over a month ago, going on two months or so. I received an email a couple days ago from someone over at the bank, about that Marketing Internship I applied to. While they’re not interested in me for that position, they’re interested me for another banking position internship. I should be thrilled, right? But it’s for this summer, and the more I think about it, the more I really don’t want to be here. I don’t want to work in a bank, I wanted to before to get out of my current job, but it’s not really what I want to do.
If I get my license, what’s stopping me then from applying to internships that are more related to what I want to do? I want to get myself back into what I was into in college, that’s my focus. It’s hard right now, money sucks. The holidays are sucking what extra I do have out of me.
And then my mother keeps talking about her needs, and she even admitted that she does keep me around to help her financially, because she doesn’t know how to survive without me. I know she does, which is why I don’t understand her need to control my life (like a curfew… what’s she going to do other than bitch at me?). This lifestyle is draining me, and she knows I don’t want to keep staying here – I’m practically preaching it now. And I know she wants to be closer to family, but I can’t cure her paranoia or fear. It makes it so difficult to do what I need to do for myself.
The other funny part, too, is for my post yesterday, I was looking at all of my previous journal entries. The amount of hurt my mother and I have been through – from her to me – I forgot so much. People think our relationship now is rough, they don’t know anything. She blames my step brother for my current attitude when it has little to nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with understanding I need to do for me, too. I’m 24 years old, and I have so much to live for, that I’m sick of feeling trapped. I need to escape, and she should understand that more than anyone – she left her own home to live with her dad. And then she got married (the first time) in her early twenties and lived out of state for a few years. She was on her own, she got to live her life. And I understand she has her own regrets (she wasn’t here when her father passed away), but it’s not fair to hold me back from my future. And then say I’m doing nothing with my own career – what does she expect me to do right now? I’m trying, but I can only get so far.
I’m supposed to have this happy facade all the time or something. It’s hard, I can’t deal with the petty bullshit anymore, I’m too old for this. And I see more clearly now that I’m older. It wasn’t just my step father who fucked things up, it was her as well. She made the wrong choices, and she knows it. So why must I suffer for her bad decisions? So she can get on her feet? I’ve been doing that for well over 4 years now. In the meantime, she can’t hold onto a job. She just got a night job at the bakery at the grocery store her boyfriend works at (she used to cashier there as well) – she’s decided not to go back because she doesn’t like the job. Which is fair, after she described it to me. But still – how many jobs can she go through in a year? Because it’s over 5. She’s burned so many bridges in this town, but she’s scared of going somewhere new because she doesn’t know the roads. That’s life, and I know she’s 52, but it’s now or never. I can’t wait for her to be ready.
Once the holidays are over, the first thing I’m doing is making sure I locate that birth certificate – even if it means going to Vital Records and purchasing a new one. I have to get my permit, and then I’ll take whoever up on letting me drive. I need my license. Once I see how income tax goes, if I actually make anything extra with it, I’ll probably try for a loan to get a car and to pay off my credit cards. My student loans should be coming off deferment next year, too. So I’ll have to do something about that as well, which sucks. I can’t afford those payments right now. And the interest keeps adding up.
I’m trying to think of the big picture. I’m not getting any younger, and I don’t want my life to start when I’m in my thirties. I need it to start while I’m still young. It’s not fair to keep letting everything hold me back. I’m starting to realize this, and I am starting to fight back more. My mom will preach that I shouldn’t fight her, but I can’t let her control my life anymore. It’s no longer her decision to do so – and it hasn’t been since I turned 18. She can get upset, stupidly, if she wants to, but I know how to be an adult and have fun, too. At least I make sure my bills are paid first.
I feel I keep saying the same things in my journal entries, but it’s becoming more and more crucial to me that I need this change to happen soon. I really need it.
In a side note – I downloaded the Untapp’d app and never realized before that you can rate beers – any beer – not just drafts at bars. I’ve been missing out. I rated like 20 beers in one night and I think the app thinks I’m a drunk who drank that many beers in one night. Oh well. I think I’ll be making use of this app a lot more now, I try new beers all the time.
December Writing Challenge #13