Journal Entry (#6)

December 6, 2017
10:10 AM

I think I’m at that stage where I’m about ready for the holidays to be over already. I remember now, why, why I always get drug down this time of year. It’s because we stopped doing things in the holiday spirit, and everything started to feel like it was a job, not something to do for fun.

I was off yesterday and today from work. Yesterday, I had asked my mom last week, to take me over so I can do my permit test. She told me sure, but she wanted us to get over there early so we could get out early. So, I woke up at 8 AM. I woke her up between 8:30 and 9:00 AM. What time did we actually leave? 1 PM. My morning was killed because of that, and I wish I hadn’t of woke up early. Then to top it off, she just kept telling me how this was the worst time to try for this stuff and I should’ve been on it months ago. I’m well aware, I don’t need her constantly nitpicking. Especially since I could throw back the fact I could’ve had my license three years ago in Bob’s car, but his taillight was out. He went to get it fixed and she told me to hold off on getting my license because of money. I wish I had just gone for it again.

Anyways, I did go for my permit test (finally), and guess what? State ID does nothing nowadays. Apparently it was good up until a few months ago (just another reminder I should’ve been on this months ago). Now, I really do need my birth certificate. I passed the test (super easy), but I can’t get my permit until I bring that in. We found my hospital birth certificate, but I need the government issued one, and so far that’s still hiding somewhere. I really don’t want to have to order one. Just makes me kind of mad I won’t get it this year. Just no way, it’s going to have to happen next month.

After that, her and I jagged around the mall for a bit. Sears is closing up here, so we checked out what kind of sales they were having, and bought a few things. I bought two shorts for $5 each, you really can’t beat that. Especially since there was a 10% off your order coupon added when we rung out.

When we got back home, my mom started making dinner, and I was so tired, my head was hurting. So I tried to get a power nap in, then got yelled at for it because I needed to be decorating the tree. And I started to get upset. Because first, who wants to decorate with a pounding headache? You should’ve gone to bed at a decent hour. Why am I always stuck decorating by myself these years? I do everything else, the least you can do is add the bulbs. I don’t mind the decorating, but at least let me have some Christmas music or some Christmas movies on. Or something I enjoy on. The news is coming on in 15 minutes. Why start decorating when dinner will be done in 10 to 15 minutes? At least let me get a power nap in. What’re you going to do when you have to decorate your own tree? Well, at least then I could nap before if I needed one. Ray is going to get sick of your attitude. I only get the attitude here, maybe that’s a sign.

I’m really starting to feel like I can’t keep living at home like this. Her and I sat down and watched some Disney movies later on that night, and things were fine, but there’s so much nitpicking and other things that add up. I get tired of it. And then I had friends asking me to go out for once – I could’ve gone and played Mario Kart. But it was rainy and cold, and I was wiped out. It just feels like my days off aren’t my days off to sleep in and enjoy some of my day. It’s just work.

This is my issue with the holidays right now. I really want to be in the holiday spirit – baking cookies should have Christmas music playing at the very least. Decorating the tree should be similar, and it shouldn’t feel like a chore – it’s supposed to be fun. I still have to get the rest of my shopping done yet, and I’m not even in the holiday spirit. The weather has been goofy, too, and I am not bitching one bit about it, but the lack of even snow flurries makes it hard to feel like Christmas. Then, of course, there is the actual shopping, and I find a few things that I think would be perfect, and then I look at the price tag. This year is always bad for money, and honestly it wouldn’t have been if my mom had been able to hold down a job. I lose an extra $50 each paycheck because of that.

I think it’s why I feel the need to keep some sort of alcohol in the house. Her boyfriend buys a damn 6 pack every other day, why can’t I keep something in the house? It’s the only way I can handle his drunk ass, and it’s the one thing that seems to calm my nerves. Which have been shot lately. I think there’s something wrong with me some nights. I’ve been on the emotional side lately and I’m not on my period – it ended maybe 2 weeks ago, so it can’t be that. I think it’s a mix of stress. I was so mad about the whole tree thing last night, and being tired – I hid in the bathroom and had to cry for a minute. I’ve been watching shows and movies lately that have been making me want to cry, too, and I don’t know why. Am I really that stressed out? I don’t have the patience like I used to, I think I’m reaching my breaking point.

Every time my mother mentions about us having change next year, the only thing I can keep saying is I don’t want to be here. I’m so unhappy in this situation. She talks about finding another house to live in, downsizing – honestly, as sad as it is, we’re probably getting rid of the dog and one of the cats (or two). Realistically and financially, it’s the best option. The situation for the dog changed when my step dad left the picture. We shouldn’t have kept him after that, my mom kept saying she wanted to get rid of him, yet kept him. Now, it’s at the point where he needs to be in a better home, and he’s so expensive. Having three cats also gets costly, and the only cat I wanted to get was the baby – Missy, who has also become my mom’s favorite. If I leave, it’s also the more realistic option to downsize.

I’m not condoning getting rid of animals at all, I don’t agree with adopting if that’s what’s going to happen. But circumstances do change, and realistically and financially, I don’t know what else can be done at this point. Achilles is a huge dog – we can’t keep him upstairs because of the cats, and even if we didn’t have them, my mom wouldn’t have him be an upstairs dog. He’s too furry, smelly, and he gets into things. He was adopted to be an outside dog, but he’s too much of a baby. I love him, despite our hard times when we first adopted him, but he really does deserve a better family. If I leave, and my mom gets rid of John, she can’t handle four animals. Life sucks.

Today is supposed to be another “fun” filled day of baking, and a little shopping for things we need. I just want to relax. I also need to see if I can figure out my health insurance, apparently tomorrow is a deadline for it and I haven’t done a single thing to check it out. I feel I can’t get much of my personal goals done because of the damn holidays, and my mom monopolizes every day I have off. Which isn’t really fair, she’s not working, she can do a few things on her own. Why is it okay for her to get to enjoy a few days, and I’m on work mode 7 days a week? The only time I’m going to be able to get things done is after work I guess. I only work until 6 PM this week, I may actually be able to give myself some time to get some organizing in my room done. I also need to find time to make an updated portfolio and resume to send to my uncle. I want to have options for me come the new year.

I really do not want to stay here. I really think I’m at my breaking point – my step dad left the picture over 3 years ago, and I’ve stuck by my mother the last 5 or 6 years. I can’t do this anymore. I need to do my own thing. I hate when she tells me I have to abide by her rules or leave – I WANT to leave. So badly. I feel stuck, helping her. But I’m reaching the place where I’m going to have to leave first, get my act together, and then I can help her out. And by helping her out, it doesn’t mean living together. I can’t. That’s what she’s hoping for, but I don’t want that to happen. I just want to get her in a better position. I love my mom, but living together is slowly tearing us apart. I can’t live with her silly rules and constant nitpicking – I can say the same shit back at her, but somehow, she only sees things through her own perspective. She doesn’t see things from my perspective. Ignorance is bliss.

I’ve never been so motivated to get through this period of my life. Changes are coming, just have to make it through winter. This time is going to be dedicated to preparing for that big leap. I have to get out of here.

10:42 AM

December Writing Challenge #6

8 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#6)”

  1. You know when you want to be encouraging and positive about someone else’s struggles and say lots of things that will help them out…but then you realize that other people did that to you when you were dealing with a lot of shit and that maybe what you say won’t be that helpful after all?

    That’s me, wishing I could help, but maybe I’ll just agree it sucks and bring over a proverbial beer. Hang in there, dude.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aw, it broke my heart to read that you had to hide in the bathroom a have a little cry but I’m glad that you got it out because crying does help sometimes. You already know my thoughts on your Mom and how I really think you should move out. I really truly hope you can find a better home for your pets. :-/ That broke my heart to read as well. Hope things start looking up for you, Laken. You have the motivation in you now use it! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Honestly crying does help. And sometimes I get myself so worked up I have to cry to let it out. And I know your thoughts. I hope we can find a better Home, but I dunno! Things need to change sooner rather than later, but I can’t force her to do anything. I just need to have my own changes coming soon. I’m trying to use the motivation.
      Thank you as always 💜

      Like

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