I’m not okay.
I keep pretending like I am,
I put on this daily facade,
Keep my voice steady,
Sometimes I fake it until I believe it.
Then something like this happens,
It reminds me why I’m not happy.
My insides churn,
There’s this dark feeling within.
I don’t like this feeling,
A knot forming in my chest,
I can’t stop it,
I just broke down,
The moment I hid myself behind closed doors.
I understand your need for my money that I give you every paycheck,
And with you not having a job,
I know we’re hurting for money.
But when you rush me to go buy him cigarettes,
He smoked them all,
He only had one left,
Don’t I have a right to get angry?
It’s his fault if he smoked them all,
I do understand addiction,
But I don’t have the empathy when you push it onto me.
When you are relying on the money that I am giving you,
from MY bank account,
to buy HIS cigarettes,
I think I’m entitled to be upset.
I don’t give you money to support that,
I give you money for bills,
The essential things that we need.
Stop bitching that we don’t have the money,
When I see you wasting so much of it.
How is this my burden?
How is this my problem?
And then YOU get mad at ME for not being okay with it.
Because I slammed the door when I left,
I disrespected you.
I can’t handle the pettiness anymore,
This way of living.
You make me feel like that kid again,
Trying to please you,
Make you happy,
Because you’re cold-hearted when you’re angry.
When I’m walking to get you cigarettes,
I took the longer route,
And I’m struggling to hold in tears,
Because I’m so frustrated and upset.
How can you not see what your lifestyle is doing to me?
Or are you so caught up in your own problems,
You fail to see the repercussions are falling onto me?
You say you’re sad I’m not doing anything with my degree,
You say you want out of this situation,
But I haven’t seen you do a single thing to help yourself.
It falls onto me,
And I’m struggling,
I’m struggling so much to stay afloat,
To keep my sanity.
There are nights like this,
Where I just start crying,
Hiding my ugly tears,
I don’t want you to see.
I don’t want anyone to see.
I feel like failure.
I’m so scared of showing this side of myself to Ray,
I get so scared he’ll not want to deal with it.
Because it’s a dark side,
And it’s not who I want to be.
It’s not who I am,
I’m better than this.
This trapped feeling,
It makes me feel like this.
I don’t know what to do,
Where to go from here.
I know what needs done,
But it’s always easier said then done.
She always acts like nothing ever happened the next day,
My breakdowns feel pointless,
But I still remember these feelings.
So when it happens the next time,
It hurts even more.
Because I get silly,
I make believe that everything is fine.
Until I’m reminded that I’m not.
This isn’t normal,
But it’s my normalcy.
I’m not crying for help,
I’m crying for sanity.
I’m tired of pretending.
I’ll be okay, I just had to write things out. Sometimes life really sucks.