Journal Entry (#4)

November 24, 2017
10:23 AM

One holiday down, two more to go! Thanksgiving was a success for me, even if we kept it small and it was just the three of us (me, my mom, and her boyfriend). My mom wanted me to make sure Ray knew he was invited, but he had work from 6am-2:30pm, and he had his own family thing to go to. This is where distance gets a bit rough. But I wasn’t upset or anything, I knew he wasn’t coming, and I got to see him this last weekend.

But anyways, we had a nice dinner, and then her boyfriend passed out around 4pm, and my mom and I just watched Christmas movies most the night. Home Alone 2, Jack Frost (the Michael Keaton one, she loves it), Elf and then we watched a religious movie, Joseph. The thing is, I’m not really religious anymore, not like I was as a kid, but it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy watching some of these movies. It’s kind of nostalgia sometimes. Something we’d watch every year.

Usually we bring out the Christmas tree Thanksgiving night, but I had a bit too much too drink and really just wanted to be lazy. My mom had ate a tad much, too, and didn’t really want to do anything either. So it turned into a real lazy night, which I am not complaining about at all.

Today is Black Friday, and I get to enjoy it by going to work 1pm-10pm today. Granted, Thank God I’m not in retail, but it’s still going to be a long night. I’m really over my job. I keep saying this, but I’m so tired of it. My schedule just keeps getting flipped all over the place, I used to have a set schedule. I hate this. I can’t plan anything out because I don’t even know what days I’m getting off unless I request it off. And this month is going to suck, because half of our staff is going home for winter break. Which means requesting off is going to be hard as hell due to no people to cover. Between that and the oncoming snow I know is coming, I’m stressing about seeing Ray. I really want to spend New Years with him if anything.

I think I’m feeling stuck again. I do, every time around this year. It’s this weather, it gets me high strung. I used to love the snow as a kid – it meant no school. As an adult, I hate it. It means I still have to go to work, but it’s really not fun walking on ice or through 10 feet of snow just to get to a job I don’t even want to be at.

I feel so far from my roots, too. I don’t have time to sit down and read a good book – every time I have a day off I either have to clean or I’m going to Ray’s (the latter I’m not complaining one bit). And when I get home from work late, I’m just way too tired to focus on reading. Which is why Netflix/Hulu has become such an active part in my life. I don’t even have motivation to play video games half the time, and that’s the other thing I’m starting to really miss. I haven’t drawn or painted in ages – I haven’t even broke out my camera in the last month. I’m just in a funk, I feel like I have no time, when I know I do, I’m just too tired when I do have time.

I wish I was in a situation where I could just quit my job and have a month or two to get my shit together. But… my mom just got fired from The Salvation Army. Apparently she wasn’t a good fit? They thought she was going after their management jobs when she just wanted a minimum wage job and to not stand up front bullshitting the entire shift when things needed done. I’m kind of pissed for her, I get that she’s not the easiest person to work with, but you don’t fire someone around the holidays over something so petty – it’s a salvage store. She was only there for maybe 3 weeks? If that. Which means we lost that extra income, again. I really wish my mom could just find a job and stick with it. Because she’s been through like 5 jobs just this year alone. She hasn’t lasted more than maybe a month or two at the last few either. Needless to say, The Salvation Army is something my mom is never donating to again after that.

Money is just always tight these days, any time I start saving money, she loses her freaking job and I can’t hold on to anything because she needs money. Which is sad, too, because she still gets alimony from her husband, since they’re still legally married. We bring in well over $2,000 a month all combined, so there is no reason we can’t afford to live in this house, but somehow the bills are behind (aside from mine, and the rent). Somehow, we struggle to pay for groceries. Somehow, there’s always a money issue. I know the culprit is their habits, her boyfriend bought like five 6packs last week, and that’s not even including their cigarettes. They buy at least one or two packs a day. His cost around $7, hers around $8. And there’s tax on cigarettes now, so together it’s around $17 for one pack of each. Multiply that by 30 days and it just makes me sick.

How is this fair to me? I try to keep a level head and suck it up, because I know I buy my own alcohol and splurge on food at times, but at least it’s not daily. And even if I go out to the bar, I spend less than $10 (discounts and friends come in handy, and knowing people). I buy one 6pack a week, at around $10 (it depends, I don’t drink the same stuff all the time because I like to mix it up). But at least when I drink, it’s after everything is done, it’s nighttime, and I drink a few and call it a night. Most times I only drink like one or two beers.

I just don’t know anymore. There’s got to be something more to life. I’m only really happy when I’m not here. I’m so happy when I’m with Ray, when I’m out there in the city. Coming back, I hate it so much. I don’t belong here. It’s not making me happy. And I don’t know where to start this change. If it was just me? I’d quit my job right now and get my ass in gear. I could survive for a month if I moved in with someone else. But it’s not just me, and that’s where my stress comes.

Because of my feelings, I’m starting to have some high hopes for 2018. I’m so motivated to get out of this town, to get away from here. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but the moment I get my license, I’m trying for a car and going from there. Once I get a car? I can look for a better job. I’ll quit my job and just focus on finding a job. I know I can land something! I just need to do something I enjoy. I’m so tired of working in the food industry. So tired of working in a college town. So tired of stupid questions on the phone. Of having to dress a certain way, of not being able to dress up. Being stuck wearing the same shoes that are falling apart because I don’t want to waste another $30 on shoes that’ll fall apart in a few months again. I bought a nice pair of running shoes and ruined them at work. What a waste.

I want a steady job – because if it’s not going to be steady, then it at least needs to be something that I enjoy. And by that, I mean it better be something related to photography or video or graphic design. What am I even doing with my life? This job doesn’t even fit my resume. I updated my profile on Glassdoor and they started recommending me cashier jobs. Just… no.

All I know, is something has got to give. I don’t know how much longer I can keep dealing with this shitty situation. When I look back, I know it’s gotten better over the last few years, but it’s still not even close to where I want to be. My plans were to move out after graduation. I graduated college in May 2016. Ha. Going on two years, it’s making my stomach sick. Wasted years, because my mother can’t get her life together. And I’ve talked about moving out, about letting me get established somewhere so I can actually help her out. But it’s futile. She’s against it. She doesn’t want me moving in with someone else, because she’d rather have me have my own place. Like it’s her choice. And it makes me feel like such a child, trapped, having to please my parents. And I ask myself why am I stuck in this? I don’t have to stay. But… I’m obligated to. She tells me if I don’t want to live by her rules then I should just move out. But then she won’t let me move out, and I just feel so torn.

Some days we get along great – like last night. But, I just don’t know what to expect anymore. I’m so stressed when I think about the big picture, the future. It stresses me out that I’m going into work in two hours.

I’m ready for this winter season to be over already, and we haven’t even officially hit winter yet.

11:01 AM

November Writing Challenge #24

12 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#4)”

  1. This is a great in-depth piece of writing. It is great that you journal on your blog regularly. It helps those that follow you keep up with your work. I too miss being able to just sit down and read a book. Between my studying, writing, blogging and my freelance writing I am exhausted by days end and just watch Netflix to relax. I am sorry to hear about you not loving work. It sucks. I know. But you are an amazingly strong human being and your strength is amazing. Keep up the good work and the writing here on your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the support 💜 I love journaling, I feel it’s a way to kind of keep up to date with life, and let people in on what’s going on. and that’s how I feel – when I was in college plus working I didn’t have the time. Now I’m working 40some hours a week and have other things going on, just makes it so hard. I’m happy I can make writing and blogging a daily part of my life though. And thank you again 💜 I got some positive news today, and I’m feeling a little more optimistic that this is short term

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I had to work too, and this was my first Black Friday in 10 years I’ve had to work. (Not retail either though). We always had Thanksgiving and Black Friday which meant a 4 day weekend. Well they decided to take our Black Friday holiday away from us, which really sucks. At least I have a pretty set schedule though. I wouldn’t like having one that fluctuated either.

    Your situation with your mother sounds similar to me with my mine. I’m 29 and still live her and have never been on my own. I feel like she actually wants to give me around instead of having me “leave the nest” because I help to financially support her. She would be probably be screwed without my help, honestly. She could always get a roommate if I moved out, but they aren’t always dependable like I am.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That still sucks though! I remember reading your post about having to work, and I still agree it’s dumb to take away a 4 day weekend just to work one day. At least it wasn’t retail (I’m so happy I don’t work retail), but it’s still sucky. Having a set schedule is really nice. I used to have one when I started working here, but the last few months it’s been all over the place because we lack people. My schedule next week is even worse, just saw it yesterday. They have me close to 50 hours and one day off. I don’t even want the hours…

      That’s how I feel a lot of times with my mother, too, I do think we have similar situations. My mom would be so screwed if I just up and left her. Her boyfriend makes decent money, but he spends it all on booze and cigarettes, and his bills are behind. My mom wouldn’t do a roommate, she’s too paranoid to just let anyone move in with her. She has seemed a little more aware of the fact that I won’t always live at home though, just by a few things she’s mentioned lately, but I dunno! And you’re right, as her daughter you’re going to want to make sure she’s supported. A roommate wouldn’t care so much.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Aww that’s so sweet, it sounds like you had a nice Thanksgiving watching Christmas movies with your mom. ❤ Sorry to hear she got fired and for such a petty reason too!! And you already know I’m rooting for you to get that car and move out. I can’t wait for the winter to be over, too!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It really was a nice time (: and yeah it sucks! I don’t know what she’s going to do next. But it is what it is. And aww well thanks! I can’t wait for that day lol. And I can’t wait for winter to be over, and it hasn’t officially been begun yet lol

      Like

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