I spent the day cleaning. I feel behind on my blogging, things have been a tad busy the last few days – I fell behind on all of your blogs once again! I’m working on slowly catching up.
Tuesday night I went out with a couple of my coworkers to celebrate two of my coworker’s birthdays. I confess, I drank too much. I had a bud light at the one bar, then we went to our bar (half off drinks everyday), and I had 3 Southern Tier Coffee Pumpking’s. Let me tell you, 8.6% even in an 11oz glass catches up with you very fast (it is good though!). Yesterday was one of the worst hangover’s I’ve had in quite awhile. Work was awful. Thank God I got to leave early.
Christmas is around the corner, and while I’m excited to look for gifts for everyone, there’s a part of me that wants to spend all my money on new clothes for myself. And boots. And so much. I want to spoil myself. Is that a crime?
I think about how my life would be so much better if I was on my own a lot. When my mother says it’s her house, her rules, if I don’t want to abide by them I can leave, I want to just leave. So much doesn’t make sense about it. Tell me to leave, yet I can’t leave?
I had my first crush in the third grade. This guy, let’s call him M, I thought he was so cute. The following year, fourth grade, he was in my class. I was so awkward trying to get him to talk to me. He wasn’t interested.
I don’t like ketchup.
Actually, I don’t like 90% of vegetables either. Eating healthy is hard for me, and our current lifestyle consists of a lot of takeout (no wonder we never have money). I’m too embarrassed to try new things food wise in front of my mother. But I feel I’d make more of an attempt to be healthier if I was on my own. At least if I make faces while eating my food no one can tease me about it. I’d like to get into meal prepping, but it’s also hard when people have an expectation that you make their food, too.
I don’t really know how to cook. I can make small and simple things – follow directions on a box, make stuff like eggs for breakfast. But to make a bigger meal? Never really cooked one by myself. Mostly because my mom will complain I don’t do much in the kitchen, yet the only tasks she lets me do are the ones that involve stirring or watching. I don’t learn unless I do things on my own, and she has no patience to teach. So I don’t cook. Again, if I made a meal, I’d get bitched at if I only made for myself.
I don’t know how to do laundry. I know the concept, I know how to sort, but again, she takes that over because she doesn’t want anyone touching her front loaders. So I know how to run the dryer, but not how to run the washer. I could probably figure it out on my own, but again, not allowed to touch it. But she complains she gets stuck doing laundry all the time.
I’m not happy at home, but I feel stuck.
I’m not happy with my job, but I need the money, and opportunities are very limited until I get my license and a vehicle. The ironic part is I need to find time to get my permit, but work makes it hard to do. If I could take a month off from working I feel I could get so much done. Unlike my mother, I can motivate after a couple days break.
My current relationship is the closest I’ve been to an actual relationship. And we haven’t even declared it official yet. He sort of called me his girlfriend the one day, but that’s the closest we’ve come to it.
I lost my first kiss and virginity on the same night. To a stranger I met online. I’m super embarrassed about it. Especially because I found out a couple months later – through adding contacts on Instagram – that this guy lied about his name, and he’s actually married with kids. Made me feel so much worse. And embarrassed, and sick to my stomach. I feel like I should’ve let the wife know. But I also didn’t want involved in the situation anymore than what happened. I wanted to leave it in the past. I still do, I don’t want to even think about how bad that entire situation was.
Online dating has been my go-to mostly because I’m a homebody, I don’t have a lot of friends, and I don’t get out much. How else am I going to meet people? The funny part is I’ve actually made a really good friend through Tinder, on top of finding the guy I’m currently seeing. There were quite a few not so good encounters through the app, but I did have some luck.
I fell in love with this boy who lived in California. He was friends with my high school best friend, L, and they had once had an online romantic thing, too. But she got together with her current husband, and he started messaging me on Facebook. And then one day he messaged me again and we really started talking. He was the first real guy in my life, I was so high strung up on him for almost 3 years. Until I had to accept reality that it would never happen and even though we had this connection, it just wasn’t going to work out. The funny thing is he’ll randomly message me from time to time, and the one time he said I should come visit him while he’s working in Montana (he’s a firefighter). He messaged me early on in my relationship with Ray, and I told him I was seeing someone. He didn’t care. We have an odd relationship that’s barely there anymore, we don’t talk. And I’ve moved on. It took me so long to get over him. To accept that he just couldn’t be there for me emotionally even. But I think I really fell in love with this boy, and he hurt me. I know we never met, but, you can’t stop those feelings.
There are a lot of nights where I just feel lost or stuck or just unsure of where my life is going. I want to do so much, but I feel money is a huge issue, and I know I need to make some changes soon.
With Winter coming, I’ve decided that I’ll do what I can these next few months, but once Spring hits, I need to have or be working on my license. That is the biggest thing. And then I need to get a vehicle so I can start looking for a job outside of this shitty nowhere town. My job is starting to drain me so much, and there’s nothing there for me.
These are quite a few confessions. Okay, a lot. But I’m not going to keep rambling on, as I know I can easily do. If you read this far, thank you.
November Writing Challenge #9