I spent the day cleaning. I feel behind on my blogging, things have been a tad busy the last few days – I fell behind on all of your blogs once again! I’m working on slowly catching up.

Tuesday night I went out with a couple of my coworkers to celebrate two of my coworker’s birthdays. I confess, I drank too much. I had a bud light at the one bar, then we went to our bar (half off drinks everyday), and I had 3 Southern Tier Coffee Pumpking’s. Let me tell you, 8.6% even in an 11oz glass catches up with you very fast (it is good though!). Yesterday was one of the worst hangover’s I’ve had in quite awhile. Work was awful. Thank God I got to leave early.

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Christmas is around the corner, and while I’m excited to look for gifts for everyone, there’s a part of me that wants to spend all my money on new clothes for myself. And boots. And so much. I want to spoil myself. Is that a crime?

I think about how my life would be so much better if I was on my own a lot. When my mother says it’s her house, her rules, if I don’t want to abide by them I can leave, I want to just leave. So much doesn’t make sense about it. Tell me to leave, yet I can’t leave?

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I had my first crush in the third grade. This guy, let’s call him M, I thought he was so cute. The following year, fourth grade, he was in my class. I was so awkward trying to get him to talk to me. He wasn’t interested.

I don’t like ketchup.

Actually, I don’t like 90% of vegetables either. Eating healthy is hard for me, and our current lifestyle consists of a lot of takeout (no wonder we never have money). I’m too embarrassed to try new things food wise in front of my mother. But I feel I’d make more of an attempt to be healthier if I was on my own. At least if I make faces while eating my food no one can tease me about it. I’d like to get into meal prepping, but it’s also hard when people have an expectation that you make their food, too. 

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I don’t really know how to cook. I can make small and simple things – follow directions on a box, make stuff like eggs for breakfast. But to make a bigger meal? Never really cooked one by myself. Mostly because my mom will complain I don’t do much in the kitchen, yet the only tasks she lets me do are the ones that involve stirring or watching. I don’t learn unless I do things on my own, and she has no patience to teach. So I don’t cook. Again, if I made a meal, I’d get bitched at if I only made for myself. 

I don’t know how to do laundry. I know the concept, I know how to sort, but again, she takes that over because she doesn’t want anyone touching her front loaders. So I know how to run the dryer, but not how to run the washer. I could probably figure it out on my own, but again, not allowed to touch it. But she complains she gets stuck doing laundry all the time.

I’m not happy at home, but I feel stuck. 

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I’m not happy with my job, but I need the money, and opportunities are very limited until I get my license and a vehicle. The ironic part is I need to find time to get my permit, but work makes it hard to do. If I could take a month off from working I feel I could get so much done. Unlike my mother, I can motivate after a couple days break. 

My current relationship is the closest I’ve been to an actual relationship. And we haven’t even declared it official yet. He sort of called me his girlfriend the one day, but that’s the closest we’ve come to it.

I lost my first kiss and virginity on the same night. To a stranger I met online. I’m super embarrassed about it. Especially because I found out a couple months later – through adding contacts on Instagram – that this guy lied about his name, and he’s actually married with kids. Made me feel so much worse. And embarrassed, and sick to my stomach. I feel like I should’ve let the wife know. But I also didn’t want involved in the situation anymore than what happened. I wanted to leave it in the past. I still do, I don’t want to even think about how bad that entire situation was. 

Online dating has been my go-to mostly because I’m a homebody, I don’t have a lot of friends, and I don’t get out much. How else am I going to meet people? The funny part is I’ve actually made a really good friend through Tinder, on top of finding the guy I’m currently seeing. There were quite a few not so good encounters through the app, but I did have some luck.

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I fell in love with this boy who lived in California. He was friends with my high school best friend, L, and they had once had an online romantic thing, too. But she got together with her current husband, and he started messaging me on Facebook. And then one day he messaged me again and we really started talking. He was the first real guy in my life, I was so high strung up on him for almost 3 years. Until I had to accept reality that it would never happen and even though we had this connection, it just wasn’t going to work out. The funny thing is he’ll randomly message me from time to time, and the one time he said I should come visit him while he’s working in Montana (he’s a firefighter). He messaged me early on in my relationship with Ray, and I told him I was seeing someone. He didn’t care. We have an odd relationship that’s barely there anymore, we don’t talk. And I’ve moved on. It took me so long to get over him. To accept that he just couldn’t be there for me emotionally even. But I think I really fell in love with this boy, and he hurt me. I know we never met, but, you can’t stop those feelings.

There are a lot of nights where I just feel lost or stuck or just unsure of where my life is going. I want to do so much, but I feel money is a huge issue, and I know I need to make some changes soon.

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With Winter coming, I’ve decided that I’ll do what I can these next few months, but once Spring hits, I need to have or be working on my license. That is the biggest thing. And then I need to get a vehicle so I can start looking for a job outside of this shitty nowhere town. My job is starting to drain me so much, and there’s nothing there for me. 

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These are quite a few confessions. Okay, a lot. But I’m not going to keep rambling on, as I know I can easily do. If you read this far, thank you.

November Writing Challenge #9

17 thoughts on “Confessions”

    1. Thank you so much 💜 confessions started light and then I let loose on some of the deeper things I don’t really talk about. Those ones were harder. And definitely, it’s almost relieving letting it out in the open, no longer bottled up or buried. Accepted.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. These are really personal and thanks for sharing this with us.

    I used to not know how to cook and do the laundry, etc., but when the time came that I had to go abroad and leave the comforts of my home for work, that’s when I learned. 🙂 Also, what vegetables do you only eat?

    And that guy who you lost your vcard with is disgusting. He’s married with kids, how can he have the conscience to do that?! God!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading!

      I feel that when I finally get on my own I’ll learn how to. I know I’m capable of it, I just struggle with it. And off the top of my head… corn hahah.

      And that’s how I feel. It disgusts me and when I found out I just felt sick. Like I could have never done that if I knew. I’ve learned to look people up before meeting them and not be so forward or dumb with meeting people online. It was an anonymous app, that was awful but it could’ve been even worse.


  2. Lol, for Christmas I was thinking about just buying myself a few of those mystery/subscription boxes to open up, so don’t feel bad about wanting to spoil yourself. I feel the same way. Hehe.

    I hate the man who stole your virginity. Did he know you were a virgin? I mean he’s already scum for not telling you about his wife and kids. :-/ I’m sorry that happened to you… ❤


    1. Ohh I’ve seen a few of those that I’ve wanted to try out 😂 haha glad I’m not alone though!

      And he did know 😔 I let it go and then I found that out and I just felt sick. He like completely lied about his name and everything. And I wish I hadn’t of done it, but I was at a very low point in my life. It’s my technical first but I don’t like to really count it as my real first time. It makes me sick thinking about it

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  3. Spoil yourself! Haha I reckon it’s always good to treat yourself especially seeing as you’re working so hard for that money. Thank you for sharing these confessions though. I don’t get what people get out of lying to someone and just being downright awful. If there is a time that I believe in karma that would be now!
    I hope you do get time to get your license soon and a car so you can check out all the other possibilities and maybe feel a little less stuck 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha I have been here and there but I think it’s sort of retail therapy from being stressed 😂 but yes that’s how I feel! And I don’t understand that either, I just feel bad about the whole thing. I do believe in karma though!

      and thank you so much 💜💜 I’m hoping so, too, so many more opportunities would open up ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know it’s easy said but don’t feel bad cause really he’s the one that chose to hide so many things and should feel really bad.
        And I don’t know what driving is like where you are but I know over here I used to freak out when I first had to start driving and take lessons but now I love it and you really do feel a sense of independence and it is nice to just get away for a bit even if it is to run errands! 🙂 I remember my 20th Birthday dad was just being awful and then I decided that you know what I’m gonna drive to the mall and do at least something enjoyable for myself 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s what I try to tell myself! And ultimately, I blocked his number and everything and even though it was just that, I just pushed it out of my life.

        And it can get crazy sometimes haha. And I’ve driven before, but not for a long time. I’m fine with some parts of driving, but others freaked me out a bit. And yes! That’s another reason to get it haha. I wish I could just drive away sometimes

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