Journal Entry (#1)

November 3rd, 2017
11:10 AM

So I figured with the sort of posts I sometimes write, these journal entries would be a good way to kind of sum up my week. So I hate to disappoint you all, but it’s been a rather mundane week. Last weekend was filled with a lot of fun, that was short lived. Coming back on Sunday was just straight up depression for me lol.

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This week has been a little off for me honestly. I think it’s this weather – the cold and gloomy rain just makes me want to stay inside and sleep all day. Plus, being on the go all last week set me up for being tired up until my day off yesterday. I’m also off today, and I’m dreading going back to work. It’s funny, my job isn’t that awful, I just don’t want to go to work.

There is so much I want to do but I find myself lacking the time to really get anything accomplished. If I had the means to, I’d just quit my job and focus on getting all of this stuff done. But I really can’t afford to lose it, even if it would open up so much opportunity for me to focus on other things.

Really though, if I didn’t have work, this house would be cleaned up already. My mom might struggle with motivation, but after a couple days off, I’m raring to get moving. Hell, I’d probably dedicate all my time to getting my license, and God knows that if I actually did get my license, I’d apply for that loan I talked about once upon a time. My plan is to buy a starter car and pay off my credit cards. My credit score should be decent enough by now that I could qualify for one.

Via Unsplash

If I get a car, and learn how to drive to the city, nothing would hold me back from getting a decent job. I would actually find something along the lines of what I love. Hell, I’d apply to be a school photographer right now if it’d get me in the right direction. It’s just time for change. This is the worst time of year though, the cold and the weather – makes it so hard to get things done. I never wanted to spend more than a year after college in this  town.

It’s extremely frustrating when I told my mother I wouldn’t stay here forever, yet I feel so stuck here. She’s trying to get her life together, but her suggestions, they’re not what I want to do. She wants to downsize so we can save more money, and even talks about kicking her boyfriend out. While it’s a good idea theoretically, realistically it’s a whole other matter.

We have three cats and a big dog for starters – what small place is going to let us keep all the animals? Not to mention, the dog needs an outside area to roam because he’s so big we can’t walk him. Like, no joke. If he sees another dog he goes apeshit, you have to literally use every fiber in your being to hold him back. But we’ve had him for over 5 years now, we can’t just up and get rid of him, we’re his family. It’s just a shitty situation. He needs a home with people who can take care of him. My mom talks about it but won’t do anything about it.

Via Unsplash

She wants to move closer to my grandmother, too, yet somehow our future plans are all stuck in this shitty town. My suggestion? She can stay here and work on getting on her feet, but for the love of God, let me leave and start my life. Doesn’t she understand that I’m not afraid of being on my own to start my life? If I get established in the city, I can help her out when she’s ready to move up there. But right now? She’s not going to find a job right away, and she’s too scared to drive in the city. She needs to be on the outskirts – it’s what she wants. But for me, that’s not what I need. I need to be in the city. How am I ever going to move forward if I keep letting her hold me back? It’s not fair. I feel like I’ve spent the better part of the last five years or so just trying to help her. That’s five years of my life wasted. Because I’ve let her hold me back and talk me out of things.

This summer, when Ray and I went to Foxburg, she tried to stop me. Granted, her reasons weren’t completely out there. The night before I was leaving, we got flooded really bad. So much stuff got ruined. And we had to bring everything upstairs. I did what I could with staying up literally all night to help move things. But, she needed to go through what she wanted to keep. And she had also stayed up all night, so before I even left, she was going to bed. So she probably slept all day, but bitched me out for wanting to still go on my trip. 

Guys, I’m so happy I went. It was one of the best things I ever did. And it made me really realize that I’ve let her hold me back from a lot of good things. And yes, maybe it was bad timing. But I was only gone for a day and a half. That’s it. So I stayed up all that night to help bring boxes up, and then she slept half the day – which means I would’ve done the same (I think I did manage to take a nap that day). That also means, that I highly doubt she would’ve motivated to actually go through any of the shit later that night. So nothing would’ve been done until the next day, and you know what, I got home at 5:00p.m. the next day. But she freaked on me. 

Via Unsplash

It’s a toxic thing that she does. She’s scared. I understand it. but she hinders me from doing what I need to do for me, and I really don’t think she understands that. I don’t want to be stuck here forever, I need to get my own life started. It’s not my fault anymore if she’s struggling to get on her feet – I can only do so much. 

She’s been out of work the last month, and the house still needs organized. She’s starting a new job on Monday, now it’s hyper work to get it done. That’s how she is. All this talk, yet she’s the worst one to get herself together. It just sucks. 

Her boyfriend is probably going to let the bills slack after December 1st, too, because they can’t shut off your important utilities after that date – without heat you could die in the winter, so they cut you slack. Once that period is over, I feel he’s going to be even more so in the dirt. I don’t understand the need to put alcohol and cigarettes above your bills. 

This entry is getting a little long winded, so I’m gonna wind it up. My stomach is growling, I should probably heat some food up and get my day started. Thanks for reading through my personal issues. 

11:30 AM

November Writing Challenge #3

16 thoughts on “Journal Entry (#1)”

  1. Aww I can’t even say I understand, because the situations are so, and the one going through only understand that. But I hope you will find your way and everything will fall in it’s place. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel you! Different circumstances for me, but definitely feel held back but hard to move on because of how much my family has needed help the last couple of years. Easy for someone else to say just leave and take care of yourself, reality can be very different. First step is to know what you want for you, then you can work toward achieving it the way that works for you. I’m cheering for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much 💜 and that’s really it! Everyone says to do what you need to do for yourself, but when it comes to family, it’s hard. You can’t just up and leave even if you want to, because what kind of person abandons someone in need? I’m slowly moving in the right direction, I think my impatience has caught up with me. I’m so ready for a change. Thanks for your comment though, I appreciate the support!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Aww, I understand how hard it is when the toxicity actually comes from someone you get to be with everyday or someone from your family. I’ll be praying for you and I hope you will get to do what you really want to do soon. In time. It will get better. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much 💜 I know it will get better eventually, it already has gotten better than it used to be. It’s just hard when you know there’s so much out there you could be doing and yet your stuck

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  4. It can be really hard when all you want to do is get out and spread your wings but there is something that’s holding you back. And when that something is family it’s even harder because you don’t really always want to turn your back on them and it can be difficult. But I know one day you will move out and live your life whether it’s the city or someplace else that’s beautiful 🙂

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    1. It really is difficult, and some people don’t really understand that. So they tell me I should move out and live my life already. But it’s not always that easy. But thank you 💜 that’s my motivation! Haha I just hope it’s sooner rather than later. When I think about the fact I’ll be 25 next year and have never lived on my own, it feels like I’m so behind in my life.

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      1. I totally get you! And it is tough when other people are doing things that you want to but have other things that you also need to look at. I guess people do have different pathways and journeys in life so even though it may feel like you’re behind in life I’m sure it’ll happen eventually ❤

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      2. That’s what I try to remind myself 💜 thank you. I know we all have our own things in life we have to go through, it’s just hard some days because I feel not even close to where I want to be lol

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Haha I totally get you. I was supervising an exam today at my old school and was like I’d just love to go back to that age where all that mattered was a school exam that didn’t even count for anything

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh wow, sorry to hear about the flooding!! I hope it wasn’t too bad! I’m glad you decided to go w/ Ray despite what your mom thought! And yay! I’m glad your mom is starting her new job on Monday! That’s great news. And hopefully she really does kick the bf out soon—he sounds horrible! But I didn’t know that they weren’t allowed to turn your heat off, that’s kind of awesome but still shouldn’t let your heat bill just pile up. 😛

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    1. We lost some stuff in the flood! The good part is it wasn’t stuff we needed, but a lot of it was like childhood books and stuffed animals and clothes – stuff that shouldn’t have been down there, but that’s my mom’s boyfriend for you. And I’m glad I did, too! And it is great news! She’s not happy about going back to work this soon though lol. Which is frustrating because she’s taken so long to get herself motivated. And he’s not awful – when he’s sober. And yeah it may just be for places that get really cold in the winter, dunno how that works, but in PA that’s a thing haha. And yeah I completely agree!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aw, it still sucks that you lost those items. :-/ Lol hopefully she likes her new job and keeps it for awhile! Well, at least they care if you die in PA! I just remember watching Shameless and they’d always have their heat turned off in the cold. lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It does sucks, but it is what it is. It forced us to finally get rid of stuff though, so some good came out of it. And I hope so! So far so good with her first day. And lmao true! And ohh yeah that was a thing in that show. No idea what the laws are like in other states to know the accuracy of that lol

        Liked by 1 person

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