Breathe

Lately, I’ve been stressed out. I was doing so well, and then my birth certificate was missing. Now, I’m frustrated because I have no idea where it is, and my mother hasn’t done a single thing she’s planned to do. She quit her job almost a month ago now, and she keeps bitching that the house isn’t getting cleaned, but yet, I never see her doing anything about it. Money is an issue, and she keeps hitting me up for more, but I’m starting to feel drained. I can never get ahead, and it’s because of her.

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The moment I start to get myself in gear and motivated, she goes and does something irrational like that, and then she wants more from me. And I’m already working 40-45 hours a week – it’s starting to feel suffocating again. 

My issue is watching her waste time and not doing anything to help herself. I’m starting to build this inner rage towards it, and I feel I need to confront her soon or we’re going to have issues. I understand stress, but she’s not doing anything at all. She waits until I have a day off, and then things still don’t get done. Her sleeping habits are fucked again, and I have no sympathy anymore. She hasn’t applied to any jobs. Her excuse is wanting to get things straightened out before going back to work. Is that why nothing is getting done? Must be nice to have seven days a week to do absolutely nothing. I mean, she’ll pick her boyfriend up from work and make the occasional dinner. That’s it. Nothing she’s doing different now than she did before.

The weight is piling on me once again, and I’m going to reach the point where I’m going to burst if things don’t change. I don’t want to be stuck at my job, and I dunno, getting my license would not only be beneficial to me, it would be to her, too. I don’t want to spend $90 on a damn birth certificate, but she may leave me no choice. First things first: you can only truly rely on yourself to get shit done.

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Here I go, continuing to try to do things that make me a little happier, that make me breathe. But I realize now why I lost my motivation years ago. It was the bullshit that kept piling up and piling up. How is it fair to me to be stuck here? I’m 24, I no longer hold an obligation outside the fact that she’s my mother. I went to college and I can’t do anything much with my degree right now, and she gets mad over it, but I can’t save money around her.  The whole point in living at home isn’t so she can sit on her ass all day. I’m about to give her an ultimatum, and she’s going to bitch me out so hard. I can’t help someone who can’t help themselves. I made excuses when she had a job. She isn’t working right now, there is no excuse. Do something with your day, get the fucking house together

All I hear are excuses, and she says I spout the same things all the time. That I’m a procrastinator. Takes one to know one. She never listens, but I have to try. Because it’s getting tiring, and how can she keep running the show like this? I don’t understand it. Stop getting upset over the petty things in the news, and focus on your own damn life for once. Maybe I would motivate more if I saw her doing stuff. But yet, all I see her doing is sitting on the computer for hours. But yet, she says she doesn’t have the time.

You have the time. We all have the time. It’s just a fucking excuse. 

There are times where I’m so dead at the end of the night from being on my feet for 10 hours in shoes I should’ve thrown out a few months ago. My feet will hurt so bad that I legit feel like an old lady by how I’m walking. And it hits me the moment I sit down to relax. Still, she’ll do laundry at 10pm and want me to help fold or something. Then gets mad when I go to bed before 11pm. Because, oh my God, she has to do it by herself.

Via Unsplash

I didn’t mean for this to turn into such a rant, but I’m getting so tired of it. Stress is adding up, and I want to work on doing things that are going to get me on the right  track, but then I come home to this. It’s hard and it’s frustrating, and I don’t know what to do. I want to confront her, but I feel it’s going to cause another rift and she’ll freak out on me again. I hate conflict, I hate confrontations. She’ll use the excuse of being my mother, as always. It’s not fair. 

I know life’s not fair, but I’m just trying to let it out. I need to breathe. Remember that this is temporary, but I do need to do something about it or I’m going to keep bottling it up until I explode. I wish my mom was more like me – I don’t blow up on people for confronting me. She’s easily set off, and it makes being real with her hard. Who wants to fight? I don’t. But why do we all have to suffer for it?

She says she has goals, she wants to leave this town, too. Then why isn’t she doing anything about it now that she has the time? These are facts, and she needs to see it. I understand she’s 52 years old and it’s harder when you’re older. But it’s not impossible, you just have to fucking motivate. Stop making so many excuses – I’ve stopped. I’ve started trying. She needs to, too. Quit bitching and do something to better yourself. The only person who can change that is you.

Via Unsplash

If you’ve read all this, thank you for bearing with me. If there’s something I’ve learned, it’s that letting things out is good for the soul. Even just by writing a blog post and sharing it, I feel like I’m getting those thoughts out, and it helps clear my head a little. 

For my sake, I hope change comes soon. For her sake, I really hope it does. I’m praying my schedule goes back to normal next week, or slightly normal. I can’t talk to her when I’m working 8-10 hour work days. Work is so tiring. It’s why I want to switch up my job, but there are limited options in my town. The bank never called me back and it’s been two weeks.

So I’m going to take a deep breath, let out the bad vibes, and hope that things start to change soon. It has to.

Also, WordPress, whatever you did to your app just fucked it up because now I can’t upload photos on it… 

8 thoughts on “Breathe”

  1. I lost my birth certificate twice before. You’re lucky if you can just order it online because in MN it costs around $90 and you could only pick it up in one specific office in downtown. I totally think it would be worth it for you to buy the birth certificate if you have looked absolutely everywhere in the house and still haven’t found it! Having your license will help you out with so much! Especially since Pittsburgh is only an hour away from you.

    If I were you, I’d get my license, apply for jobs in Pittburgh, and move out there when ever you can. Give your mom the ultimatum. If she is able to work but isn’t and keeps putting everything on your shoulders, it’s okay for you to explode… I would have a long time ago!

    So sorry that the bank hasn’t called you back, but believe it or not, even though it’s been two weeks–they could still call you! Don’t lose hope on that one yet, either. 😊

    I hope things start shaping up for you soon, dear. 💗And the WordPress update has messed everything up. Every time I write a post and publish it; it like deletes words and adds <<< in random places and ruins my spacing. It’s so annoying.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohh gosh that’s awful!! I’m worried about spending that much on it. And that’s the thing – I think it may be in my mom’s room which means I need to go through her things, and it’d be nice to get her help with that. If we can’t find it, then I’ll accept having to order it online. And it definitely would help so much! I could get a part time gig in the city and spend more time down there with Ray and my friends.

      And that’s the plan! I just need to get myself on some kind of solid ground first. And I may have to. I have friends who have told me they’d of left a long time ago lol.

      I finally heard back from my reference today, she told me she just got an email today saying they got her referral, so there is some hope! I have one job that’s still open, the other two I got emails saying they were filled already.

      And thank you so much 💜 I really hope so. I just had to vent because sometimes it just all gets to me.

      And oh gosh it’s awful! I don’t know what they did with it but I don’t think I’ll be editing posts on here until they fix it 😩

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If you haven’t searched the house I don’t think you should spend that much $ on it yet haha but just pull her room apart if she won’t help. Haha. Yeah I’m sure it’s way easier to get a job in Pittsburgh too and getting an apartment will be a piece of cake for you since it’ll be your first apartment!

        I would have def left a long time ago if I were you but I totally understand how you feel for your mom and want to take care of her…

        And yay!!! See?! Maybe the bank will call you soon.😊

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha yeah that’s my plan! I want to make sure I go through everything before I call it a lost cause. We definitely have them in the house. It’s just finding time to look, I work all weekend and then her boyfriend is sleeping in that room when I come home. So that’s frustrating lol. And ohh it definitely is! I’ve searched jobs here and searched jobs down there and there’s like a 20,000 difference 😂 it’s crazy. But definitely more opportunities, especially for my field. And it definitely would be since I have connections!

        And I wish I had left haha, but she is my mom and I feel obligated. I love her and she is my only real parent. It’s just hard.

        And haha thank you! 💜 fingers crossed$

        Liked by 1 person

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