Something I’m Currently Worrying About…

Money. Basically, my main worry these days, is money. There never seems to be enough of it, and it goes so very fast. I swear, between paying my dues at home and then paying my bills, what’s left after is hardly a treat to myself. And the only time I can really treat myself is if I hold back on how much I spend on food in a given week. Essentially, starve myself so I can get those shoes I want, or buy something that makes me feel like I’m not just working for nothing.

I think what’s worse on my end is the fact that we’re behind on bills at my house. And it’s not my fault, I’ve paid my dues – overpaid them. Yet, somehow the electric and the gas and the water, it’s all past due and we’re getting notices every month. Why? ย Because I live with my mother and her boyfriend who both smoke a ton, and her boyfriend needs a six pack every couple of days. So the added pressure to make sure these bills get paid winds up falling on me. The person who’s been wanting to leave for, I dunno, like the last five years.

People tell me I should just leave, but it’s not that easy. I don’t have enough money saved for starters. And it’s my mother – that’s just not something I can do without a guilty conscience. It’s not her fault entirely, but blame does fall on her for making terrible choices. If she wasn’t with John, she’d cut back on the smoking. She hardly drinks these days (former alcoholic) as well. But the problem is she still needs someone to live with her, at least for awhile, to even get herself out of debt. Somehow, I get stuck with that and it’s stressful to me because I feel like I should be starting my life already. She nags on me for doing nothing with my career, yet I can’t because how am I supposed to save money or get myself to the city if she has to be with me? If I was on my own, I’d have already been established by now. So I get to stick around this shitty town and work a job that has zero relation to my major. But it’s my fault or something like that.

The other main reason I haven’t left yet, either, is the animals. We have three cats and one dog – and he’s a big dog. The animals, honestly, take a lot of money to take care of. They’re all due for their vet shots and we don’t even have the extra money to take them. We adopted three cats almost two years ago, but the only one I wanted to get was the kitten. But I’m responsible for the other two, somehow, as well, because I live here. And the dog – Achilles, he’s an Alaskan Malamute mix – I love him, I really do, but he’s too much for her and I. We adopted him over five years ago though, when our situation was much different and my step dad was in the picture. She’s talked about giving him back for years, but it’s never happened.

Realistically, I have no idea what to do anymore. I’d hate to have to get rid of Achilles, but he needs a better home. It’s just so hard to find a good home for big dogs, and the last place I’d want to send him is back to the shelter. Financially, though, it’s killing us. And we can’t physically walk him – we have a fenced in yard right now where he can roam, but he doesn’t really. The other killer, too, is we had some neighbor file a noise complaint on us a couple weeks ago about his barking. So, if the cops get called again, we’ll get fined. Now every time he starts barking outside my mom starts panicking and has someone bring him in. This also isn’t fair to him. And nothing is more annoying than letting him out, walking upstairs, only to have him start barking 30 seconds later. He barks anytime he sees another dog. And people walk their dogs a lot in this area. Dogs bark.

It’s just a rough situation. It’s like every time I turn around, there’s yet another issue with money. I’m trying so hard to get my credit card debt in check so I can get my credit stable again. I’m actually at a good place in my score right now, but I just want to clear that debt. My plans are still to try to take out a loan soon to pay them all off. Actually, I want to take out enough that I can not only pay them off, but buy a starter car and a good laptop. These are things I need that I just can’t realistically get right now.

But then, I’m also having issues where I have this insurance through the state that I qualify for, and I’ve changed my PCP (primary care physician) quite a few times now because they’re falsely saying they’re accepting new patients online, but actually aren’t. And now I have to renew it and I’m worried I won’t qualify for it now because I’ve had two raises since last year and I’m working more hours. Then there’s that stupid thing where you get fined now on your taxes for not having health insurance. And all I have been trying to do the last couple months is get a damn physical so I can renew my permit and get my license finally. I’m 24 years old without a license. It’s overdue. If I could drive, I wouldn’t feel so stuck here. I could pick up a part time photography gig or something!

Money sucks, I feel like the moment it starts to get better, I wind up digging myself in a hole. And half the time it’s not my fault, it’s someone else’s. I’m honestly worried about the fact that I want to give some money for my friends’ wedding this weekend, and that’s money I could really use towards something else. Which is selfish, because it’s a wedding, and I’m happy for her. But I wish I could get her more and it’s just a terrible time. It’s honestly been that way for quite a few years, and it seems like everyone is getting married and having kids these days. It’s kind of crazy.

If only I could just hit the damn lottery already… I need to get more than $2 back.

11 thoughts on “Something I’m Currently Worrying About…”

  1. How annoying that your neighbors would call and make a complaint about your dog barking! Why aren’t you guys physically able to walk him? Maybe someone you know and trust at work or something wants and is able to care for a dog?

    You have to get a physical to renew your permit? That’s weird! And also annoying!

    I know it seems like we’re getting old because everyone our age is having children and getting married but honestly we’re still pretty young. I really do understand why you don’t want to leave your mom and how it would be hard to. But you have to remember that you are not HER mom…she’s supposed to be your mom, and take care of you…is she doing that for you? …then why are you doing it for her? I know it’s easier said than done but your mom will have to figure life out on her own, just like you need to go out and do, too! ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’— Maybe when you’ve got everything all figured out for YOU and your ma still doesn’t (but I think she can do it!) theeeen you can have her live with you again and take care of her. But, take care of YOU first…you just have to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right? And he’s just so big! He’s bigger than I am, and he’s very hard to control when he gets excited. Which is anytime he sees another dog, and there’s no way I’d be able to hold him back if he wanted to go after another dog. And it doesn’t really seem like it, but I should ask if anyone knows someone.

      And yep! Every three years apparently. My permit had expired and they wouldn’t let me renew it without getting a current physical. It sucks.

      And true! We are. It’s just a very odd age! And you’re right about that. I guess it’s mostly hard because she’s the main person in my life and I don’t want to leave her hanging. Im trying to get myself on my own feet, but it’s like I have to carry her, too, and it’s pulling me down.


      1. Yeah. If you find him a home with people you trust you won’t feel so bad about letting him go and maybe you could even visit him occasionally!

        That’s so super weird that you need to have your physical…that’s quite ridiculous! I’ve lived in 3 states and that has never been the case!! Does your job have a health care plan?

        Yeah mid-twenties…i feel like I’m going through a mid-life crisis already lol. And I know how you feel but I think she will find a way to live without you when she absolutely has to and you can help her still but maybe you could slowly help less and less…and see what she does? Idk im sorry I’m not much help. I wanna tell you to pull a Fiona Gallagher lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s true, I’ve felt that way before about it! It’s just hard finding a place for a big dog like him!

        And really? Pennsylvania must be the odd state then, they require a physical every three years for your permit ๐Ÿ˜ฉ and unfortunately no, I work for a small business.

        And same! Haha. I guess it’s called quarter life crisis ๐Ÿ˜‚ and I think that’s why I relate to Fiona in a way haha. I want to be that bold, but it’s hard because I actually care about my mother and don’t want to leave her alone. She wants to be closer to the city to be closer to family, and that’s my goal is to get us both down there and then kind of stray off to do my own thing.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ah, I really hope you find a home for him soon, maybe a big muscle man that can walk him lol.

        Yeah, Pennsylvania is totally weird?! Lol. But I hope you’re able to renew your state health care so you can get that done!

        I’m definitely going through a quarter life crisis ๐Ÿ˜‚ ha I do see why Fiona does what she does! But I think you’re a better person for caring about your mom still and I think it’s a great goal to help her move closer to the city where her family is. Then she can ask them for help if she needs it and it won’t just be all on you and you’ll have the chance to go out and do you!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Me too! And haha it’s just finding a big guy who wants to handle him ๐Ÿ˜‚

        And thank you!

        And that’s basically my goal! If I at least get her there she won’t be alone (her boyfriend isn’t staying in the picture, it’s just not a good relationship). But that’s what I’m hoping for!

        Liked by 1 person

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