Money. Basically, my main worry these days, is money. There never seems to be enough of it, and it goes so very fast. I swear, between paying my dues at home and then paying my bills, what’s left after is hardly a treat to myself. And the only time I can really treat myself is if I hold back on how much I spend on food in a given week. Essentially, starve myself so I can get those shoes I want, or buy something that makes me feel like I’m not just working for nothing.
I think what’s worse on my end is the fact that we’re behind on bills at my house. And it’s not my fault, I’ve paid my dues – overpaid them. Yet, somehow the electric and the gas and the water, it’s all past due and we’re getting notices every month. Why? Because I live with my mother and her boyfriend who both smoke a ton, and her boyfriend needs a six pack every couple of days. So the added pressure to make sure these bills get paid winds up falling on me. The person who’s been wanting to leave for, I dunno, like the last five years.
People tell me I should just leave, but it’s not that easy. I don’t have enough money saved for starters. And it’s my mother – that’s just not something I can do without a guilty conscience. It’s not her fault entirely, but blame does fall on her for making terrible choices. If she wasn’t with John, she’d cut back on the smoking. She hardly drinks these days (former alcoholic) as well. But the problem is she still needs someone to live with her, at least for awhile, to even get herself out of debt. Somehow, I get stuck with that and it’s stressful to me because I feel like I should be starting my life already. She nags on me for doing nothing with my career, yet I can’t because how am I supposed to save money or get myself to the city if she has to be with me? If I was on my own, I’d have already been established by now. So I get to stick around this shitty town and work a job that has zero relation to my major. But it’s my fault or something like that.
The other main reason I haven’t left yet, either, is the animals. We have three cats and one dog – and he’s a big dog. The animals, honestly, take a lot of money to take care of. They’re all due for their vet shots and we don’t even have the extra money to take them. We adopted three cats almost two years ago, but the only one I wanted to get was the kitten. But I’m responsible for the other two, somehow, as well, because I live here. And the dog – Achilles, he’s an Alaskan Malamute mix – I love him, I really do, but he’s too much for her and I. We adopted him over five years ago though, when our situation was much different and my step dad was in the picture. She’s talked about giving him back for years, but it’s never happened.
Realistically, I have no idea what to do anymore. I’d hate to have to get rid of Achilles, but he needs a better home. It’s just so hard to find a good home for big dogs, and the last place I’d want to send him is back to the shelter. Financially, though, it’s killing us. And we can’t physically walk him – we have a fenced in yard right now where he can roam, but he doesn’t really. The other killer, too, is we had some neighbor file a noise complaint on us a couple weeks ago about his barking. So, if the cops get called again, we’ll get fined. Now every time he starts barking outside my mom starts panicking and has someone bring him in. This also isn’t fair to him. And nothing is more annoying than letting him out, walking upstairs, only to have him start barking 30 seconds later. He barks anytime he sees another dog. And people walk their dogs a lot in this area. Dogs bark.
It’s just a rough situation. It’s like every time I turn around, there’s yet another issue with money. I’m trying so hard to get my credit card debt in check so I can get my credit stable again. I’m actually at a good place in my score right now, but I just want to clear that debt. My plans are still to try to take out a loan soon to pay them all off. Actually, I want to take out enough that I can not only pay them off, but buy a starter car and a good laptop. These are things I need that I just can’t realistically get right now.
But then, I’m also having issues where I have this insurance through the state that I qualify for, and I’ve changed my PCP (primary care physician) quite a few times now because they’re falsely saying they’re accepting new patients online, but actually aren’t. And now I have to renew it and I’m worried I won’t qualify for it now because I’ve had two raises since last year and I’m working more hours. Then there’s that stupid thing where you get fined now on your taxes for not having health insurance. And all I have been trying to do the last couple months is get a damn physical so I can renew my permit and get my license finally. I’m 24 years old without a license. It’s overdue. If I could drive, I wouldn’t feel so stuck here. I could pick up a part time photography gig or something!
Money sucks, I feel like the moment it starts to get better, I wind up digging myself in a hole. And half the time it’s not my fault, it’s someone else’s. I’m honestly worried about the fact that I want to give some money for my friends’ wedding this weekend, and that’s money I could really use towards something else. Which is selfish, because it’s a wedding, and I’m happy for her. But I wish I could get her more and it’s just a terrible time. It’s honestly been that way for quite a few years, and it seems like everyone is getting married and having kids these days. It’s kind of crazy.
If only I could just hit the damn lottery already… I need to get more than $2 back.