There are probably a number of reasons I took up the bad habit of drinking. And no, I’m not an alcoholic, but I do drink more often than I used to. Sometimes it’s just for a night out with friends or to let loose. Others is to unwind after work with a beer. And then those other nights? It’s to help calm me down and take the edge off from things that frustrate me at home.
Living at home is my biggest headache. Dealing with my mother’s expectations and needs drives me crazy. I’m not happy here, yet I feel obligated to help her out. But I know I’d be so much happier if I just up and left and moved to the city. If I did that, I could probably find a better job in less than a week and be making twice as much as I am right now. I have no doubts about that. But right now, all I feel is struggle.
It’s always about what she wants and what she needs. I’ve been doing more for myself lately but that’s seen as wrong because she can’t motivate herself to do stuff on her days off without me. How is that fair? Why must it always fall on me? I seriously do not think she understands the amount of pressure she puts on me. She’ll continuously say “her house, her rules.” But if I defy them, all the repercussions consist of lectures and bitching at me. She won’t throw me out, she needs me too much. I’m just so sick of hearing how she sacrificed for me (and I know she has) but she doesn’t take into account I’m sacrificing for her. I’m not happy at all with my circumstances or living situation.
Drinking helps me take some of that stress off. There are nights, like tonight, where I come home with a 6 pack, just wanting to drink one or two before going to bed (I worked 9.5 hours, I think I’m a little entitled), and then I can’t just relax. No, she decides to do laundry or leave me her dirty dishes (when she cooks dinner and I don’t even benefit from it – but I get stuck with the cleanup). So when laundry is ready to be folded at 10 or 11pm, I’m expected to stop what I’m doing and help fold. Which I wouldn’t care so much if she’d let me know ahead of time, or, I dunno, do laundry at a decent hour. But she thinks, “ohh she’ll be home to help me out.” And fuck my feelings if I’m tired and am on shut down mode.
She expects me to plan things out with people, but expects me to do things on a moments notice. And then gets mad when I have planned something out, and it falls on a bad time (an out of town trip the day our basement gets flooded, for example. And in that case, I did what I could and stayed up all night to help…). It just seems there’s no pleasing her, and it gives me a headache and stresses me out.
One of my best friends is renting an actual home out of state right now – by herself. Like she’s making enough money to support herself and she graduated college with me. I’m so happy for her, but it just makes me feel so behind with my life. Why am I so not in control of what’s going on? It’s not fair, and I know life’s not fair, but this is getting a little ridiculous.
My mother wants to move to the city (the outskirts at least), too, but she has so many stipulations. First, we have 3 cats and a dog (a big dog at that). So we have to find a place pet friendly with a backyard. Then she smokes, so she has to have a place that at least allows outside smoking. And then the price. She can only afford so much (even with me and her boyfriend – and I don’t want to stay with her for much longer..). And then there will be places that fit – but she doesn’t like them. She’s picky. No apartments (wouldn’t work with the dog anyways). And I wish she would just let me move out and at least get myself on track – then I could help her so much better.
My main reason for drinking is her. I wouldn’t feel the need to drink at home as much if it wasn’t for the added pressure. That much I know.