You know, I’m not intending to take almost a year to write a new post. I had serious intents to write more posts the last time I updated this blog. But, life got hectic again, and I lost the will to write. I’m actually updating off of a computer – an old one, not to think I actually could afford a new computer right now. Sadly. But it does the basic job!
It’s funny though, the longer it takes for me to update, the more I realize how much things change in just a few months. I am in such a different place (at least mentally) than where I was when I last updated. Unfortunately, I’m still stuck in this shithole town, but things are slowly looking up.
My debt is slowly clearing up, and my motivation is coming back. I miss doing artsy things, and feeling like I have a purpose. I’ve been so lost for so long. My friends have been out and living there lives, and I’ve been stuck in the same place.
I’m finding myself. Slowly. But I’ve been growing more of a backbone lately. Putting my foot down and letting myself do the things I want to do. Because life is too short to let someone else tell you how to live. And you know what? I’ve finally found myself in a relationship with someone who I truly believe is going to stick around for awhile. And that’s a first for me. I’m taking more chances, more risks. And no, I’m not where I want to be, but I’ll get there. It’s not going to happen overnight, I know this. But where there is a will, there’s a way. And I’m going places.
I want to get myself back into writing and art. I miss it so much. Life has been so bland, I just haven’t been myself. And it’s because of my situation. I’m not happy with where I am, and I’ve been realizing I’m the only one who can do something about my situation. I can’t rely on other people to help me or save me. I have to do it myself. I’m working a job I don’t want to do, but I have goals to fix that. I need to get myself to the city. Everything is leading me there, and for once I need to follow through with my gut instinct and stop letting people overrule my life.
Their problems are not my problems. Family is hard, but if someone is constantly dragging you down, it’s time to reevaluate the situation. Why be someone else’s slave? Family should encourage you to step out and be your own person, not shame you when you do it because it’s inconvenient to them. It’s taken me a long time to realize this. To make my own decisions. I’m getting to old to continue up with that lifestyle. I have to be me.
I drop my life to cater to my mother, and I have for so many years. But the minute I start going out and doing my own thing? I’m never home, I don’t do shit, I don’t care anymore, yada yada. It’s not fair. Why must it always be me to pull my mother out of her rut? Why can’t she do it herself? Or at least try?
Our house got flooded twice in July, and everything we brought up and salvaged from the basement is still sitting in our kitchen and dining room. It’s all her stuff, but it’s my fault for not being around to help? I can’t go through it myself, it’s something she needs to do. And I have volunteered to help – she’s just never motivated. The more she does this, the more I realize that she’s been the problem. Her lack of motivation and paranoia is what’s pushed me back from starting my life. And she’s so paranoid. About every little thing. I’m getting older now, I can’t live like this anymore. I feel caged and suffocated under her rule of thumb, and she can’t even see that.
So yes, I need to get out. I need to do what’s in my best interest, not hers. And she can’t keep trying to hold me back. It’s no longer her decision to make. I have more power than I’ve given myself credit for. Change must come.