Birthdays, Mothers and Alcohol

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Before the end of this month, I’ll finally be turning 21. Which is amazing because it’s one of those moments that used to feel so long ago, and now it’s right around the corner. Time just flies by.

I can’t remember the last time I made a big deal out of a birthday, or when anyone else has for that matter. Might’ve been when I was 9 and all of my family came over for a birthday party. Ever since then, though, birthdays went from being given a couple gifts to simply being an ordinary day. It’s been years since I’ve really celebrated it – and last year I worked it. Worked six hours straight with no break, and my supervisor couldn’t understand why I was getting cranky. Anyways, my point is, birthdays don’t really get celebrated around here.

My twenty-first, however, is supposed to be another case entirely. Everyone wants to make a big deal out of taking me out to drink. Mostly because of the fact that I’ve never really drunk anything, only tasted certain types of alcohol. Although, I will admit to liking champagne. Scenes that involved alcohol normally were never my thing. In fact, they still aren’t, but you only turn 21 once, and I’d like to have a decent and fun birthday for once.

So what’s the problem? My mom wants to take me out; her and her boyfriend. And I don’t know how to tell her that I’m not a fan of this idea. Her scene is not my scene, and with the fact that she’s practically been drinking everyday since she got with her boyfriend doesn’t make me want to go out with her and get drunk. I love my mom, there’s no denying that, but is it so bad to feel weird about celebrating my twenty-first with her instead of my friends? Even if I invite my friends it’ll still be weird. Before my step-dad left (or got kicked out), she used to get on his case about hanging out with younger crowds and trying to not act his age. But now that’s all I’m seeing her doing. I think she’s going through a mid-life crisis, she wants to be young without a care again. And it leaves me feeling like the responsible one. I don’t want that. I just want a break from it all.

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How do you tell your mother that you wanted to hang out with your friends instead of her? Especially when I know she wants to be there, and it leaves me feeling nothing but guilty. All I want these days is to break free from her hold on me and to do new things without her. Yet all that keeps happening is stuff like this. It’s not that I don’t want to do things with her, and it’s not that I don’t want her in my life, but I don’t want to be constantly doing things around her. I want my own experiences.

Going to the bar with my mom and her boyfriend just equals awkward city for me. I need to be around friends who can get me to open up and have fun. I don’t need to make it a big deal, I’m alright with not being the center of attention. Hell, I’d be happy just going over to a friends house and drinking.

I don’t know what to do on a lot of things anymore. It brings me down, and I have no idea what to do about this situation. All I know is, the last place I want to be that night is sitting at home doing nothing. Oh and it’s also the first day of classes, which also means I can’t spend all night out either. Decisions, decisions…

kill me now

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