It honestly feels like summer just started and the semester just ended, but as August is close approaching, I’m reminded that it’s less than a month away before I have to worry about classes again. Lucky my birthday, my twenty-first birthday, falls on the first day of classes. Talk about exciting, right?
Anymore, summer just flies by. Maybe it’s proof that I’m not spending it how I should, and I know I keep wasting most of this precious free time. It’s taking a lot, but the more each day passes by the more I realize that I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep doing what everyone else wants. And I know I’ve said it before, hell, I’ve said it plenty of times. But… I don’t do anything, and it all falls apart. My words are meaningless without action. Fear, really, is the main culprit in holding me back. The sad part is that it’s not even fear of being on my own – it’s fear of my mother’s disappointment.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to please her – to do things right by her. To be the daughter that she needed me to be. However, there comes a time and a place where someone else’s needs aren’t always as important as saving yourself. She doesn’t need me like she did before, and she has someone there to be with her and look out for her. It’s time I find the strength to focus on me.
I don’t like her lifestyle. In fact, all it does is wear me out. It makes me feel like the adult in this household, yet she’s the one barking orders. Something is not right here. I’m the twenty year old who should be out partying or staying out late with friends…. yet she’s the one who likes to party (oh no, she doesn’t go out, she jams out with her online friends to an online radio station… but it does involve her drinking). Or she goes out to bars with her boyfriend. And ever since she got with him it seems like alcohol has become an even bigger factor. And I hate seeing her drink so often – actually just her after she’s had a few drinks. She changes, and I don’t like her “don’t care” attitude.
I don’t feel like the immature one in this case. I used to, and yes, there’s a lot that I have to learn. Yet, I think I’m capable of taking care of myself if the situation were different. As I’ve preached before, change is a must.
Here’s to hoping I figure things out before this summer break ends!