Sleep is obviously overrated. Well, for me, anyways. Actually, it’s the thing I want the most, but unfortunately for me, I live in a household where no one cares if I’m trying to sleep. So for the past couple weeks I’ve been sleeping restlessly and waking up with headaches. Coffee helps in the morning, especially expresso, but I really would just love to wake up feeling refreshed for once.
I live with my mom and her boyfriend, and they not only both work at the same store, but they work night shifts together. So they’re used to staying up all night and sleeping during the day. The problem is, they also both think it’s perfectly okay to talk extremely loud and play music all night. And drink. So when I attempt to go to sleep after midnight, I wind up crawling into bed and, naturally, fall asleep for maybe an hour and then I’m awake until they go to sleep. Except I’m so exhausted, all I want to do is sleep, and getting out of bed is out of the question. My frustration will start building, and… then I start to cry because no matter how hard I try, I just can’t sleep. I have an A/C in my room that helps a little. When it kicks on the sound drowns out most of the noise. Then it kicks off after it gets cold enough.
Trying to sleep in an icebox isn’t exactly working for me. My plan is to buy ear plugs the next time I get to the store, even though I feel that it’s extremely ignorant of them that I’d have to resort to that. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep with them in. Headphones don’t work. Covering my ears with a pillow doesn’t work. If I ask them to keep it down, they won’t. Nothing works. It’s moments like that that cause my mind to over think. Constantly I’m reminding myself that if I had more friends, or if I had friends who actually understood my situation, then maybe they’d understand that what I need more of in my life is to get out more. And if I had more friends, they’d let me sleep over at their house. But when it’s three or four in the morning, I can’t sleep, and I look at my phone – I realize I don’t have a single person I can really talk to. Somehow, that’s the worst of it.
Every night feels like it’s getting worse for me, and my mentality on some of it is starting to strain. I’m depressed a lot, and down. Even when I try to stay positive, it doesn’t always stay. Loneliness is my best friend. As they say, misery loves it’s company. It gets me thinking how I really have made myself my own worst enemy. I’ve pushed people away, as much as the other main fact – everyone is wrapped up in their own lives and their own problems. I said in one of my posts that I’m desperately in need of change, and everyday I’m realizing it more and more.
Being happy is the hardest thing sometimes. No, scratch that – Finding happiness is the hardest thing. Because if you’re not happy with where your life has lead you, then it’s really time to find some courage to change it. No matter how hard it is, no matter who you might be letting down. It’s not about them. People will guilt you into believing that you have to live a certain way, that you owe them. The truth is, you owe yourself the right to being the person you were born to be. To find that person. To discover yourself. Explore the world – taste it, breathe it, live it. Confinement can only bring a person down. And if there’s one thing that I’m learning, it’s that the less you do, the less you try? The more disappointed you are not only in your life, but yourself.
I have made countless excuses to not leave, and I always believed that I needed to stay for my mom. But… I’m not happy, and I haven’t been in a really long time. I don’t know if I’ve ever been truly happy. If I could, I would just up and leave at this moment. Pack my things, jump in the car, and go on a road trip to finding myself and exploring the world. Fear is the main culprit that’s held me back. And I’m tired of living in it. Fear of the unknown – I think this is what’s held me back.
The only thing I think I can do right now about it, is to try, little by little, to change the way things are. Because some change is a step in the right direction. But no change? No change can just lead you to down that spiraling downfall. More than anything, I want to be someone I can be proud of. Change is everything right now.