In Need of Some Change. Badly

It’s been awhile since I’ve made a post on here, but who knows, maybe I’ll actually keep my promise to myself to actually post more often? I created this blog as a way to not only help with my writing, but to get things off of my chest and out in the open. I’ve felt so drained lately between work and family issues, I don’t even know sometimes.

When it comes down to it, at the end of the day, I’ve been wondering a lot lately about the value of friendship. People who say they’re there for you, or people who say they want to hang out, but when you ask them? Busy. Every time. It really makes you start to question yourself. Did you do something wrong? Or do they, underneath it all, just don’t like you and don’t want to be mean about it? This past year I’ve needed friends more than anything. Everything has come crashing down on me, and sometimes, I really do find a great friend to confide in. But what happens when the bad hits you more often than not and when you’ve reached the point of breaking down? Nobody is around.

I’m realizing more and more everyday how hard it is to rely on people. And in reality, it’s not even that I blame them. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives, and in their own problems. Nobody wants to be brought down by someone else’s issues. It’s just the loneliness that’ll start to eat away at you day by day. And then when you reach the point of breaking – you go and do something stupid that goes against everything you ever believed in. Naturally, it winds up causing more problems than what you originally had.

It’s hard, when you spend almost 90% of your free time on your own. The only time I really get to even leave this house is for work – or to go on a walk. I get four days off in a row, and everyone is too busy to even get together for  a couple hours. In the end, I’ve spent so much time on Netflix the past month, I feel I’m going to get fat with all the laziness I’ve been doing. I don’t even have any motivation these days. I just get so tired of being let down that I just do things that kill time and make me think. And that might be my biggest problem.

When you’re constantly on your own, your mind can overwork itself. I over think every little thing until it drives me insane. Actually, I wind up frustrating and upsetting myself more. I even convince myself that I deserve every little bit of loneliness I feel. Get hurt? It’s deserved. But what I’m also starting to realize, is that I’m literally my own worst enemy. I’ve grown to hate my situation, and my dependability on others. So much so that I hate even asking people for favors unless I have no choice. But it’s lead me to be miserable. And depressed. And nights where it all hits me and no one is around? I cry and cry and just hate myself even more for not being strong enough to get out of this crappy situation.

What I need more than anything, is change. And it’s hard to get change when other people are involved. But… in the end even that’s just an excuse. I’m filled with excuses. I can’t move out because my mom needs me. Or the dog needs me. I can’t move out because I don’t have my license or a vehicle. I can’t do this, I can’t do that. I’m so dependent and… If I don’t change this soon I might really lose my sanity.

Here’s to the start of a new blogging experience. Whatever is on my mind these days, my goal is to try to write something everyday. Let’s see how that goes.

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